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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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Karen123 My partner is experiencing depression and is pushing me away
  • replies: 13

Hi,I’m new to this forum but I’ve seen some great responses and would love some advice. I have been with my partner for more than 5 years now and we have had a fantastic relationship, very happy and supportive and we’ve been through a lot together. W... View more

Hi,I’m new to this forum but I’ve seen some great responses and would love some advice. I have been with my partner for more than 5 years now and we have had a fantastic relationship, very happy and supportive and we’ve been through a lot together. We are so In love and have never had issues before. We have always talked about plans for our future together and get along so well. The last little while he has been slowly withdrawing from me but I didn’t really notice because it was so gradual, he was lacking effort towards seeing me and spending time together, however when we were together it was fine and he always told me he loved me. Recently we caught up and completely out of the blue he broke up with me saying that it’s him and not me and that I’m great and he loves me but he can’t be with me anymore because he “feels no emotion” and wants some space. He appeared a little scattered with his thoughts but he ended up talking about how he is depressed and his mental health is really bad. He lives at home with his mum, dad and siblings and I’ve spoken to them and they are supporting him and have encouraged him to seek professional help! This week has been terrible for me because we have spoken every day for the past 5 years and now have gone a week without talking. He has always supported my with my issues. However, I have never been in this situation before, I love him and he tells me he loves me so how can I support him and how do I begin the support because I’m not sure how to get back into his life. Any advice would be great, thank you so much!

Odd_Socks How to support my partner for 12 years with his depression and a baby due soon?
  • replies: 1

My partner of 12 years has been going through some extremely bad depression, We lost a little girl that I gave birth to at 6 months, she was so premature she didn't make it, he was amazing and was really there for me and very supportive, after 2-3 we... View more

My partner of 12 years has been going through some extremely bad depression, We lost a little girl that I gave birth to at 6 months, she was so premature she didn't make it, he was amazing and was really there for me and very supportive, after 2-3 week of him staying home with me he went back to work, he works away and is home for 4 days every 2 week for the last 4 years, I felt like it was to soon as I feel like he had not grieved yet but I know everyone deals with things in there own way, Unexpectedly 4 weeks later I fell pregnant again, we then bought a house, the plan was me to go on maternity leave and him to quit his job and move before the due date its closer to family, His work talked him out of it saying he can take a few mouth off then deside, this is when things got even harder 6 weeks ago he left to go back to work he said he need time for him self and that he could no longer tell me that he loves me as he has no emotion what so ever and that he feels empty inside, he had been pushing all of his friends away over time and now he is pushing me away too, 6 weeks past and all I knew was he started to see someone about his depression and had been put on medication over about 4 texts, He walked in the door I tried to just give him a hug with no words he just put his hand up as a no, he then said that he was only here for the day and he would be leaving after we have had a talk, he drove 7 hours just to have the conversation with me to then drive 7 hours back to work, He continued with telling me that he started on some medication that did not end well for him and he had tried to end his life, if it was not for the people he works with he would not be here right now, my heart just sunk, he said he is no longer on that medication and new just makes him sleepy, after a 3 hour conversation he told me that he needs to focus on him right now and that he has no idea what the future holds but he cant be with me and have me waiting for him as its just something thats going to destrct him, he plans to be back home 2 weeks before the due date and has a 2 months off work then, I guess I just don't know what to do is there hope that we may get back together? Do I text him or just leave it? I don't want him to think that I don't care but I also don't want to push him away more, I guess I'm just looking for people that can relate and there experiences, what worked for them and dose it get better with time or will it always be like this? Hope this makes sense

Doog Local Police Staion can be a great place to call in a threatened suicide crisis.
  • replies: 10

Hi everyone, I've been around for a few years now, mainly just coping and improving with much work on myself, but also with my emergency supply of my own private meds my Doctor approves as a go to in crisis. Two days ago I was confronted with a despe... View more

