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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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MummaS33 How to help a friend with PND
  • replies: 1

I literally don't know if this will even make any sense, but I'll give it a go. I have a friend who I am extremely worried about; however I am more concerned for her children. There is a significant history of trauma (a late miscarriage, child with c... View more

I literally don't know if this will even make any sense, but I'll give it a go. I have a friend who I am extremely worried about; however I am more concerned for her children. There is a significant history of trauma (a late miscarriage, child with cancer and early childhood trauma) which has impacted her life greatly. Since the birth of her youngest, over 12 months ago, there has been a rapid decline in her mental health. Nightly anxiety attacks, no longer leaving the house, unable to cope with the children or maintain a conversation. I have witnessed one of her anxiety attacks and even as a health professional I found it confronting. I have spoken to her and acknowledged her traumas and the impact that they could be having. I have supported her and listened for endless hours about her ongoing struggles. I have spoken with her partner and continue to emphasize that he is doing a fantastic job. However she goes to the Dr and paints a picture that nothing is wrong, refuses to take medication and will continuously say the Dr believes she is fine and places the blame on her partner. Now here is where my concerns lay with the children. The eldest is spoken down to often, struggling with social and emotional connections. The middle child (cancer survivor) is almost school age, still in nappies, terrified of everything and has started making comments about "Mummy screaming at her" or "Mummy getting very angry". She spends 98% of her time in her bedroom on her iPad, does not attend preschool and also struggles with social and emotional connections. The youngest has spent most of her life in a cot, portacot, pram. Very developmentally delayed and often wants to leave with people when they leave the house. My friend has made comments about being scared of herself. Her partner no longer does anything for himself out of fear of being repercussions and the house has such a negative energy about it. We have started avoiding gatherings, however something just does not sit right with me and I need to help her in someway. Mainly for the kids.

Glenwood Out of the Loop
  • replies: 5

My wife has experienced periodic anxiety for many years now. Until recently, we hadn't identified it as such. Episodes include her lashing out at me verbally and family around her. I feel attacked and abused personally and resent her attacks. We have... View more

My wife has experienced periodic anxiety for many years now. Until recently, we hadn't identified it as such. Episodes include her lashing out at me verbally and family around her. I feel attacked and abused personally and resent her attacks. We have had conversations and she doesn't realise how aggressive she becomes during these events. She has said she is open for me to confront her in these times but I don't feel equipped in how best to do this in the heat of battle. Often, I attack back and we both withdraw from each other until tensions are eased. Sometimes this is days. In the past we have come together and broken the silence by talking things out but the cycle repeats and I feel hopeless to change the pattern. She is on medication and is presently getting counseling but I don't know what is happening with the sessions. I feel out of the loop and unsupported myself.

Aniuok Drinking too much alcohol due to partners high stress levels
  • replies: 5

My wife finds everything difficult and stressful, possible early onset Alzheimer’s. I am coping partly by drinking too much because of the constant nature of this stress on me. I use music to relax, enjoyment of nature etc but I need more coping skil... View more

My wife finds everything difficult and stressful, possible early onset Alzheimer’s. I am coping partly by drinking too much because of the constant nature of this stress on me. I use music to relax, enjoyment of nature etc but I need more coping skills

sandl12 Helping my BFF with depression
  • replies: 3

Hi, I am new to the forums. Looking for some advice. My BFF gets engulfed in what he calls "the darkness" and when he is experiencing an episode, I can't seem to find anyway to help him through it. He is a gay man who feels isolated from his communit... View more

Hi, I am new to the forums. Looking for some advice. My BFF gets engulfed in what he calls "the darkness" and when he is experiencing an episode, I can't seem to find anyway to help him through it. He is a gay man who feels isolated from his community, his best friend who is also gay has moved overseas and all his other friends in the community have partners. For most of his life he has struggled with his weight and has zero self esteem and hates himself. He has had some terrible things happen to him, bashed, mugged, cancer, heart attack, unsupported by his family when he came out - he is in his late 50's now. I have begged him to get professional help or contact Beyond Blue but he refuses. I just feel so helpless as there is nothing I can say or do that seems to make any difference. I don't think he really wants to die as he has fought so hard to live but I can't take the chance. He keeps saying the world won't miss him, he would be better off dead, I would be better off if he was dead and it scares me. The sense of relief I feel when he comes out of "the darkness" is overwhelming as I feel I can relax for a while. He has taken a huge step towards helping himself by walking every day and has lost over 10kg. He has stopped drinking and eating only nourishing food. He says he is now facing his demons and trying to deconstruct his thoughts, draw a line in the sand and use 2021 as a rebirth. He is in so much pain mentally as he is facing all of the issues he buried and I am not sure he can do this without help. He hides this from his other friends and refuses to discuss it with them or allow me to seek support from them or my family. I feel so isolated and helpless, any suggestions? Thanks for listening

