Im not sure which way to turn

[DaisyRose]

I have been married to my second husband for 8 years for the first 2 1/2 years our marriage was fantastic but after a change of jobs my husband became aweful.  Really nasty not in a physical way but he has a really nasty tongue.  He has had bouts of drinking and bouts of just being so nasty he has deflated my confidence and my love for him.  I have spoken to him many many times and written to him and he has spoken to a minister but each time he improves for a short time which used to be weeks and now it is a matter of days until he turns on me again.  He left on the weekend and didn't take anything with him left everything including his phone and keys and told me we were over.  We have business and he left me to take care of everything.  After a couple of days he returned large as life and expected to recommence his life with me.  I sent him to his mums as I couldn't cope.  While he was away I found he was taking anti-depressants.  I have let him back into the house but I am feeling quite uncomfortable as whilst he says he loves me he is also extremely loud and aggressive (not physically).

I am not sure what to do he has taken my advice and had a blood test done for his testosterone as I saw on the internet that this can cause this behaviour.  I am very nervous that he will turn on me again.  I am trying but the strain of his behaviour for the last 5 1/2 years has made me rethink whether I want to be with him anymore however I feel an obligation to keep going in the hope that the man I married may return.

I really need to talk to someone as I am struggling so badly with the strain.  Any advice would be appreciated

[white knight]

Hi Daisyrose, welcome to Beyond Blue forums

Just because your husband has a mental illness of which you arent specific about, doesnt mean he hasnt got responsibilities.

In every relationship individuals must have boundaries from the other person. Some know these boundaries automatically and instinctively. Other do not. As mental illness is  a state of extreme behaviour, we must make these boundaries clear, concise and be firm about it. There should be no excuses in the end for over stepping them

Having said that, you must sit him down and ask him not to interupt you until you have finished talking. Have written out a copy of the boundaries. The boundaries are for you to draw up but could include-

-any behaviour he has that is unacceptable in your eye eg loud voices that make you feel threatened or insecure

-limits on quantity of alcohol (be careful here, he will want to slip in an extra drink , be firm

- Nastiness

-work requirements

-action for both of you when you have an arguement.

The last one is a good one to have. When one storms off usually 2 things happen. 1/they drive off which is dangerous being on the road in a state of distress 2/ The arguement goes on for a long time without resolve.

You should have an agreement that no one leave the property. If one storms off and goes to the garage or entertainment area them leave him alone. Wait 30 minutes. Then approach him and ask him if he'd like a coffee. He should, with this agreement, return the respect and answer in a nice manner yes or no.  If he says yes then you can both have a drink and quiet chat.  If he says he wants more time then leave him but then the onus is on him later on to ask the same question- do you want a coffee?

You'll find this works well. And it nip it in the bud quickly just when you both have calmed down - 30 mins.

If you stick to these boundaries he will be told directly of how much you can cope with and that if he isnt willing to abide by them then you will take measures to get a new life.- end of story.

He will want to argue, be nasty etc when confronted with these boundaries. You dont have to reply, the boundaries are set, he has a copy, he knows your limits and he has choices. Just as you do!!

[DaisyRose]

Thank you for your reply I haven't argued with him for a while he just left he is on antidepressants but has been aweful for a number of years I have told him no more this time I have reached the end of tolerating his bad nasty behavior

I just feel sick all the time I feel like I need to end this marriage but I am very nervous about it

I keep hoping he will come around and be the loving husband but I don't think that's going to happen

i feel so lost 

[white knight]

Hi DR,

Can you attend with him to his doctor?  Can you speak to his doctor/psych?  You are at the end - it shows. If at the very end then you might need to bite the bullet and start fresh. When at this point, being alone and starting again is hurtful and traumatic but as we have mentioned here many times- you have to look after yourself.

He isnt looking after you.

We are here to support and listen if you have any need to talk.

Tony WK

[DaisyRose]

Thank you WK he's left again this afternoon gone to his mums again at 56 yo

He said he doesn't want to be with me at the moment and tried to turn it around as he usually does on me

this time I said ok if that's what you want to do 

I feel empty but at least I don't have to deal with his roller coaster he is very cruel and I really hope he finds his way

i won't be allowing him to return this time I will stay strong I gave adult children who will support me I will be ok 

i don't know what will happen but I will take one day at a time 

I am very grateful for this forum 

I will keep posting as I think the road will be a difficult one I am scared he will get more nasty 

[white knight]

Hi DR,

Glad you'll stay in touch especially with the road ahead being somewhat unpredictable.  That roller coaster is present with most mental illness sufferers. It is tough to take. But if other characteristics are present like nastiness, cruelty, whatever we call it, then you must move on because the leopard wont change his spots.

A lot of things will be going around in your mind at this time. Second marriage gone (there must be something wrong with me syndrome) etc. My first marriage lasted 11 years and she abused me with her silence. Then 10 years defacto relationship whereby she mistreated my two daughters. It took a lot to drag my confidence back but I did it. A wise old man in a caravan park told me "never go backwards" in reference to my feelings of wanting to go back to my first wife due to the grief of being without my kids full time.

take care and will hear from you.

Tony WK

[DaisyRose]

Thank you Tony

I have been doing ok but last night he asked me to go out with him and I was very surprised as he wants his space I thanked him but didn't go.

You have had two marriages as well its very difficult. When my first husband left after 25 years and 4 children and a whole life I was in disbelief as he had been having an affair with someone "more attractive"  I worked my way through this and came out the other side. My children are all now adults with their own children and I'm 55 with 6 grandchildren.

When I decided to remarry my second husband who has just left as you know he had lost his first wife through illness and was very strong in his commitment to me and promised that he would never do to me what my first husband did.

I feel very let down by what he is doing now.

I have been going ok but this morning I am working at home as we have a business and I do the bookwork and am feeling very low. 

I will be ok but its very hard as you know, as him asking me to go out just makes this so confusing.

You have done well to get on with your life after your two relationships

thank you for listening

Sue

[DaisyRose]

Here I am again.

I let him come home under conditions and he has just broken those conditions.

After getting tested for testosterone levels which were all normal he is still no closer to me.

He told me last night after I talked to him about his coldness towards me that he doesn't have any feelings about anything.  he is not interested in an relationship physical or emotional.

I am very distressed after trusting him and letting him home.

I went to see his doctor who didn't really help with anything.

He is going to bed a 7.30 at night and not spending any time with me and has expressed that he isn't interested in doing so.

What am I doing with him?????  I dont know I keep trying to love him as a wife should but I can't keep doing it without any reciprocation.

I feel like running but I am trying to stay strong.

[white knight]

Hi DR,

You are trying and excelling in being a good wife....but you can be the best wife on the planet, if he doesnt want one now then he wont want you.

It isnt your fault so please- stop blaming yourself. It is 100% emotional and zero logic (you might want to read my thread 'When emotion takes over logic' -use search). This high emotional level will drain away as time goes by....if you break away.

It is your decision to make the break of course. But each time you allow him back into your daily life will erode your confidence in the relationship. People could marry/have defacto 5 or 7 times and always meet the wrong person, live with them then it fails. My brother in law is a classic example.

Rest assured you have done everything you could do. Go through the grief process of this failed relationship, then you'll feel much better and your new found freedom will be a new life.

Tony  WK