Supporting family and friends

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Parents and caregivers: How are you feeling about the social media restrictions for under 16s?

replies: 3

Hey everyone, It’s hard to miss the talk around the new social media restrictions for under 16s, set to roll out across Australia in early December. We’ve heard from some of the younger members of our community, and now we’d love to hear from parents and caregivers. For some, this change might feel like a welcome relief - a clearer way to manage social media use and protect young people. For others, there may be concerns about how it will affect access to online support, questions around how age verification will actually work, or frustration and powerlessness over a decision beyond our control. All of these feelings are valid. If you’re a parent or caregiver, or you have some young people in your life that will be affected by these restrictions, how are you feeling about this change? We’ve created this space for anyone caring for young people to share their thoughts, ask questions, and support each other through the uncertainty of the months ahead.Kind regardsSophie M

Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience

replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

by Carmela •

Blue Voices Member•

Posted in Supporting family and friends

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15-07-2016

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Need advice from POC on how to tell parents about partners bipolar

replies: 2

My partner has bipolar disorder. But separate to that he is emotionally abusive, some things I could put on the bipolar, and some things he conveniently blames on bipolar. I remain supportive and helpful and only try to talk about his treatment of me when it gets really bad, otherwise I just take it and it is slowly wearing me down. But it is what it is and I am doing my best to stay sane and see my reality. (he is on meds, sees a psychologist, but this is a whole other issue!) I divide my time between him and my mum. I don't want to leave him just yet because I am studying and I also look after my mum who surprisingly (?) treats me the same as my partner, although definitely not as bad. Point is, I don't have money right now and I can't just stay with my mum because I will go from looking after one person to looking after the other 24/7. Having my partners and my house actually gives me a break from my mum, my partner goes to work 3 days a week and I have my own room. My mum had a stroke 3 years ago, and mostly requires admin work which takes up so much time. But she is emotionally and mentally draining, puts me down and is a brat? She has always been an irresponsible parent, but now she has a lot more time on her hands to be irresponsible. But but but, i actually came here to talk about: My family are immigrants, from Africa, but the culture is more of a cross between African and South Asian. That is the best way I can describe it. So a lot of gender expectations, a lot of my older brother can do whatever and I am expected to do all the family stuff. My brothers time is respected, mine is expected. Also, my greatest achievement for my family is having a white partner, getting married and having babies. They believe this is going to happen with my current partner and they absolutely love him, they often thank him for "looking after me" which is such an infuriating joke. I have a dad, my parents are divorced. They buy him presents and they are a lot more involved in my life since we got together. Does anyone have advice on how to tell your brown parents that your partner is mentally ill and how to softly shatter their dreams of marriage/babies? This baby thing is a really hard thing for me to deal with too, because I am 34, probably won't be able to leave until next year, so my chances of having children are slowly dying away. But! I need to deal with my parents first.

Supporting Depressed, Anxious and Angry Wife

replies: 12

HI All I started my journey trying to support my depressed wife 6 years ago. She was my fiance back then. I have never resorted to writing and sharing online but my level of frustration is at a point where I see no hope and hence wanted some advice and let me heart out at the same time. I am broken to to her verbal abuse, hearing her blame me for everything since the last 6 years. She would often loose control over herself and crack it at me for no reason at all and then blame me for all of it if i dare to get upset about it. I have never heard so much abuse cummulatively in my whole life than i have in these last few years. Hats off to everyone who has been doing this for years, it is a mighty task. I have tried settling boundries but without any success. If i try to explain that shes being unfair she will argue and argue for hours till im tired and wish to give in. If i do agree to her threats of divorce she would blame me again for never loving her and being so selfish. I feel like every door i walk towards is locked. She would generally blame me for not loving her, making her feel unloved, unheard, controlling her, making her feel unwrothy of anything. This normally comes out all togather with a whole load of abuse. If i try and say a word i get labelled as defensive. I understand I have to validate her but she makes it an impossible task for me to do so. Even if i am apoligizing she will continue to critisize me and in different forms till i get frustrated and respond back. She would even catastrophize small situations and start yelling. Im tired, so tired