Hi everyone, I've been around for a few years now, mainly just coping and improving with much work on myself, but also with my emergency supply of my own private meds my Doctor approves as a go to in crisis. Two days ago I was confronted with a desperate call from my son who informed me his girlfriend wanted to end her life. For all the years of random counselling, and reading about mental illness, I suddenly found myself in a panic. I called Headspace, as she is just 18 and they directed me to Police. Having no confirmed location on the girl, I was unable to call 000. So I called my local Police Station. For those who are unaware, as I was, you can call your local Police for these emergencies. They were so helpful and stayed on the lin with me as we tried to get my son to coax her location. She was at work we found half hour later, and Police dispatched a unit to protect her. She was transferred to Ambulance and taken to hospital for further assessment. So if you guys find yourself in a panic over anyone, Local Police are amazing when you have no location to call triple zero. I certainly would never have thought to call them. Hope it helps someone.

IWOLFI My Girlfriend has depression but I need help!
  • replies: 10

Hi everyone, I’m looking for help, advice or guidance. Here’s my story: My 31 y.o. partner has depression & anxiety, and has been diagnosed for about 10 years now. We’ve been together for the last 3 years and she’s always had her ups and downs, but i... View more

Hi everyone, I’m looking for help, advice or guidance. Here’s my story: My 31 y.o. partner has depression & anxiety, and has been diagnosed for about 10 years now. We’ve been together for the last 3 years and she’s always had her ups and downs, but in the last 6 months it’s gotten really bad. She’s been on meds which have now been increased and has just started seeing a therapist so hopefully that helps her too. My problem it is really impacting our relationship. She is so absent all the time that I feel like I don’t have a partner at all, even though she is functional in the sense that she goes to work and is successful at what she does. We don’t talk as she can’t articulate her thoughts or what she’s experiencing, there’s no ability/desire to plan for the future, there no intimacy or affection anymore, she is exhausted whenever she’s not at work so even though we spend time together every night she’s not actually ‘with me’ (if that makes sense). I feel like I always have to be this perfect partner with all these expectations placed on me so I don’t make her feel bad or upset her or whatever, but I can’t have any expectations on her at all, she does things to hurt me when I’ve inadvertently done something wrong and sometimes even when I haven’t done anything at all, but is able to hold it together and treat everyone else fine, which hurts me a lot. I know that this is all the depression and not her, and that she loves me, but I’m at the point where I am thinking about ending the relationship because I am no longer happy in it. I haven’t stopped loving her & I don’t want to lose her but I feel like I already have and I just don’t think I have it in me to stay on this rollercoaster ride or that I have anymore to give. And that makes me feel like a crap person. When we first met, she was self harming but she stopped and hasn’t done that for almost 2.5 years. She has also previously had thoughts of suicide but never made an attempt. She told me she was actually preparing to make an attempt the day she met me but meeting me stopped her. I’m not sure if she’s having those thoughts now or not due to the lack of communication, but I’m terrified that if I left she might harm herself. I feel like I’m trapped and I’d really like to hear from anyone who has been through it or is still going through something similar. What do I do? Can I turn this around? If I stay am I just signing up for a lifetime of being unfulfilled in my relationship? Thanks

Country Mum 82 Supporting Anxious 6 year old
  • replies: 1

My 6 year old is quite anxious about a lot of things and it's starting to take its toll on me. It is my role as a mum to help her through it but I am feeling quite exhausted and feel like even though i am implementing everything I've been encouraged ... View more

My 6 year old is quite anxious about a lot of things and it's starting to take its toll on me. It is my role as a mum to help her through it but I am feeling quite exhausted and feel like even though i am implementing everything I've been encouraged to do, we are not making progress. Getting ready for activities (school, gymnastics etc) is a huge effort and takes us hours to get out the door. I broke down in tears this morning - i was trying to be so strong in front of her but just couldnt anymore, and then i felt awful for breaking down when i am trying to teach her to be strong! I am also torn between knowing if sometimes she is truly anxious about something or whether she is just telling me she is; she obviously gets lots of "attention" from me and cuddles/reassurance when she tells me of the things she is anxious about. I want to give her support and make her feel loved and nurtured and help her through it, but I am finding it hard to be strong. Would love to hear from anyone going through something similar