Louigi I think my husband is depressed
  • replies: 4

Just over a year ago we went back to fifo snd at the same time my mother in law passed away very unexpectedly. My husband struggled with this as expected. They weren’t hugely close but still I would find him crying quite often. Each weekend he came h... View more

Just over a year ago we went back to fifo snd at the same time my mother in law passed away very unexpectedly. My husband struggled with this as expected. They weren’t hugely close but still I would find him crying quite often. Each weekend he came home it was like he would overreact to anything and yell. He has said when public speaking at work he shakes almost out of control and feels it’s anxiety. He is always tired. Drinking a lot more and gambling. I have just found he has become very close with a female colleague. Intimacy declined rapidly between us which is out of character for him. I found a text message from her that is not something a friend says, someone a little closer. He says nothing is going on but I think otherwise as rumours were suggested a few months ago. He began trying harder with me. But I still feel something is not right. He wants to do what he wants to do not think about me or our two kids. We have been together 20 years and had ups and downs like all relationships. But when I ask for him to show me his messages he flew off the handle and walked out. He won’t talk. He now says we need to seperate. I’ve suggested for over a year he needs to go speak with someone but he doesn’t. How do I help

Unsure123 I'm not sure what to do
  • replies: 4

It's obvious to me and people around us that my husband is struggling emotionally. He seems to have checked out from our family (with me and two young children) and is critical all the time. He doesn't have any friends and doesn't even try. When we g... View more

It's obvious to me and people around us that my husband is struggling emotionally. He seems to have checked out from our family (with me and two young children) and is critical all the time. He doesn't have any friends and doesn't even try. When we go out as a family to events, it's always just our children and I and I have to make excuses for him constantly. He is critical at home and most days even the slightest thing sets him off. Basically, if something happens that he cannot handle, he gets angry then disappears outside or on the computer. This happens most days. I'm most concerned about the effect on our children because they don't want to go near him and come to me 100% of the time. They also won't stay with him to allow me to go out for even a 5 minute run to the shops and they always ask why daddy doesn't want to play/doesn't come with us/yells at us/is always cranky, etc. I've explained that sometimes Daddy doesn't feel good or gets cranky and that's why he gives himself a time-out (goes outside or on the computer). Needless to say, I am constantly criticised and have the responsibility to do everything. I won't be in a position to leave for at least 18 months when I can get a full-time job when my youngest is old enough. However, something needs to be done now. I can't force him to seek help and he isn't physically violent. I also have a firm boundary that if there is ever any physical violence then I will walk out the door immediately and I'm not afraid to do that. What can I do to prompt intervention now? I have tried talking to him but am told I'm stupid. I regularly see a psychologist myself because this situation has gone on for years and it was causing me anxiety. I'm now at a point where I can be in control of the family, household, finances etc but my husband separates himself from the family. What do I do next?

taya87 I can't move on
  • replies: 1

Hi there! I know this has been a topic many times already, but I guess I just need to share my story and hear some affirmation. So my boyfriend for 2 years suffered from depression after he got separated from his ex-wife. It was a rocky start for bot... View more

Hi there! I know this has been a topic many times already, but I guess I just need to share my story and hear some affirmation. So my boyfriend for 2 years suffered from depression after he got separated from his ex-wife. It was a rocky start for both of us but the second year was really good. I thought he was actually doing okay. A few months ago he suddenly told me that he was moving out because he was being too dependent on me and just wants to be alone. The relationship was still okay for a few days after he moved out, but then the communication dwindled. I asked him what’s going on. He said his depression was coming back and he just wants to be alone at the moment. He then told me that he is not sure where this relationship is going because he won’t be able to commit to marriage because he still wasn’t sure. But I never really talked to him about marriage knowing that he had a traumatic experience with his ex-wife. I tried to tell him to go back to his therapist but he was adamant not to and he doesn’t want to go back to his meds. He thinks he knows what to do already to get over his depression, which was going to the gym, eating healthy, travelling, etc., which is good but only temporary. I gave him space for weeks, just occasional texts to check-up on him. I learned that he would talk to some of his friends and family, but just not me. I felt sad because I was very supportive of him but he was shutting me out. After weeks of being in constant battle of “should I text him or should I give him space?”, I decided to break it off with him and just be friends with him coz I felt that our relationship was actually causing him more stress. I don’t know if what I did was right. He didn’t really break-up with me, he left me the choice to do it because I think he still wants me around when he’s figured things out. Also he’s from overseas so his family and his close friends are not here, so basically it’s just me. If I was given a choice, I would stay in the relationship if only he would open up to me as well. I still love him but I felt like it was a dead end for us. My problem now is that I find it hard to move on. I'm still being a good friend to him by calling him and showing up to his place occasionally. I felt bad coz he has no family or close friends around. But the feelings are still there. In my mind, when he gets better, we’ll be okay again. Which is not good for me because we never really know when he’s gonna be okay. I don’t know what to do.

