Supporting Depressed, Anxious and Angry Wife

[Feelinglowlow]

HI All

I started my journey trying to support my depressed wife 6 years ago. She was my fiance back then. I have never resorted to writing and sharing online but my level of frustration is at a point where I see no hope and hence wanted some advice and let me heart out at the same time.

I am broken to to her verbal abuse, hearing her blame me for everything since the last 6 years. She would often loose control over herself and crack it at me for no reason at all and then blame me for all of it if i dare to get upset about it. I have never heard so much abuse cummulatively in my whole life than i have in these last few years. Hats off to everyone who has been doing this for years, it is a mighty task.

I have tried settling boundries but without any success. If i try to explain that shes being unfair she will argue and argue for hours till im tired and wish to give in. If i do agree to her threats of divorce she would blame me again for never loving her and being so selfish. I feel like every door i walk towards is locked. She would generally blame me for not loving her, making her feel unloved, unheard, controlling her, making her feel unwrothy of anything. This normally comes out all togather with a whole load of abuse. If i try and say a word i get labelled as defensive. I understand I have to validate her but she makes it an impossible task for me to do so. Even if i am apoligizing she will continue to critisize me and in different forms till i get frustrated and respond back. She would even catastrophize small situations and start yelling. Im tired, so tired 🙂

[815]

Hi therising,

Thank you again for your post. It has been very insightful once again.

I am not sure right now whether my husband is lucky to have me. I do hope though that, as he works through things, as we work through things, that he will come to realise that I have been here with him all along. Maybe my actions/words haven't always been right, but they have always come from a place of genuine love and care for him, and that he actually deserves that.

I am a Melbourne girl too, and although I generally am very positive, this latest lockdown has really taken its toll and I am not feeling great about things right now. But I do have to hold onto hope that things will get better. I hope you're coping OK through all of this.

Take care.

[815]

Hi feelinglowlow,

Just the other day, I was told that I was pathetic, dumb and stupid. Which leads my husband to believe that I don't care about him because I sometimes don't know what to say or do. Maybe I'm wrong, but I think that not necessarily knowing what to do for someone, especially when you feel pressure to 'fix' things, doesn't mean that you don't care about someone. I think you can make mistakes, unintentionally, and still genuinely care about someone...

But a friend of mine reminded me that, none of this is my fault. I haven't done anything wrong. Nor has my husband, of course. But the way he perceives my actions through the filter of depression is so negative, that no matter what it is, when in this state, it will just be wrong. So I just want to remind you that, this is not your fault, and that you are not pathetic even if that is what your wife wants you to believe. You are doing the best you can and I think that's amazing.

It makes me really sad to see my husband this way, to hear him say these terrible things. But imagine what it must be like for them, to feel so bad that this is what they actually think and believe. So I think we just have to be patient and understanding and support them in whatever way they will let us.

My friend told me that it was important that, when the depression lifts, that I was still here.

I know it's been some time since you posted so I do hope that you and your wife are doing OK.

[quirkywords]

Feelinglolow

You have many insightful comments from experienced posters with a variety of lived experiences.
I have been on both sides, someone with depression who is critical and annoyed and someone who was criticised for not being helpful when supporting a loved one.

I know I said terrible things to my partner because I was self loathing andthought if someone wanted to be with me they must be insincere or why would they bother.

Talk vent be kind to yourself you are not alone and we are listening.