Supporting husband and yet he does not communicate with me

[Littlelegs]

Hi

i am new to this as my husband announced out of the blue that he was depressed around 6 weeks ago. Thankfully he recognised this and had already been to the Dr and obtained medication.

the first couple of weeks of the meds he has been like a Zombie totally emotionless

he has better days than others when he is obviously a little happier

living with him has become increasingly difficult;

no communication he won’t talk to me about how he is feeling, how the drugs make him feel, how he went at the physiologist etc. if I ask him he will answer reluctantly and as vague as possible and then leave the room

I feel like he is not even trying he doesn’t ask me how my day was. I have just come home from being out to dinner and he hardly even looked at me or asked me how dinner was or anything. I ask him how did day was “alright” is all I get and nothing in return

i wanted to see if this is normal??? Do other carers find the communication just stops. I feel like I am being cut out of everything that is going on. It is hard to not take it personally. I can’t help but feel that he is blaming me for how he feels.

Becayse of this I just don’t know what to do!

we have been married 23 years. He is ok when around others or if the kids are in the room.

I feel like he is not even trying with me, and just because he is on meds and unwell gives him reason to not even be nice to me anymore.

Due to this I feel so alone and sad as I am not included in what is going on, and he rejects me when I try to help

he is also still drinking alcohol on the meds which really scares me and frustrates me, as I believe if u want to be on meds to help then you have to do everything possible to let them work.

thanjs for reading and appreciate any help or ideas

[geoff]

Hello Littlelegs, a warm welcome to you and I'm just so sorry that your husband is feeling this way, unfortunately, depression can do this.

I also want to apologise for your comment not being answered, that can happen if the site is busy, I'm sorry.

Lack of communication can happen in a marriage/relationship, only because this illness wraps you up so he can not really hear what's going on, but he can change when the kids or other people are around, he pretends to be OK, but as soon as they go, back into his wall of silence, or back into the black hole he goes.

It's good that he has seen his doctor and been prescribed medication, this may take up to 6 weeks to take effect, and if he gets no benefit from it his doctor may have to change his antidepressants (AD).

Some men like myself, self medicate with alcohol, just as your husband is doing, and even though it numbs his depression, it will still be there tomorrow, so long term it's not going to help him, so it's a problem and we can discuss this when you reply.

I hope his doctor has referred him onto a psychologist, under the mental health plan, he is entitled to 10 free sessions per year.

I am sorry for you but hope to hear back from you, and again I apologise for being late.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

[Puppies]

Hi Littlelegs,

I agree with Geoff. My partner also self medicates with alcohol etc, while on medication and I get frustrated too because I know it will affect how the medication works for him.

I’m my partner also seems to shut me out, but may seem ok around others. This upsets me too because I want to help, but if im being shut out I cannot do that.

You’ve done the right thing by coming to the forums and posting about your current situation. I’ve found over the years that it has helped me both understand my partners depression and anxiety but also understand how I can help him cope too. There are lots of resources out there for those who are partners/family members of those with mental health conditions. If you haven’t already done so, it may be beneficial for you to go to the section for supporting those with mental health conditions and read the two pinned posts about tips for carers.

I hope things turn out better for you soon, I know it can be very difficult.

puppies

[Littlelegs]

Thanks Geoff for your response. I had given up even looking to see if I got a response, so really appreciate it.

he has now been to phyachologist an additional two times, I only know as can see on bank account. He doesn’t even mention it to me or discuss it at all with me.

he initially told me he had filled In paperwork so assumed he was on a health care plan, however we are paying still an amount for each visit. Is that correct depending on what the dr charges?

he spoke with our kids on Monday night and told them all about it. He had no prior discussion with me about it.,,,it is like I am just a bystander. He spoke well with the kids and explained it well, but I was saddened that I was merely just there and not part of it what so ever.

i feel like I am second rate citizen in my very own home!! With no worth to him and just happen to be here

he fights with me about little absurd things and geta really grumpy, non communicative and emotion less. I worry I am starting to do the same as I am just trying to do what I can to get by and keep my happiness level OK.

[geoff]

Hello Littlelegs, I'm pleased you did check and again I'm very sorry.

If the psychologist charges more than the Medicare rebate, then the extra will have to be paid by the client.

It's terrible how lonely you are feeling, unfortunately, being blocked by your husband has gradually increased although he has spoken to the kids but not to you, and this is going to increase how sad you are, with the chance it's going to develop depression, if it hasn't already.

This is when you have to take a step backwards and realise that you are now the one who needs some counselling, to look after yourself.

When I was like your husband my wife continued on working, taking our sons out to where they had to be, because I was happy to be on my own.

Please take care and hope to hear back from you.

Geoff.

[Littlelegs]

Thanks Puppies for your response. It is good to understand that other people feel the same and also get shut out like I am. It can become so very difficult to try to help when you are constantly blocked out. As it is all new to me, so I find that the most difficult to accept. That I no longer am included and feel so lonely,

thank you for your tip te resources, I have spent some time reading and trying to learn as much as I can about the illness. I have even been to my gp to find out about the drugs he is on, I have been to physiologist to find out about how I should be acting and what to do

unfortunately even with all this information it still hurts and I don’t understand why he treats me the way he does

thank you for your support and response

[Littlelegs]

Thanks Geoff

i have been to see the physiologist for me and also to find out the best way to help and support my husband. My husband knew I was going and was confused as to why I was. I explained so that I could try to help him more and that my life had been turned upside down and I want to be the best I can. To this date he has never even asked me how I went etc.

when you suffer depression di you have any comprehension as to how it affects others? Or do you simply not care? For this reason I find the condition is a selfish one?

I am finding that the hardest.....just no interest in me etc. he doesn’t even ask me how my day was, or try to pretend he cares?

he is still managing to go to work and is happy to go to social situations, so in difference to what you experienced when you wanted to stay home on your own

littlelegs

[Puppies]

Hi little legs,

I’m glad you used the resources I mentioned and that they gave you some more information. However, I also agree that it does still hurt no matter how much information you have or how much you think you’re better understanding it from the other viewpoint.

You also asked, in response to Geoff, about whether people with depression/anxiety know how their actions can affect others. Based on my experience I believe that it may sometimes be the case that they do not understand/accept that/how their behaviour affects others. My partner can sometimes seem selfish in regards to how we discuss things when he’s in a bad way.

I think at the end you also mentioned that your husband seems to want to do normal things/go to work/see friends, but seems to behave differently toward you. I also feel this way sometimes, and unfortunately I still don’t have an answer as to why he seems ok to do other things but may act differently around me

I hope you’re getting on a bit better

- puppies

[geoff]

Hello Littlelegs, no I didn' have any knowledge of how it affected other people because depression can actually change your ability to think, sometimes your mind is blank but this doesn't stop the heavy pounding feeling you have with depression and I'm sorry to say but didn't care.

I understand how you are feeling and I'm sure that's how my wife felt, so I can't blame either of you and maybe the reason he goes to social occasions is because of the alcohol.

Please stay with us, we both hope to be able to help you and I know how all of this affects you because I've been on both sides.

Take care.

Geoff.