Supporting family and friends

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Parents and caregivers: How are you feeling about the social media restrictions for under 16s?

replies: 3

Hey everyone, It’s hard to miss the talk around the new social media restrictions for under 16s, set to roll out across Australia in early December. We’ve heard from some of the younger members of our community, and now we’d love to hear from parents and caregivers. For some, this change might feel like a welcome relief - a clearer way to manage social media use and protect young people. For others, there may be concerns about how it will affect access to online support, questions around how age verification will actually work, or frustration and powerlessness over a decision beyond our control. All of these feelings are valid. If you’re a parent or caregiver, or you have some young people in your life that will be affected by these restrictions, how are you feeling about this change? We’ve created this space for anyone caring for young people to share their thoughts, ask questions, and support each other through the uncertainty of the months ahead.Kind regardsSophie M

Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience

replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

by Carmela •

Blue Voices Member•

Posted in Supporting family and friends

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15-07-2016

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Giving space to someone with depression

replies: 20

Hi there, I've been in a long distance relationship with my partner for 3 years now and he has had depression since before we met. The thing I have always struggled with is giving space, either when he asks for it or when I know he needs it. I have done a lot of research over the last week because we are yet again in another bout of depression. This is the worst it's been, and this time he straight out said he wasn't sure if he wanted to be with me anymore or if he even loves me. This came as a surprise to me as I know that he loves me and wants to be with me, but his depression makes him think otherwise. I haven't spoken to him in over 2 days, as he asked for space, and we have hardly spoken since Sunday (it's Saturday night now). I am at a loss as to what I should do because I don't like not communicating with him, as I feel communication is one of the most important aspects of a relationship. I am not looking for people to tell me that he needs to go see someone, all I am asking is to hear from those who have depression/anxiety and those who are carers, about how much space is enough. I have sent a couple of messages over the last few days to let him know I'm here for him, but he hasn't replied. Will he send me a message when he is ready? What if he doesn't? I don't deal with these bouts of depression, I just want him to get better and be happy and I just need some assistance because I have never been so lost. puppies

Alcoholic husband - how do I get through to him?

replies: 7

Hello, Hubby and I have been together for 18 years and married for 11 with two kids (9 & 7). He has always been a heavy drinker and I’ve always had a problem with it, and he was diagnosed with depression soon after our first child was born (this also coincided with us moving from NZ to Aus) He drinks every night (I can count on 1 hand the number of nights he hasn’t drunk since Feb this year after we did a 6 week challenge which he managed to abstain for, it was lovely!), usually at least 6 during the week then a dozen every night over the weekend. He is high functioning, has a busy, stressful job and goes to the gym most mornings. He finishes work at 4pm, heads to the couch and drinks and watches tv. He’s not interacting with me or the kids and is often cranky, moody and short tempered. Recently he told me he’s not happy with our communication and intimacy, I’ve tried telling him for years that I don’t want to do those things with him when he’s always drunk but now I feel like I’m being gaslighted and that it’s my fault there’s problems in the relationship. I’ve had counselling over the years myself for anxiety, and we’ve done couples counselling in the past too. I hate that the kids think this is normal behaviour but I just don’t know what to do about it anymore. I never drink as someone has to look after the kids, if an activity is after 4pm he’s unlikely to want to attend and I feel like the kids are missing out. Not to mention the expense. He doesn’t have a good support network here, it’s mainly my family and a few mates at the gym, so this all falls on my shoulders. I guess I’m looking for ideas on how to help him and stay sane myself. Thank you

Wanting advice for parenting adult child with mental illness

replies: 13

Hi. My 18 year old daughter has severe anxiety and depression. She was first diagnosed with anxiety at age 7 and depression at age 12. She is currently on medication and we have seen many GPs / psychologists / psychiatrists through the years. She is not currently seeing a psychologist because she did not like the last one and now refuses to see one (she has always been reluctant). She is currently studying at TAFE so there is no legal school obligation involved. For years we struggled with getting her to do anything, but she was a child and we were 100% responsible for her. Now she is an adult and we don't want her to be dependent on us forever. She is very bright and capable of being a functioning member of society, but she doesn't seem to have any desire to. She has missed quite a bit of TAFE and does not complete enough TAFE work at home during lockdown. If we don't "nag" her, she won't shower or eat properly. She spends most of her time in her room and doesn't have her licence. Now that she's an adult I feel like we should just leave her and let her make her own decisions (and cop the consequences), but I think she would be more than happy to live in our back room forever! She hates talking to people about herself and when she is "forced" to she simply tells them what they want to hear. For eg, she tells her TAFE teacher she will catch up on all the work, she tells her GP she will look after herself and agrees to talk to a psychologist. Once we're home she refuses to do whatever it is she "promised". I'm just looking for some advice from parents of adult children with mental illness who are older than my daughter. Do you leave them alone? Do you still heavily parent them by "making" them do things? Do you still take the lead when corresponding with doctors, teachers, bosses etc? Do you still remind them of everything they should be doing? Has your child managed to be a fully functioning adult and live outside of your house? I'm just really worried what the future holds and don't know what to do now that she legally is an adult. Thanks.

