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Supporting family and friends

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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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Em_Louise Helping friend/ partner
  • replies: 4

Hello! I became super close friends with someone last year over and recently we started dating and it’s going great, the only thing is they’re struggling a lot with depression, anxiety and I believe ADHD too. It’s so hard to see them at a low and I h... View more

Hello! I became super close friends with someone last year over and recently we started dating and it’s going great, the only thing is they’re struggling a lot with depression, anxiety and I believe ADHD too. It’s so hard to see them at a low and I have no idea how to help them, any advice would be great I so scared that I’ll lose them. Also they briefly have mentioned that high school was really hard but never went into specifics I do know that they struggle with body image a lot and just generally traumatic sort of high school time, and while I know they’re making progress and are talking to me, and getting help it’s still so scary when they stuff about how hard it is or how tired they are, I’m just really afraid basically and it’s out of my control. I should also mention that I am also trying to seek help for some of my own mental health issues but they aren’t quite so severe, and in some messed up way I almost use my partners experience as a way to invalidate my own problems, which I know is bad but I can’t help thinking how much worse it is for the, and other people I know. any replies would be amazing, thank you in advance xx Em.

LunaLily1 Supporting partner with paranoia, anxiety, and depression
  • replies: 2

Hello, I am needing some advice on supporting my partner of 2 years with depression, anxiety and paranoia. We have been together for 2 years and even in the beginning of our relationship he stated that he suffered from paranoia and at times felt it w... View more

Hello, I am needing some advice on supporting my partner of 2 years with depression, anxiety and paranoia. We have been together for 2 years and even in the beginning of our relationship he stated that he suffered from paranoia and at times felt it would be easier if he was not alive. However, he has said he would not act on this as he would never want to put his family through a situation like that as it is something they have had to deal with in the past. The paranoia takes a huge toll on our relationship as a lot of the thoughts he has are directly related to me. As an example, he thinks that I do certain things around the house to send messages to him. Another is that he believes that I am cheating on him with people from my workplace. This makes me very frustrated and uncomfortable because the act of going to work to pay for us to live together means he is thinking these thoughts about me. Or me sitting on my phone for a vrief moment gives him the thought that I am texting with someone. Covid lockdown was very tough for us but I thought that we did a pretty good job of getting through it, however, recently he has gone into a depressive sort of state and only wants to play video games all day and night. Sometimes he does not even go to sleep all night and if he does decide to sleep he will occasionally sleep in the spare bed. I have mentioned that I feel lonely and don't know what to do and he suggested I find something to do with my time or find some friends to do things with so that I don't worry about him. This is very hurtful for me and feeling extremely lost on how to improve this situation.

TiredMum77 Who helps those caring for their depressed family member?
  • replies: 2

I have just come from a mental health unit at the public hospital with my 18 year old and while the staff were amazing with her, no one offered me any advice at all. I was made to feel guilty for not noticing earlier and then told well done for comin... View more

I have just come from a mental health unit at the public hospital with my 18 year old and while the staff were amazing with her, no one offered me any advice at all. I was made to feel guilty for not noticing earlier and then told well done for coming in which felt all too patronising. I was told to keep being supportive and love her but isn’t that what I’ve already been doing? It isn’t enough. I have been told to monitor her but again, that is what I was doing, that is how she got there in the first place. Where is the practical help? I’m exhausted. I still have to work and raise three other children. Everyone in the family is going through this, but no one is listening to us. Her depression is so draining on everyone. She is so angry that we don’t understand and I get that. But I am only human. Please help....

Outburst92 Toxic Ex with mental health concerns won’t stop reaching out
  • replies: 3

Hi All, My toxic ex who I ended things with in early 2017 will not stop messaging and calling despite being blocked on various platforms. He says his mental health has taken a turn for the worse and that he wants to talk to me about his mental state ... View more

Hi All, My toxic ex who I ended things with in early 2017 will not stop messaging and calling despite being blocked on various platforms. He says his mental health has taken a turn for the worse and that he wants to talk to me about his mental state because he knows it will help. Inviting him back into my life would not be beneficial for my own mental health but now I’m concerned for his wellbeing. Is there any support service in WA I can reach out to that could potentially connect with him/check on him? Other tips?

