My 70 year old dad needs mental health support

[EzzyW]

Hey all, I need advice.... My Dad is currently experiencing (what I believe to be) severe depression and anxiety issues that are resulting in: significant weight loss, panic attacks, alcohol addiction and an unhealthy co-dependent relationship with my mum. It came to a head about 6 - 12 months ago after he was diagnosed with emphysema and lost his capacity to continue working in his physically demanding business. From the emphysema perspective, he has had many many CAT scans and various specialist appointments that have all resulted in: physically, while he does have some reduced lung capacity, he's fine.

My brothers and I have all tried (separately and together) to support him, talk to him, encourage him to speak to mental health specialists (which he did for a while and then decided it wasn't right for him) and we're trying to be there for him and mum in whatever capacity they need. Unfortunately for us there are a couple of issues that I think are obstructing us from helping dad get better: mum is from the school of "buck up and carry on" and doesn't have a strong appreciation for mental health issues, they live in a regional area without easy access to medical specialists and while dad is on anti-depressants he's also in the routine of drinking heavily every night from around 4pm. ie "knock off time" from when he was working. He also still smokes and getting him to quit is essentially a lost cause...

I feel like he's on this path of destruction where the only two outcomes will be tragedy, or full-time aged care. Given the two options, aged care seems like a great one, but for me it feels like that would be giving up his capability to live a longer, happier, independent life.

Ideally, I'd like him to be admitted into a mental health care facility for a month (or months) and deal with his addictions and his depression/anxiety, but I can't do that on his behalf and I'm a bit lost about what to do next.

Mental health support for older persons seems really difficult to get advice on, so I'm hoping anyone has some for me! I'm not even sure where to start in terms of getting specialist advice, so please let me know if there is anything at all you think would be helpful.

Thanks 🙂

[Croix]

Dear EzzyW~

Thank you for looking after your father, he's lucky to have such caring children, not all do. I'm a little older than your dad and maybe can see a little of he may be feeling.

With emphysema containing to smoke is not good - true, but the motivation to stop can be very hard to come by. I could never stop to for my own health, and only did so when another was suffering becuse of it. That plus the fact I felt life still had a lot in store for me.

Maybe your dad does not. At that age a lifetime of productive work stopped, not because he wanted to, but because of his physical condition, may well make him feel like a spare wheel, I know I would if my body let me down so I was forced to 'retire'.

Work and the income, responsibilities and satisfaction it gives me in addition to pride and identity are some of the major factors in wanting to live - not the only ones, but a fair bit.

At 70 there may not seem many years of life left, and the 'why bother' feelings can take over. Being at home all the time rather than just having come home from work is a different ball game at 4pm and can be hard to handle. Drink can at the start dull those feelings, though it quickly becomes a problem in itself.

One other matter of concern is the reaction of alcohol with his medication, which can have very unpredictable results, even sometimes making the meds not only lose their effect but do the opposite, increasing depression.

For an older person such as your dad and myself getting medical help, particularly for Mental Health issues, can be pretty tricky. Even if resources were plentiful finding the right person to confide in, who has enough life experience to relate to myself and earn my respect is a hard thing. As an example I'd hesitate to deal with a young person, simply becuse I'd assume they did not have the experience, particularly if my life had been doing practical things, not bookwork or academic.

I also survive becuse I have a purpose and things I feel need doing -things fortunately I can do. Plus of course family and love.

Do you think that if your dad had more responsibilities, perhaps a different line of work, even part time or voluntary, something he believed in, or gave him the respect , it might help him cut out the worst of drinking, relive some of the depression and let him allow a retry at medical help?

True it may not be easy to find, however something in a sporting club, RSL or service club like Lions might take his fancy.

Croix

[EzzyW]

Thank you so much Croix, I really appreciate your response!

Funnily enough Dad established the local Men’s Shed and still attends in person. I feel like he manages to compartmentalise his own feelings from those being experienced by the other members? Or maybe doesn’t take too much on from what they’re experiencing.

Giving him purpose really resonates with me, I think that would go a long way towards making him feel better about himself. How do I help him find something that would give him that? So much of what he’s going through is dependent on him making the effort but I think the cycle that he’s in makes it difficult to even take the first step. Do you have some ideas about what would have, or did, help you?

[Croix]

Dear EzzyW~

I of course can't give specific answers, I don't know your dad's skills or interests, however the basis for me was accomplishment, helping another, respect.

Perhaps someone asking for his specific help in an area he knows about, be it mortise and tenon joints, carburetors, doing the books or family life. Something where he is needed and feels comfortable rendering assistance. That could be a start.

Of course it is basically up to you to find someone that does in fact need the help, not necessarily an easy task

Any ideas?

Croix

[geoff]

Hello Ezzy, and welcome to the forums.

If all the results that have come back indicate that 'he does have some reduced lung capacity, he's fine', doesn't reflect that he has significant weight loss, panic attacks, alcohol addiction and an unhealthy co-dependent relationship with my mum', surely points out that he's not well at all, and I'm not a doctor to say, however, from experience with other people says that he is need of help.

Unfortunately, he has addictions to overcome, smoking and drinking, but for a 70 year man to learn how he can stop these is only his decision to make.

Can you or your brother go to the Men's Shed and ask around about what other activities these people do when not in the shed, such as a train exhibition to be involved in or a pigeon club, which may or may not be suitable for someone with emphysema or perhaps would he be interested in having a computer, he can play games or research something if that's what he would like, it's all about taking his mind away to another place he likes.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

[EzzyW]

Hey all, thanks so much for taking the time to respond. Dad is currently in hospital following another panic attack and low oxygen levels. They're planning to keep him in there for at least a week to give him a chance to recover, eat and have a break from cigarettes and alcohol. We're also working with a local Health Services Manager to get an ACAT assessment and additional hospital respite in the short-term. Dad's really happy to be in care for the time being and have a chance to break the cycle, so it feels more positive than it has in a long time.

Thanks again for the support, really appreciate it.