KatherineW How do I keep moving forward with my life without adding more pressure to his?
  • replies: 1

My neighbour has been a wonderful gentleman for the 5 years of knowing him. He does my gardening once a month and has helped me with various maintenance jobs. I pay him for his time with meals or money, depending on his situation. We both have expres... View more

My neighbour has been a wonderful gentleman for the 5 years of knowing him. He does my gardening once a month and has helped me with various maintenance jobs. I pay him for his time with meals or money, depending on his situation. We both have expressed our stories of past trauma and became good friends. However of late, he has been declining his clients help and pushes out requests to do some tasks. Gardening is his livelihood and it keeps him moving forward. His behaviour is changing, he’s not bubbly like he use to be. He looks unkept and starting to smoke again. Recently he said he cancelled all his jobs for the week because he couldn’t be bothered. Yet, that day he cut his own lawn and did his own gardening before the rain set in. I’m not sure how to respond to him when he complains about his health as part of me feels he is going through something undiagnosed. He’s witty though! He knew to get his lawn ready for the rain. But didn’t feel the importance for the rest of the community. He once told me his daughter is selfish and only thinks of herself. They live together. I know her well and his information gave me closure as I tried creating a friendship with her but failed as she did infact always put herself first, even before her father’s and child’s needs. My request today is “how do I keep moving forward with my life without adding more pressure to his?” I want to help him financially but I feel the constant let down I’m witnessing may start to make it harder for me to cope with. It’s probably time I book in a professional or save up for my own equipment. But I feel bad for him because he’s a great guy and just needs some sort of help to get back on track. It’s not about the money. He doesn’t care about that. It has something to do with his mental and emotional state. I have to be careful though because I can get myself in to a pickle if I care too much. Boundaries is something I am thinking may need to be addressed. He may just need to be my neighbour again instead of a friend or personal gardener. Thank you in advance for your comments.

Macaz Lost
  • replies: 4

I have a 12 yr old son who last year was diagnosed with depression, anxiety and OCD. He’s seeing a psychologist who says she doesn’t know what to do with him because CBT hadn’t worked and everything else she’s tried doesn’t work. He’s not receptive t... View more

I have a 12 yr old son who last year was diagnosed with depression, anxiety and OCD. He’s seeing a psychologist who says she doesn’t know what to do with him because CBT hadn’t worked and everything else she’s tried doesn’t work. He’s not receptive to any of it. He’s seeing a paediatrician who just seems to say , go on this tablet, that doesn’t work try this one, then up that one and it’ll all take over 6 weeks with every change so just stick with it. He is worse than ever. He feels like he’s drowning and I can’t do anything to help him except tell him that it will get better, but I don’t see how. I don’t know what to do.

Em_Louise Helping friend/ partner
  • replies: 4

Hello! I became super close friends with someone last year over and recently we started dating and it’s going great, the only thing is they’re struggling a lot with depression, anxiety and I believe ADHD too. It’s so hard to see them at a low and I h... View more

Hello! I became super close friends with someone last year over and recently we started dating and it’s going great, the only thing is they’re struggling a lot with depression, anxiety and I believe ADHD too. It’s so hard to see them at a low and I have no idea how to help them, any advice would be great I so scared that I’ll lose them. Also they briefly have mentioned that high school was really hard but never went into specifics I do know that they struggle with body image a lot and just generally traumatic sort of high school time, and while I know they’re making progress and are talking to me, and getting help it’s still so scary when they stuff about how hard it is or how tired they are, I’m just really afraid basically and it’s out of my control. I should also mention that I am also trying to seek help for some of my own mental health issues but they aren’t quite so severe, and in some messed up way I almost use my partners experience as a way to invalidate my own problems, which I know is bad but I can’t help thinking how much worse it is for the, and other people I know. any replies would be amazing, thank you in advance xx Em.