Dr_Kim Helping your child to overcome school refusal
  • replies: 17

Ok, I am going to be super up front and direct about this topic. I feel really bad for any parent in this situation as I can only imagine what they have gone through. The sadness, the dramas , the heartache , the sense of guilt, shame, anxiety about ... View more

Ok, I am going to be super up front and direct about this topic. I feel really bad for any parent in this situation as I can only imagine what they have gone through. The sadness, the dramas , the heartache , the sense of guilt, shame, anxiety about what to do, about what NOT to do. I feel 3 things need to happen pretty quickly and intensively for any child refusing to go to school because of their anxiety or depression: 1. They need their condition treated 2. They need to get back to school as school refusal is a slippery slope 3. Parents, Guardians and any other family members need guidance in developing management skills to help the child as it is really hard work. So… where to from here ? Consult a great GP who can guide you to a great psychologist and child / adolescent psychiatrist. Your child needs a proper evaluation and diagnosis and treatment plan. ( Make sure it's anxiety/depression and not aspergers or something else for example) I recommend parents find someone ( GP or therapist or case worker) to manage their child’s back to school plan. This involves managing the logistics of exactly how this happens - looking at the timing of when they go and for how long each time, and who they report to at the school in case of this that or the other… Check if there is a Headspace centre near you, please drop in there and see what they can offer as they usually have some experience with this sort of thing: https://www.headspace.org.au/ If you don’t have a GP, you can find one here: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/find-a-professional Whatever you do, just start doing it now and keep going . DO NOT GIVE UP! Keep searching for help as getting your child some relief from their anxiety/depression is really important and getting back into education is such an important goal. Ring helplines - Beyond Blue or kids helpline (1800 55 1800) if you get stuck. I hope I haven’t overwhelmed you, I want to reassure you that the parental instinct that has lead you to research this is 100% spot on !! Here is another helpful link: https://www.kidsmatter.edu.au/mental-health-matters/school-refusal Do you have experience in helping a child overcome school refusal? Share your tips and experiences below!

Sammy_123 Heart broken
  • replies: 2

I am a mum to a beautiful girl who has attempted to commit suicide several times now over the past 12 months most recently last week while she was in hospital, i am devastated and cant stop crying, it gets so hard because i have to hold it in all the... View more

I am a mum to a beautiful girl who has attempted to commit suicide several times now over the past 12 months most recently last week while she was in hospital, i am devastated and cant stop crying, it gets so hard because i have to hold it in all the time and pretend that everything is all fine and go about my life. I feel lost and alone, my husband and I are trying the best we can to get through each day, but the strain of this is killing us. I am watching both my best friend and partner dying as well as watching my daughter go through all this as well she has mutilated her body and it is hard to see, when I tend to her wounds I feel shell shocked they are so severe and she is still my baby, I try not to feel anything but the numbness is also killing me on the inside. I don't know what else to do. I go to work because I have too but lock myself away and cry because it is the only time I have to myself. My life is a constant stress, I am scared to sleep yet I am scared to be awake. I used to be a strong woman vibrant and determined, i look at myself now and I don't recognize the person looking back at me, i have aged exponentially and i am constantly afraid of the next drama to come my way. I think if i told anyone what i am going through they would distance themselves from me, and i would loose my job and reputation but i cant keep going like this. I was an important executive, we had everything now I feel like a worthless, useless person, at times i am resentful that my child has done this to me and that just makes everything worse.

WorriedMum_ Year 12 daughter saved her friend from an attempt and now she has PTSD and can't go to school *Trigger warning: suicide attempt*
  • replies: 2

My beautiful caring daughter attended a social gathering at a school friends house. One of the friends hadn't been seen for a while, so they went looking for him. Her and her male friend found the guy mid-suicide attempt. They immediately went to hel... View more

My beautiful caring daughter attended a social gathering at a school friends house. One of the friends hadn't been seen for a while, so they went looking for him. Her and her male friend found the guy mid-suicide attempt. They immediately went to help him while screaming for help. Another guy came running over to help. She said she was panicking. He was very lucky to come around and survive. Had it been a few minutes later he would not be so lucky. Once the boy came round he claims he doesn't remember anything (he had been drinking and is on a strong dose of antidepressants). So the people that were at the gathering decided they would not let their parents, his parents or the school know as they feel he doesn't remember it and he was just being a sad drunk on Valentines Day (as he had broken up with his girlfriend). So they have all gone on as if nothing has happened. By daughter wants them to tell the parents and the school but they don't want her to. She is in a very toxic friendship group with 10 guys and just 1 other female. She is new to the school and this is the only friendship group that would let her sit with them. They boys in the group are misogynistic and her female bestfriend is suffering from a whole lot of issues but loves the attention from the boys in the group so she will always choose the boys over her only female best friend. The guy who tried to commit suicide is attending school and everyone is acting like NOTHING happened. My poor daughter is so traumatised.This friendship group has been toxic for about a year now and this recent experience has made things so much worse. She does not want to go to school and see these people, however she is 3 terms away from finishing Year 12. She is booked in with the GP to get a mental health plan so she can see a psychologist to help process everything that has happened. I want to protect her and keep her away from the toxic friendship group, but she has nowhere else to sit (and these people are in her classes). She doesn't want to spend her school breaks in the library or bathroom. She is tearful at school, needs to ask to go to the bathroom to cry before returning to class. Please HELP me help her?

