FAQ

Find answers to some of the more frequently asked questions on the Forums.

Forums guidelines

Our guidelines keep the Forums a safe place for people to share and learn information.

How do I keep moving forward with my life without adding more pressure to his?

KatherineW
Community Member

My neighbour has been a wonderful gentleman for the 5 years of knowing him. He does my gardening once a month and has helped me with various maintenance jobs. I pay him for his time with meals or money, depending on his situation. We both have expressed our stories of past trauma and became good friends. However of late, he has been declining his clients help and pushes out requests to do some tasks. Gardening is his livelihood and it keeps him moving forward. His behaviour is changing, he’s not bubbly like he use to be. He looks unkept and starting to smoke again. Recently he said he cancelled all his jobs for the week because he couldn’t be bothered. Yet, that day he cut his own lawn and did his own gardening before the rain set in. I’m not sure how to respond to him when he complains about his health as part of me feels he is going through something undiagnosed. He’s witty though! He knew to get his lawn ready for the rain. But didn’t feel the importance for the rest of the community. He once told me his daughter is selfish and only thinks of herself. They live together. I know her well and his information gave me closure as I tried creating a friendship with her but failed as she did infact always put herself first, even before her father’s and child’s needs. My request today is

“how do I keep moving forward with my life without adding more pressure to his?”

I want to help him financially but I feel the constant let down I’m witnessing may start to make it harder for me to cope with. It’s probably time I book in a professional or save up for my own equipment. But I feel bad for him because he’s a great guy and just needs some sort of help to get back on track. It’s not about the money. He doesn’t care about that. It has something to do with his mental and emotional state.

I have to be careful though because I can get myself in to a pickle if I care too much. Boundaries is something I am thinking may need to be addressed. He may just need to be my neighbour again instead of a friend or personal gardener.

Thank you in advance for your comments.

1 Reply 1

Isabella_
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello @KatherineW

Thank you for reaching out. I sense you're a very empathetic, sensitive natured soul which is a true gift, and indeed there is the issue of boundaries, becoming too emotionally invested and hyperaware of the struggles around us. First and foremost it's good that you've recognised this, but it's important to recognise that in no way would you be betraying him for doing what is best for you, it would be a betrayal to yourself. It's a rarity these days that neighbours make themselves available for each other in such a kind way, even down to sharing life stories with each other which is an amazing thing.

From my understanding, you've made yourself more than available to listen and care for his needs despite not being a family member or person of care. I suppose it's important to consider the relationship you've fostered with him and whether it would be appropriate to confront him about what's been going on and whether he's okay - and if it is appropriate, in no way does this mean you are responsible for assisting him financially. Having a conversation about it and being a friend is more than enough, and can be all someone needs to get some perspective and move forward. Regardless, this doesn't necessarily indicate an obligation - whether he moves forward or not - or whether you choose to confront him or not - either way is absolutely more than okay. In every scenario there is more to what is seen - he could be in contact with distant family members, he could be receiving help, you never know. In my opinion, the best thing for you is to distance yourself from this as it's weighing on you heavily and way above your responsibility - and this won't change the caring person you are at all.

End of the day, if he has decided to cut off clients, perhaps the work is physically or emotionally too much for him right now for whatever reason, and it's his own conscious choice and responsibility, not a result of anything you've done. He is a grown adult after all, and we all have dips and curves to overcome. Including yourself! Which right now should be the priority for you.

I hope I've provided some insight or any kind of help - you seem to be a very caring soul, and every caring person deserves more than anything to do what's best for you, and understand that you aren't hurting anyone for doing so. I'd love to hear more from you.

I wish you all the best - Bella 🙂