Supporting a parent of a suicide attempt

replies: 2

I have personal experience of suicide through family, however recently I have a very close friend who is dealing with the suicide attempt of her child. I don't know what to say or do. After so long of many lock downs and being a front line worker, sh... View more

our intimacy

replies: 9

So I've been with my husband since I was 17, hes had depression anxiety since we've started together now 9 years on im 25 hes 31 we have a toddler whos 2.5. But im not happy anymore. I don't know what I feel about him. Ive always been the one supporting him through leaving jobs moving back into his parents putting life on hold due to his illness. But these past 18months and more so 6months ive been so unhappy. I don't feel in love with him. There always feels like im married to two different people but now it feels like one and this isn't the person i thought I loved! I feel so lonely, craving the attention and feel of a man. Hoping its him of course but hes always got excuses to not be intimate with me. Theres no playfulness which isnt something new hes always been this way. But now it all bothers me. Im thinking why am i still married to him? Theres nothing between us, he doesn't show me he misses me with affection or kind gestures. Ive been trying to hold onto hope that he'll change because we have a daughter but my feelings aren't going away. Ive explained so many times that I need to be touched and have intimate moments with him but nothing gets through. Hes always got excuses when i try to initiate it . Am i overreacting, i need advice on what to do....

Advice on Helping Someone During a Catatonic Episode?

replies: 4

Hi everyone, My friend is currently recovering from a catatonic episode that happened sometime last week, and I was wondering if anybody had any advice or experience in helping someone during these situations? This isn't her first episode, but it is the first to happen around other people and everyone was at a loss for what to do. She's currently seeking psychiatric help, but I was just wondering if there was anything that loved ones could do to support her as an episode is happening, and as she is coming out of it. If anyone has any information or ideas to share, I'd really appreciate it. Thanks in advance

Please share your best tips and advice for preventing co-dependency & stress whilst supporting a partner who's in a bad place

replies: 3

Hi everyone. I hope that you're doing ok today. I'm hoping that we can share some things with each other that have really helped us avoid the too-easy trap of becoming co-dependent, or overly fixated on problem-solving and ruminating about our partners issues. It's not easy to unlearn those habits, especially if you had a history of being codependent or the 'fixer' in childhood dynamics or early relationships. That position can be erosive to our mental state, and only leads to resentment, burnout, and our own depression. So, I hope you will please reflect and think about any 'a-ha' moments you've had regarding this, any phrases or sayings that have worked as mantras for you to keep your emotional + psychological boundaries in check, etc - this could be things you've learned yourself, from friends, family, or media, or also wisdoms you've learned from a therapist. Looking forward to hearing what you all have to share, & I think that a thread like this could become a really solid liferaft for not only each of us on hard days, but also people that come here for the first time in future seeking support and help.

Advice needed caring for 22yr old son

replies: 6

My son and me live I'm a small country town, my son is autistic anxiety and depression recovering from cancer and is gay. He has isolated himself especially since covid, won't leave the house alone. I myself is very sick, pain conditions, anxiety whi... View more

Partner with depression + untreated ADHD told me he thinks about suicide all the time. I need to talk

replies: 4

Hi, I'm here looking for support and maybe some advice from people who have gone through/are going through similar experiences with a partner. My partner of 8 years has lived with anxiety and depression the whole time I've known him. Recently he's realised through online assessments and talking with a GP and psychologist that he very likely has ADHD. He feels this is at the root of all of his issues in life. He has been chronically unemployed, and has not managed to keep employment for longer than a month and a half. It 100% seems that ADHD is at the root of this, and possibly is the reason underneath his depression. The issue is that in order to get medication, he needs a diagnosis from a psychiatrist, and this costs minimum $500. I'm a student and he's unemployed, so I don't know how will we get the money for this anytime soon. He is also worried that he won't be able to take the medication as he has a history of anxiety, and he's heard the meds can make anxiety worse. He has expressed that if he is told he doesn't have ADHD, he's going to end his life, and that if he can't take the medication, he's going to end his life. When I asked more questions about this, he said that he has too much empathy to go through with it as he doesn't want to me and his family to suffer. He then said he doesn't want to worry me, but that he thinks about suicide all of the time. He says it's too hard to live like this, and that if he finds out there's no help with the medication, he doesn't know how he will go on. I listened and let him talk. In the past I've really panicked and shut down when he's expressed these sorts of things because they scared and overwhelmed me. I'm trying to have firmer boundaries so that worrying about him doesn't become my 24/7 state and doesn't consume my own mental health. But also trying to be supportive and just be here, without trying to tell him what to do or trying to solve everything when I can't. I reminded him he has lived with this without help for so long, and that it could be so much better with help. I told him there's help no matter what and it can get better no matter what. He is not so hopeful. I've reached out to some psychiatrists to see if they'll accept payment plans for assessment, and have found a bulk-billing psychologist who I'll call when I can sneak away at some point today, or email. He is on a large dose of antidepressants already that I think are keeping him from truly being bed-bound. I guess I just wanted to talk.