Helping a partner with depression

replies: 5

Hello lovely people, I am here to ask what strategies you have used in the past to convince a partner with depression to seek professional help? It has gone beyond anything I can say or do now and I feel incredibly helpless. They are absolutely adamant they will not go to therapy or see a GP due to the implications it may have with work if work ever finds out. However I am so past the point of caring about what work will think! Getting well and feeling better should be of priority. So at the moment I am struggling to get through to them that they need to consider their well-being first. I get daily messages asking for help while they are at work, telling me it’s too hard and they feel so down. I know that I am the only person they talk to about their mental health and have asked in the past to contact friends or family as well but this is just not an option in their mind. It’s just so overwhelming! And I feel as though it’s all on me to get the answers they need and do the work for them! Most suggestions I make are just ignored and we end up arguing about it. Some days I just can’t even be bothered to help, but I pull myself together and do but it really is getting beyond my help now! I am completely ready and willing to be supportive, but I cannot be in a place to ‘help and fix’ anymore. I’d really love some alternative ideas besides getting a GP diagnosis and then heading to a pysch or therapy - I just know it won’t go down well!! Anyway, thank you in advance. Enjoy your day

Supporting son with depression

replies: 3

My son has had anxiety since a child. I took him to a psychologist (against his wishes) when 12 years old and he soon learned that if he 'hid' his anxiety, everyone would leave him alone. Now he is 20 he also has depression. This was something he hid very well, until it became too much. Thankfully he went to a trusted friend and they supported him to see a GP. He has trialled a few anti-depressants but has admitted that he told the GP the current ones are fine so he didn't have to go back, even though things still are not that great. He doesn't want to get counselling. I have noticed changes to his behaviour that out of character (e.g. sitting at the local pub by himself and betting, sometimes drinking). While I do not think there is an immediate concern, I do feel he needs more intervention. It is painful to watch and I am left picking up the pieces after a depressive episode. The only time he wants to talk is when he has had a few too many drinks. Does anyone have advice on how to get them to see that more help is needed?

Struggling to support my depressed partner

replies: 7

Hi there all, I guess I am here for a bit of a vent and any possible advice. Ive been with my boyfriend/fiancè about 2 and a half years. We got engaged about 3 months ago, and I'm 5 months pregnant. He struggles with severe depression and anxiety, which has affected his ability to get and keep jobs due to just having anxiety attacks and not being able to show up on his first day, resulting in him barely working the last 2 years. He has previously sought help with a counsellor but she wasn't the right person and hes waiting to get into a psychiatrist to try some medication. I guess I just am feeling completely at a loss lately. He seems to be making progress.. make 3 steps forward then he loses it and falls back into depression mode and loses all his progress. This has all had a huge impact on our intimacy many times. Im a hugely sensitive person and I try to do everything I can to help. He moved away from his home to be with me 2.5 hours away and misses his family and friends alot.. but I have no idea how to help him. Over the past 2 years I have told him to move back home as he never seems happy here but now we have a baby on the way and I feel completely depleted. I read another thread here about a girl who loves her bf but didnt sign up for this.. I feel the same. I love him with all my heart but this is not the life I want.. to deal with a depressed anxious person, to carry the load 100% of the time, financially and emotionally. I don't want to be a single mum, I just want him to get better. I know its a slow road but im struggling with all the set backs. Does it get better? I'm feeling like I have no more options and I'm out of ideas as he seems set that hes "f'd in the head". Please help me..

Confused on how to help my younger brother

replies: 2

Hi there, It's been a while since I seek out this community. At the moment, I'm currently working to try and save up enough money to get proper medical help for my brother. However, I'm looking for advice on how to better support him until then. My brother is 18 years old and has a somewhat shaky relationship with my parents, especially my mother. He's been suffering from severe depression from the constant criticism and emotional abuse that my mother inflicted on him. During these times, I'd usually accompany him and try my best to give him the support that he needs. Whenever he needs reassurance, I'm always there for him. When he needs to let it out, I'll be the shoulder for him to cry on. However, I have to be honest that at times I genuinely can't always be there for him as I'm also going through my own mental and emotional hurdles. It hurts me during the times that I can't be there for him because I feel like I'm not doing enough. I try to encourage him to do some more mindful activities to ease his mind or remind him to find healthier coping mechanisms. But he'd brush me off and say that it wouldn't work or straight up just doesn't respond. I just don't know how else am I able to help him. I'm afraid that I might've come off as disingenuous in my concern for him or that I'm being too overbearing. I'm just confused how to find the right balance in being the support system that he needs right now.