KG82 Here we go again
  • replies: 28

In September last year my partner (who has a history of mental illness) stopped talking to me out of the blue. After several long weeks of very minimal communication she started talking again, and she told me she’d been completely overwhelmed by star... View more

In September last year my partner (who has a history of mental illness) stopped talking to me out of the blue. After several long weeks of very minimal communication she started talking again, and she told me she’d been completely overwhelmed by starting a new job and she’d shut down. Things got better and we started communicating and spending time together again. We didn’t talk in depth about what had happened, but over the last few months have had conversations about her mental health which has been a huge step. Once again she’s stopped talking to me, but did send me a message to say I hadn’t done anything wrong. I was going ok, giving her space, until today. At the moment I am scared because I really have no idea what’s going on. Although I know that this isn’t about me, it’s still upsetting and I have my moments where I feel totally devastated. I’m going on with my life as best I can, and have support, but I’m limited in what I tell other people as many just think I should leave... something I don’t want to do.

Qwerty14 Supporting someone who is not acknowledging they have a problem
  • replies: 3

Hi, Been with partner for 30+ years 7 years ago (2014), husband had major problems with our 16 yr old daughter, resulting in her moving out, and a hellish time for all concerned. He was verbally abusive to her and at times quite physical. He has an a... View more

Hi, Been with partner for 30+ years 7 years ago (2014), husband had major problems with our 16 yr old daughter, resulting in her moving out, and a hellish time for all concerned. He was verbally abusive to her and at times quite physical. He has an aggressive tone of voice naturally, and uses it harshly, often. When she was about 8 yrs old, he completed a positive parenting course at my suggestion, as I felt he needed it as part of an anger management strategy. I cant now remember what prompted those thoughts, but he was obviously not in control of his temper, even back then (16 yrs ago). Since 2014, he has been increasingly depressed. He is inactive, does no exercise, does no chores, doesnt work on his hobbies or dreams. Totally lethargic. Has multiple issues with relationships, has lost most jobs he has had due to relationship issues. Currently, he is under investigation, and may lose his career, having already lost his job (he found another job, so is still working full time, but does nothing at all outside of work). The stress of this investigation is pushing him to the limit. It has been ongoing for some months, and has been hugely stressful for both of us. He treats me like he hates me. We cant discuss anything as he is always on a hair trigger, talks over me, raises his voice and/or storms off. He blames me for everything. I represent chores and bills and responsibility, and he hates me for it. I take care of everything in the household. I think it possible that he has BPD, but at the very least severe depression. He resists any treatment, and resents me suggesting it, says I gaslight him. I persuaded him to get a psychology referral, but he has to wait months for an appointment. And then what's the point, if he's not up for treatment, then it wont help. I have just been diagnosed with cancer. He decided he needed to go off camping. Left the house at 1am whilst I was on night shift, deleted facebook, and has not contacted me and let me know anything at all. I only know where he is as he has contacted my daughter. His behaviour is becoming increasingly erratic and alarming, just at the time when I need support. My anxiety levels are very high, I do not need this right now. I do not know what to do next. He doesnt value anything I say, as apparently I am out to get him. So many stories of crazy things he has said and done, I just want to cry.

Guest2632 Troubled Son *Trigger warning - self harm*
  • replies: 2

Hi.I feel lost,hurt and helpless as to what to do about my 20 year old son.He was living with us about a year ago.Everything seemed to be fine at home then he got very depressed and was saying he wants to commit suicide. Started harming himself,going... View more

Hi.I feel lost,hurt and helpless as to what to do about my 20 year old son.He was living with us about a year ago.Everything seemed to be fine at home then he got very depressed and was saying he wants to commit suicide. Started harming himself,going in and out of the mental hospital,abusing the staff there.Going out in public with weapons and harming himself Infront of people.A year before all this he was breaking into houses.He broke into his GreatGrandmothers house and stole his Uncle's car plus heaps of others I probably others i don't know about. I use to drink when he was young not every day but catching up with friends probably a couple of times a week.Ive apologized to him for any hurt and pain I've caused him in the past.He sent me a msg the other day saying he hated me ,if I ever try and contact him again he is going to murder me.He wishes I was dead etc.I haven't replied to him.I feel deep down afraid of him and feel he isn't mentally stable.He is obsessed with weapons and Carries them around.I just feel so upset ,hurt and worried.Thanks for reading.