I believe that my partner may be suffering from psychotic episodes

replies: 6

We have been together for 4 years and are moving to living together more permanently next year. Her last partner of well over 20 years was unfaithful so there has been some insecurity issues around other women. I haven't dealt with these issues in previous relationships so I have just tried to be patient and supportive of her during these times. We work together. These issues have been become more frequent this year as my partner has become obsessively focussed on a work colleague. She is sure that we are having secret meetings and that worries that something big is looming. She is now hearing voices in the room next to her believing that it is proof of this secret relationship. It doesnt matter how much proof that I give her (the female colleague being absent from work that day for instance) she will not believe. Many more (now daily) examples of her fantasies that we are meeting secretly. My workspace is highly regulated with camera and 'sign in' and so proof of where i am is easy to come by. She turns into a different person when she has these episodes . I have been able to talk her down to calm until recently but they have become more frequent (daily now). I believe that the latest these episodes started 4 months ago when she was under significant family pressure (although they did exist before but far less frequently). I have encouraged her to do some counselling around trust issues (would like to do couples counselling but she finds this too confronting) but since now she is hearing voices I am worried that she needs greater assistance. Her personality challenges radically when she has an episode, becoming very abusive and irrational. I feel that our relationship is in crisis and would like to do everything that I can save it as she is perfect in every other way. I am very happy to do this journey back to healthy with her but she first needs to recognise that there is something very wrong and secondly needs to seek help. I would really appreciate any ideas, reflections or assistance. A good friend of mine (psych) has told me that i should end the relationship now because there are too many worrying signs. She has described the relationship as abusive and manipulative. I understand her advice but am deeply in love with my partner and would like to give her (and us) every chance.

Depressed daughter Trigger warning - self harm

replies: 17

Hello, First time posting. My 15 year old daughter has been suffering from depression for almost a year now. I am not sure what event caused it or if it is a combination but her first real boyfriend broke up with her last year. Her best friend moved overseas and her friendship circle broke down. I believe the fact that one of her friends in particular started communicating with me about my daughters struggles may have caused friction in the group and my daughter now feels guilt over that also. She has been self harming, eating less and less each day and withdrawn from her friends and everything that she used to love. I've tried 2 counsellors but she doesn't want to talk to them. She opens up a little to the guidance officer at school which is good but besides that doesn't talk to anyone about her struggles. She has body image issues and has lost a lot of weight, also refusing to eat in front of people. We've been to a Dr today and had blood tests done after she disclosed feeling often dizzy and light headed to the GO. I'd love to hear from others who have been through this. Its so shattering to watch her go through this. Previously I'd become all emotional and jump into 'fix it' mode but I am now learning to keep calm and offer support rather than advise. Thanks

Parents and caregivers: How are you feeling about the social media restrictions for under 16s? replies: 3

Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience replies: 41

Need advice from POC on how to tell parents about partners bipolar replies: 2

Supporting Depressed, Anxious and Angry Wife replies: 12

Supporting a parent of a suicide attempt replies: 2

our intimacy replies: 9

Advice on Helping Someone During a Catatonic Episode? replies: 4

Please share your best tips and advice for preventing co-dependency & stress whilst supporting a partner who's in a bad place replies: 3

Advice needed caring for 22yr old son replies: 6

Partner with depression + untreated ADHD told me he thinks about suicide all the time. I need to talk replies: 4

I believe that my partner may be suffering from psychotic episodes replies: 6

Depressed daughter *Trigger warning - self harm* replies: 17