Helping a parent that won't get help

replies: 11

Hi, I have been concerned about my mum recently. I've noticed her mood changing over the last few months and at first, I thought she was just whinging. Now I see that she is in a bit of a slump and it's getting worse. I understand she lost dad within the last few years, it has been a tough time for her, but it concerns me that even though my siblings and I suggest she gets the help she is reluctant to and keeps going into negatives again. Being her daughter I feel that she doesn't listen to my advice, even though I've had similar issues before. I'm not sure how to deal with it or help her, but I also need to manage my own mental health. I make sure I rest up when I need to and continue to exercise as I feel better from it. How can we help her? Any advice would be appreciated, thank you.

Anybody else supporting a partner with an addiction?

replies: 5

My partner has adhd, undiagnosed and unmedicated until we can get in to see someone (state of the country right now, huge waitlist). This is a big part of his depression which is pretty severe. He also occasionally struggles with anxiety. A few months ago he began using cannabis as a way to help him relax late at night, just in small amounts. Pretty quickly it became a coping method for all of the discomfort that comes along with his adhd and depression. Now he uses it every day, for most of the day. It costs hundreds and hundreds per month. He has tried to quit once before but didn't get past the first day. He's tried to quit again this week, on day 2 now and he's planning on getting more. He initially wanted to quit because of the money, but also acknowledged that it made him feel anxious a lot of the time, and made his motivation issues a lot worse. But when he's sober, he says that those things are better than the feelings he lives with from adhd and depression. He said that he'll stop when he can get medication for his adhd, but until then he thinks this is the only way he can get relief. Honestly, part of me thinks he might be right. When he's high, it's the most relaxed and present I've seen him in almost 3 years. I was actually relieved when he started using it for this reason, because he cannot relax or self-soothe. But I also know that he feels bad about using it because of the stigma, the money, and because he knows that it's not a coping method and he's become completely dependent on it. Hopefully he'll receive diagnosis and medication for his adhd by January at the latest... Should I just let him deal with his issues how he chooses to in the meantime? I'm joined up with some codependency support groups, & some people there have said that it's not my place or my responsibility or in my power to tell him what to do. And honestly, he doesn't do anything I suggest anyway - the only time he ever makes changes is when he decides to. So... Should I just be here for him, support him when he inevitably tries to quit and relapses over the next few months, and wait to see what happens with his potential diagnosis?

Terrified my husband is falling back into depression

replies: 2

I’m really terrified my husband is about to slip back into depression. I don’t know if I can cope with it again. It’s quiet a long story. My husband moved to Australia just over 10 years ago so we could marry. He never quiet settled in; he hasn’t been able to make any long term friends, didn’t want to commit to a University course while a PR (cost reasons) and has been in and out of dead end jobs the entire time. He’s from an extremely unsupportive family – and my family isn’t super welcoming either – so feels entirely alone except for me. He is also bisexual, and has struggled with the idea that we ‘got married too young’ and he’s supressed this side of himself. We recently tried a polygamous three-way relationship with another man, to help my husband explore this side of himself. I should never have agreed to it, as it’s not something I really wanted to do, but we’d been having some marital disagreements, I was waiting for endometrium surgery and couldn’t have sex, and he was slipping into depression even further. The guy we started seeing was nice enough, but I really wasn’t into it. My husband fell for him though. Hard. I let it go, because I hadn’t seen him this happy in years… but it didn’t last. My husband fell into depression even worse, after a time. Earlier this year, we broke it off, because the man we were seeing decided that he wanted to find a long-term partner, settle down, have kids, the works. This absolutely DEVESTATED my husband. However, the heartbreak actually broke him out of depression for the first time. After a month or so, he finally picked himself up, decided to go back to school and has been improving ever since. Then, yesterday, we were told he would be unenrolled from his University course because there had been a problem with his fees, and they hadn’t been paid on time. For this reason, they ‘legally’ couldn’t allow him to continue. Of course, we can’t actually talk to anyone about this because they’re learning from home at the moment (Melbourne lockdown…) and no-one is answering their phones to give us answers. My husband is absolutely shattered. He can’t believe that he might not be able to continue due to a clerical error, and is blaming himself for not being more proactive about it. He was sobbing in bed last night about being a failure; failing to keep a job, failing his relationship with the other man, failing me, and now failing this. He wanted so badly to do well to show me that he was worth it.

Parents and caregivers: How are you feeling about the social media restrictions for under 16s? replies: 3

Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience replies: 41

Giving space to someone with depression replies: 20

Alcoholic husband - how do I get through to him? replies: 7

Wanting advice for parenting adult child with mental illness replies: 13

Helping a partner with depression replies: 5

Supporting son with depression replies: 3

Struggling to support my depressed partner replies: 7

Confused on how to help my younger brother replies: 2

Helping a parent that won't get help replies: 11

Anybody else supporting a partner with an addiction? replies: 5

Terrified my husband is falling back into depression replies: 2