Dan_H Advice for my gf *Trigger warning: suicidal thoughts and self harm*
  • replies: 2

Hi, first time poster here, let me start by saying thank you to all you beautiful people for helping where you can! It's so nice to see My gf (23) and I (25) have been together 5+ years and we have recently decided to buy a house together. In the pas... View more

Hi, first time poster here, let me start by saying thank you to all you beautiful people for helping where you can! It's so nice to see My gf (23) and I (25) have been together 5+ years and we have recently decided to buy a house together. In the past 5 years she has told me about her mental illnesses and her lack of control over them or even understanding. She would have panic attacks rarely, I only saw 1 and it was short. Nothing ever seemed out of control until recently, and now she won't get through a week without having a 'bad day' where she cant do anything, constantly on the verge of balling her eyes out, and unfortunately self harming. This is all made worse by alcohol, which she says helps, which it might short term but not in the long run. She is on anti-depressants, smokes weed regularly, however she eats relatively healthy. When she is having a bad day I can't even talk to her because she just cries the second I talk, which then turns into LOUD wailing and ramblings of suicidal thoughts, followed by hyperventilating and tensing up. It's very stressful for me, but I do my best to comfort her, nothing seems to help, she eventually will calm down after a few hours but doesn't recover for a day or 2. I can't barely get any information about it from her as talking about it sets her off. I know she had a traumatic childhood but she has talked about that fine, and has a good relationship with her mother. I suggest seeing a psychologist but she says it's a waste of money and refuses. She isn't realistic when she is like this and denies any help from professionals. She thinks it might be PTSD/BPD, I agree... but I just don't know what to do, if she won't accept help from me or anyone what are my options? Is it bad to tell her mother? I know she wouldn't want me to but I'm out of ideas. When she is having a good day she thinks she doesn't need to see a doctor and that everything is fine. Just needed to vent a bit I think, but ANY advice is greatly appreciated. I'm afraid one day I will come home and she will be dead, and I will wish I did more to help. Has anyone been in a similar position? Sorry for the long thread, I love this girl and I'm determined to see her happy!

LilyChicken Kicked stepson out - how to help him when he doesn't see there's a problem
  • replies: 2

My 21yo stepson has had depression and anger issues most of his life. He had counselling when he was younger but nothing since he turned 15. Hubby and I both have depression and are treated with medication, counselling and self-help. For the past yea... View more

My 21yo stepson has had depression and anger issues most of his life. He had counselling when he was younger but nothing since he turned 15. Hubby and I both have depression and are treated with medication, counselling and self-help. For the past year stepson has done very little around the house. He works nights so we don't ask much of him. Maybe 30min here and there. Each time we ask him to lift his game a bit he stops talking to us for 2weeks. His idea of reconciliation is to buy his dad some takeaway for lunch, but there's never any attempt to fix what caused him to stop talking to us in the first place. So over time I've stopped talking to him because every time I do he cracks it again and I'm too exhausted with my 4yo, hubby's depression, my own depression, being pregnant and having chronic fatigue syndrome. I have no energy left to help someone who refuses to help himself. We've tried numerous times to talk to him and see if he wants us to make a dr appointment for him but he keeps insisting nothing is wrong. But he then turns around and says we never listen to him which is frustrating because he doesn't talk. After an argument yesterday about him refusing to help his dad, hubby told him to pack his stuff and get out. He's now living in his car and blaming hubby for everything. We don't know what to do. We've said he can come back home on the condition he gets help because we can't keep living like this. He doesn't seem to see he has any problems. He's driven away a lot of his friends which to us is a red flag on his behaviour and attitude and it not just being us that sees there's a problem. what should we do? Im also conscious that I need to look after myself given I'm pregnant and have my own health and mental problems.