I can't move on

[taya87]

Hi there! I know this has been a topic many times already, but I guess I just need to share my story and hear some affirmation.

So my boyfriend for 2 years suffered from depression after he got separated from his ex-wife. It was a rocky start for both of us but the second year was really good. I thought he was actually doing okay.

A few months ago he suddenly told me that he was moving out because he was being too dependent on me and just wants to be alone. The relationship was still okay for a few days after he moved out, but then the communication dwindled. I asked him what’s going on. He said his depression was coming back and he just wants to be alone at the moment. He then told me that he is not sure where this relationship is going because he won’t be able to commit to marriage because he still wasn’t sure. But I never really talked to him about marriage knowing that he had a traumatic experience with his ex-wife.

I tried to tell him to go back to his therapist but he was adamant not to and he doesn’t want to go back to his meds. He thinks he knows what to do already to get over his depression, which was going to the gym, eating healthy, travelling, etc., which is good but only temporary. I gave him space for weeks, just occasional texts to check-up on him. I learned that he would talk to some of his friends and family, but just not me. I felt sad because I was very supportive of him but he was shutting me out.

After weeks of being in constant battle of “should I text him or should I give him space?”, I decided to break it off with him and just be friends with him coz I felt that our relationship was actually causing him more stress. I don’t know if what I did was right. He didn’t really break-up with me, he left me the choice to do it because I think he still wants me around when he’s figured things out. Also he’s from overseas so his family and his close friends are not here, so basically it’s just me. If I was given a choice, I would stay in the relationship if only he would open up to me as well. I still love him but I felt like it was a dead end for us.

My problem now is that I find it hard to move on. I'm still being a good friend to him by calling him and showing up to his place occasionally. I felt bad coz he has no family or close friends around. But the feelings are still there. In my mind, when he gets better, we’ll be okay again. Which is not good for me because we never really know when he’s gonna be okay. I don’t know what to do.

[Croix]

Dear Taya87~

Welcome here to the Forum. You are in a very difficult, and heart-breaking situation and there really is no road-map one can follow.

When a person has depression they may well want to withdraw, I did, but it is a symptom of the illness and in my case after the correct medical help, being medication and therapy, I improved to the extent I was able to resume relations with others. I had tried for a long time to improve all by myself, but just kept on getting worse. The doctors were essential.

In your boyfriend's case this is further complicated by a failed partnership, which would have its own effects.

It is a great pity he has against going back to a therapist, and does not want to continue his meds, believing that withdrawal, exercise and nutrition plus travel will bring him right.

You were spot on by trying to get him to resume his treatment, however you, like all in your position, are limited in how to get him to go back. Very often it is simply not possible. Then again there may be someone else in his life, family perhaps, who might persuade him where you can't. I do realise they are overseas, but it might be possible -what do you think?

At the moment you say you have broken off, however are still trying to support him, trying to be a freind and continue to be around him, feeling responsible as his family is not near. I would suppose you are also clinging to the hope things will improve even while saying you cannot move on. Not surprising, love and hope can keep on leading one on.

I guess the hard part is to try to decide how much you are able to give, the toll in terms of stress, worry and grief taken on you, and the likelihood he will improve to the point you have a stable and equal relationship where you receive as much support as you give.

It may sound heartless to mention this, but it may well be the situation is not recoverable, and if it isn't that does not mean that you have failed, or not done your duty, or not cared enough. Sometimes one simply has to recognize things as they are.

May I ask what you think about that?

Croix

Can I ask what support you have? Are you trying to deal wiht all this on your own or do you have anyone to lean on? Someone to talk things over with to gain a little perspective, and offer a caring ear, without trying to tell you what to do?