I need some support coping with my severely depressed husband<object type="cosymantecnisbfw" cotype="cs" id="SILOBFWOBJECTID" style="width: 0px; height: 0px; display: block;"></object>
My husband has suffered depression & anxiety ever since I have known him & comes from a very dysfunctional family where nearly every member has or is being treated for it. He refused to seek help until 13 years ago when we lost our only child. Since then he has been on and off medication. He won't seek help until it is crisis point and our lives are in ruins & then, without fail a couple of years later, he thinks he is 'better', stops taking the meds and everything falls apart again.
He lost his job about 18 months ago, saw it coming and for several months prior was going down hill and refused to seek help. He was on medication at this time. When he lost his job he had something akin to a breakdown and I was able to get him to the doctor and to a counsellor. Shortly after he was given the opportunity to take a job on the other side of the country and had to leave immediately. He went because he wanted the opportunity, and I was left behind to pack up our house and run our lives while he focused on his career. He was away for nearly a year.
During this time he stiopped taking his medication and lied to me about it. I thought for the entire time he was away, that he was coping reasonably well & we were communicating honestly and openly to keep our marriage healthy & him feeling supported. We made plans for me to move with him to the new job, so I said
goodbye to my life and made all the preparations to be ready to leave with him once he returned home. But when he got back, I got a stranger. Cold, distant, angry, arrogant and just generally horrible. He said awful, hurtful, damaging things to me about me and about our 20+ year marriage. We have not being intimate since before he lost his job, nearly two years ago by his choice. He came home blaming all his problems (unresolved grief at our sons death, feelings re losing his job, issues with his family) on our marriage.
He has been diagnosed today (four months later) as severely depressed. Put onto an antidepressant, which he has never taken before as it evidently helps with anxiety and depression. Referred to a pshycologist. I am trying to make sure he eats three good meals and goes to bed at a reasonable time, paying the bills, keeping the house tidy, so he can have as little pressure on him as possible. After a year without his prescribed medication he is in a very, very bad way. But
I am so hurt, angry and resentful at being lied to and blamed for all his problems, I just want to run. Thoughts please.
dear OFW, thanks for posting your comment on BB and welcome on board.
I can truly sympathise with you, because what people can tend to do without any supervision is to take their AD's and when they feel better they decide to stop taking them and then fall back into the black hole.
This medication should never be used on how the patient feels he/she want to, that is stop it or cut the tablet in half because that's what they think would make them feel better, or even increase the dosage without medical advice, but it's a common problem that we have seen on here before.
There seems to have something happen to him while he has been away, but I can't pontificate on any of this but he has lied to you, so you are also unaware as well.
There could be many reasons why he has come home like this, and I'm not too sure he will tell you.
You are a lovely wife trying to make everything possible for him, but I know how sole destroying it is for you, as there never seems to be any answers for this situation.
Can I ask you what he wants for the future, and please take your time if you want to answer this, but we would love to hear back from you. L Geoff. x
You are the only one who can really know what is the best thing to do.
If your husband is being abusive you do not have to accept that. He cannot hold you responsible for everything negative in his life. You have been apart for a year and you both managed alone. Is it possible that he may feel at this point he would be better off on his own but is unable to say he is not happy in the relationship any more?
I know there have been forum posts here where depressed people have said that they were happier when they only had themselves to be concerned for or had left relationships because they were concerned that they were making life too difficult for their partners.
It could be defensive as well he may be feeling blamed for things he basically has not control over. There are at least two people in every relationship.
If he is going back on medication and getting help I would hold my ground and see what happens but in the meantime you need to do what is necessary to take care of yourself. Have some time outs, do some fun things and keep a journal to process your anger.
Hello OFW. I so resonate with your post... And am alas in the throes of turning my life upside down with little reward.
I'm not sure what the answer is, as I, too am either lied to, or totally solvated from any conversations that matter. And that is what hurts most of all...
just wanted to say that you are not alone.. And acknowledge it is hard loving and caring for someone who is depressed and acting like a Pratt!
