Anxiety, Intimacy and Identity

[Grateful2004]

Thank you so much for providing such a warm community here. I would really appreciate some assistance and likewise I really look forward to replying to threads and helping in anyway I can.

My partner has social anxiety, she has not had treatment in years. We have been together for 11 years & have often struggled with intimacy. Until a week ago I would have given my relationship 9/10, I could see my partner struggled however she expressed her love in so many other ways.

Over the last year my partner has been increasingly defensive when speaking to me. I may just ask how her day was & randomly she could respond in a way which is hurtful or mean. I have no idea what caused this but in time it has effected our communication. She is regularly defensive & I often feel hurt & angry. However last week she came to me & said that she is afraid of me. I asked when/where/ why/ what caused this and she could give me no response. She said that all she can remember is the feeling. I asked if there was a time when she could remember not feeling this & she responded that prior I had given her a compliment which felt nice, however she then wondered what I "really meant" when I said it. She stated that over time because she has had to always think about what I really mean, & worry about my reactions to things she has reached a point where she just feels like she can't say anything to me at all & she has no identity. I  asked for examples,but she doesn't know & is just all confused in her head. All she knows is that she is miserable wondering "if" I will get angry. She said she has always been dependant on people & made choices based on what she thinks her partner wants.This has made her miserable her whole life & she has reached a stage where she has realised this & doesn't want a relationship with anyone. Although she still loves me, she's said she had this feeling for months & it hasn't gone away. The issue I have is that she still acts the same towards me. Our relationship has not changed any, she just no longer accepts my affection & sleeps in another room. I have no idea whether I'm in a relationship or not & I understand all the reasons she has given me to be signs of anxiety. I have asked her if she would like to see a therapist with me & she responded quite badly. I am very devastated about this & I don't know how to behave around her or what to do. I am so worried that although it seems logical to her, it makes no sense to me & she is just pushing me away....

[Doolhof]

Hi Grateful 2004,

I am wondering if you are my husband in disguise sharing your story? About the only thing different is that my husband is the one in our relationship who is unable to show or give affection.

Anyway, I have managed to drag my husband along to see a counsellor with me and it is the best thing we have done for each other for decades! Even if my husband does not like the idea of us needing help, I do. I know I need the help and now!

The Mental Health Nurse who I will call Jo has already helped me to understand that I feel like my Husband is communicating to me in an aggressive way, so then I become defensive and snap back and have all kinds of thoughts about our relationship, who I am and who he is!

It has been suggested we read and do on line work relating to a book called "the Five Love Languages" Due to other health issues I have not been able to get stuck into this yet.

My suggestion to you, as your partner again if she would like to join you for counselling, ask her if she would like to see someone herself, suggest she see a Dr if she feels like she needs some help right now. Please don't tell her it is all her fault, to just go and take some pills and she will be okay.

Do some research yourself on the internet about behaviours, depression how we relate to each other. Try to get the help you need for yourself fist and hopefully your partner will decide she needs the help as well.

Take slow and gentle steps. Pushing her right now may well cause an explosion as my husband found out! Ha. Ha.

Hope you can work things out together. Let us know how you get on.

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools.

Oh yer, there are some great sites out there on the internet with suggestions like "50 things to do to make my partner feel good about themselves" I suggest you check some of those out. Look at ways you can make your partners life better and also circle ideas that would work well for you to feel better also.

[Beltane]

Hiya, welcome! Firstly congrats on coming here to seek help for your relationship- how wonderful that you are giving it your best shot!

theres a few things that could be going on, and unfortunately only your partner can really tell you.

worst case scenario, she is struggling with the relationship and may be wanting a break..

but that's not the only possibilty. Social anxiety can come alone, but more often than not if you have one mental illness you are very susceptible to developing another. She could be suffering deoression, or generalised anxiety. This can cause immense emotions including hostility, paranoia, fear, anger, sadness... Other times the person is perfectly normal, and some times the person flips back and forth between emotions. This is usually a severe anxiety or deoression. 

These illnesses can cause all sorts of negative thinking- causing low self esteem, feelings of fear and being unable to trust, feeling a need to be in control and being unable to give up that control (which Is a problem in a relationship), and can absolutely kill sex drive. The low self esteem/ loss of trust/ fear/ low sex drive could absolutely lead to the intimacy issues. And the general issues in the relationship.

the worst part is that often, the person suffering mental illness cannot see the issues- she may have moments where she understands that her behaviour is not making you feel good, she might even have moments where she admits she needs help- and then a day later denies these things. That's the nasty part- I in the past (before I accepted my illness) have become extremely defensive when others tried to get me help, as I felt attacked and blamed. I felt like people were saying I was broken and needed to be fixed- I resented that.

She absolutely needs to see a doctor. If she has an additional deoression/ anxiety disorder she may need  medication and will certainly need therapy. Yes many people are really resistive to theraoy- again it's because they feel attacked, like you're saying something is wrong with them.

perhaps a different tactic is to ask her for couples counselling, maybe plan out what you'll see so it's the most positive, supportive, loving language so she doesn't feel attacked. If it's couples therapy she might not feel it's all her "fault".

hopegullly then she'll become more positive about therapy, and then can seek private counselling to overcome her trust/ fear/ intimacy/ low self esteem issues as well as the illness

[Beltane]

Also, it's not uncommon for people siffering a depressive or anxious episode to struggle with relationships. It's really hard as they're suffering very negative feelings and thoughts, they can feel a lot of misery and it can come out in anger, irritability, fear.. It can almost "change" a person. Other people often describe the person suffering as acting completeky different. Like same person, just more angry/ sad/ fearful etc.

tgere is treatment, in medication and theraoy. And most people make a full recovery. 

I hope hope hope she listens and seeks help- even of it's "softly softly" as Mrs Dools suggested. She had some very good suggestions regarding how to approach your girlfriend so she doesn't feel attacked.

unfortunately I have been your girlfriend in the past- I actually lost the relationship. For almost a year the man I was with begged me, pleaded with me, and went so far as to organise a counselling appointment for me and coming with me. But I just wouldn't see. It makes no sense to rational people, I can't even explain it. It's just that a mental illness really is a mental illness in every sense of the phrase- the person is NOT thinking normally. They're not insane! They're sane. They're just not necessarily always rational or sensible or "normal" thinking, they're mind is twisted and warped by the illness.

for me it took losing the relationship for me to finally admit that 1. I had a  deoression and anxiety illness and 2. It wasn't going to get better all by itself, I needed professional help. 

Within weeks of getting help (medication/ therapy) I was feeling better and within 12 months I was "in remission" (meaning my symptoms were gone and I was thinking "normally" again and not feeling miserable etc.

now Im in a very healthy, happy long term relationship (with someone eise). 

So yes there is a lot of hope. But the journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step and it's getting your girlfriend to take that step that's the hardest part.