Caring for someone I never thought I would care for

[Haveachat2u]

I’m aspie and my partner is autistic. Our relationship is not the usual kind of relationship I guess. I feel like his career to be honest and it drives me insane. He won’t get a job, it’s a battle to get him to do chores I get that he has depression and anxiety but so do I! He said he quit smoking but I find his cigarette butts around and empty packets. He’s just like well I can’t work because of my injuries. He goes to university and tafe he struggles with exams works himself up then his mind goes blank and he fails another semester! It has taken him like 8 years to complete less then 3 years of university! I have my first degree, Im currently on my second bachelors degree i put university on hold for the semester because he could not or would not get a job and we were headed for homelessness. I’m going back to university next year even if I have to leave him and get my own place and just support me because I’m sick of it. He melted down today because I got a job interview at a place he would love to work but he needs to get work experience to get an interview. I had a phone interview and he actually butted in to the conversation because I had the interviewer on the loudspeaker he actually criticised my answers, called out and wanted to ask questions! I walked out of the house had time out I came back and he appoligised. He acts like a big child! I guess I’m just looking for support because I care for him but I don’t know how much more of this I can take. If I walk out of this he will be homeless Or live in isolation.

[Croix]

Dear Haveachat2u~

The first thing to say is welcome back, and the second congratulation on your studies. When you were here before you had just finished your first degree and you are doing fine wiht the second, it is a pity it is on hold.

That success shows a great deal of determination and ability, things to remember when you look at yourself.

One thing nobody has is infinite strength to draw on when looking after someone else. Everyone has limits and by the sound of it you have already passed yours.

You said you feel like you are your partner's carer, well that is not surprising because that's what's happened, you don't have a partner, not really, you have someone you look after as a parent.

That gets beyond frustrating, if the person does not try, and does not show care back then you are in a one-sided relationship. For you own sake you have to set limits.

That speakerphone incident is not good, shows he is thinking about what will happen to him, not you. While that may be caused by anxiety it still needs not to happen.

You used to sufferer pretty bad anxiety yourself. May I ask if you are under treatment? -it's part of looking after yourself.

Do you have friends or family to support you? Battling on alone is hard.

With your partner he obviously does need medical support to try to get his anxiety down. He also needs motivation, maybe medical support might help there. Maybe it is a case that the relationship has to change to get him to change his ways - what do you think?

Obviously just talking and explaining has not worked.

While you do care for him you cannot do everything long-term. Maybe going on your own might change things, don't know.

Please feel you can talk things over here, we want the best for you - and your partner too

Croix

[smallwolf]

Haveachat2u,

Hi and welcome to beyond blue.

Sorry about the late reply. Sometimes posts will get lost in the system. But I am here now and listening to your story.

Things definitely seem hard for you at the moment with having to look after your partner, and the side-effects such as you mentioned with phone interview.

But it is also important that you look after yourself. I guess the main question is what you do want see happen? Putting aside the way your partner acts, is he aware of the way his actions are affecting you? Such conversations are difficult, but you might feel a sense of relief rather than holding it all in?

And if you work out what you really want, perhaps it is possible work out how to get from this point to that goal? Do you have anyone that you can talk to about this also?

Tim

[Haveachat2u]

Hi

I didn’t have a lot of help, but I found someone I can talk to about it on Wednesday, I have an appointment with a free councillor at a women’s clinic, she says her son has Aspergers so she will not get offended when I speak, because a lot of them don’t understand me or they get offended easily. I now have a second job, half the money from the second job I will be saving, I made a decision, I opened a second bank account and if he expects me to give up university next year so that I can support him it won’t happen I will leave him. I’m not going to put my entire life on hold and sacrifice everything for him. I will be saving money in a second bank account for a deposit for a small unit to rent. Basically even if I wanted to leave him at the moment I could not because I don’t have the funds yet. He does a lot of good things for me because I struggle with socialising and I need to be social to work. I want to give him the next few months to see if he changes because I refused to work a few years ago, stopped looking because I pretty much gave up. I wanted to follow my attachment of university and nothing else, this was after I was refused my dream job because of my medical history, I was forced to change so I did. This is his last chance, I will leave him in the new year if he forces me to work while he continues to study and play computer games. He has a psychologist, councillor and other support at university, tafe and privately. I had pretty much no one until I found this councillor. I need someone to help me understand this situation because I’m confused about how to interpret his motives because as I said he does a lot of good things for me but it’s not fair if he expects me to put my life on hold and give up everything for him.

[Croix]

Dear Haveachat2u~

Having a plan and an aim has already changed things a lot. While it is true he may have dome things for you in the past you are right, you have to be able to do the things you need.

If you care for a partner you try to make their dreams and plans come true, it is an expression of love. You need that support, if for no other reason than to see if your partner really does care

That councilor sounds sensible, and having her own problems in life can only make her more understanding and realistic.

I'm glad you decided to take action

Croix