Phoebe57 Desperate Mum
  • replies: 5

Hi I'm mum of a nearly 36 son who suffers from anxiety and depression. He tells me he manages his feelings by drinking and gambling. Consequently he is in a huge amount of debt. He goes to counselling fortnight at $190 per session and seems to really... View more

Hi I'm mum of a nearly 36 son who suffers from anxiety and depression. He tells me he manages his feelings by drinking and gambling. Consequently he is in a huge amount of debt. He goes to counselling fortnight at $190 per session and seems to really trust his counsellor, however, I feel he isn't making any progress. I had been helping him financially for some time but since I have recently retired, couldn't see an end, so have withdrawn that support. He has now threatened to quit his job and go on welfare so he doesn't have to service his debts. He refuses to talk to me and will only communicate with texts as he says he can't bear to hear thw hurt and disappointment in my voice. His father and I divorced about 10 years ago. His father also suffers from mental illness and alcoholism. I want to be able to help, but I don't know how and while I can see how unwell he is, I feel that he is manipulating me. I have a very supportive family who all want to help him but he's shut us all out and only approaches us for money.

jack_of_hearts Helping a friend
  • replies: 1

hi, I'm jack of hearts my friend has been having a hard time figuring out who they are. They have been using different labels and pronouns for a while now. They come from a homophobic, religious household limiting ways to express themselves the way t... View more

hi, I'm jack of hearts my friend has been having a hard time figuring out who they are. They have been using different labels and pronouns for a while now. They come from a homophobic, religious household limiting ways to express themselves the way they want to. I have been trying my best to help them out by giving them advice I have found from the internet (I am aware of how unreliable this could be but it's what I've got) and other people who have gone through this, yet still I am unsuccessful. They also have been under a lot of stress from the way they have been treating themselves and the way others are too. I am genuinely worried for them. I hope it isn't too much to ask but can you guys drop some more tips on how I can help them out.:))

Caringwife2021 Preparing my husband for inpatient treatment
  • replies: 19

HELP Preparing for Husband to go to Hospital !! First time poster not sure who to ask for this. Could bother his doctor or the hospital or even my dad who is a psychiatrist but I thought reaching out to people who have first hand experience in this a... View more

HELP Preparing for Husband to go to Hospital !! First time poster not sure who to ask for this. Could bother his doctor or the hospital or even my dad who is a psychiatrist but I thought reaching out to people who have first hand experience in this as I doubt my dad usually takes note of what personal effects and how many pairs of socks his patients brought to hospital. My husband is going to hospital to sort out his medication and really get on top of his mental illness instead of limping along on horse tranquillisers and telehealth appointments every few weeks.He is very high function he works in management and does tri's. He is very very unwell with PTSD which developed into a major depressive episode and now also anxiety. he is going in for at least four weeks to Private Clinic in February. My question I want to do all I can to help him and make the stay as comfortable as possible so what do I pack for him ??? SPORT Road bike and indoor training ( his doc is getting permission for from the hospital to set it up to continue his training) Yoga mat Clothing: 3 sets of tracksuits, 3 short sleave PJS, 2 long sleeve PJS , 5 sets of running gear,3 sets of cycling gear, 5 pairs of pants, 7 tshirts, One set of going out stuff, Sneakers, Boots, Slippers ,Thongs/slids 14 sets of sock and underwear I am labelling everything order cute iron on tags Toiletries , normal cologne ,beard wash, beard oil, hair wax, shampoo conditioner, body wash for sport, body wash and lotion ( lush sleepy for evenings) , face cleanser, moisturiser, facial scrub. Beard trimmer hair brush tooth brush tooth paste Room Own pillow, 4 picture frames, body pillow, soft toy models of his dogs Anything else that we can make it more homely ? Personal effects : Photo books of dogs, travel Books of 58 love notes I am having made Books of well wishes from 20 close friends I am compiling Activity books: colouring, dot to dot, maths text book for fun Am I missing anything or does anyone have any tips ?? We live and work 250km away both with super supportive works and friends but i will only be able to visit 3 days a week. Also want to make it as comfortable as possible to give him every chance of success.