Supporting family and friends

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Parents and caregivers: How are you feeling about the social media restrictions for under 16s?

replies: 3

Hey everyone, It’s hard to miss the talk around the new social media restrictions for under 16s, set to roll out across Australia in early December. We’ve heard from some of the younger members of our community, and now we’d love to hear from parents and caregivers. For some, this change might feel like a welcome relief - a clearer way to manage social media use and protect young people. For others, there may be concerns about how it will affect access to online support, questions around how age verification will actually work, or frustration and powerlessness over a decision beyond our control. All of these feelings are valid. If you’re a parent or caregiver, or you have some young people in your life that will be affected by these restrictions, how are you feeling about this change? We’ve created this space for anyone caring for young people to share their thoughts, ask questions, and support each other through the uncertainty of the months ahead.Kind regardsSophie M

Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience

replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

by Carmela •

Blue Voices Member•

Posted in Supporting family and friends

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15-07-2016

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Helping a partner with depression

replies: 5

Hello lovely people, I am here to ask what strategies you have used in the past to convince a partner with depression to seek professional help? It has gone beyond anything I can say or do now and I feel incredibly helpless. They are absolutely adamant they will not go to therapy or see a GP due to the implications it may have with work if work ever finds out. However I am so past the point of caring about what work will think! Getting well and feeling better should be of priority. So at the moment I am struggling to get through to them that they need to consider their well-being first. I get daily messages asking for help while they are at work, telling me it’s too hard and they feel so down. I know that I am the only person they talk to about their mental health and have asked in the past to contact friends or family as well but this is just not an option in their mind. It’s just so overwhelming! And I feel as though it’s all on me to get the answers they need and do the work for them! Most suggestions I make are just ignored and we end up arguing about it. Some days I just can’t even be bothered to help, but I pull myself together and do but it really is getting beyond my help now! I am completely ready and willing to be supportive, but I cannot be in a place to ‘help and fix’ anymore. I’d really love some alternative ideas besides getting a GP diagnosis and then heading to a pysch or therapy - I just know it won’t go down well!! Anyway, thank you in advance. Enjoy your day

Supporting son with depression

replies: 3

My son has had anxiety since a child. I took him to a psychologist (against his wishes) when 12 years old and he soon learned that if he 'hid' his anxiety, everyone would leave him alone. Now he is 20 he also has depression. This was something he hid very well, until it became too much. Thankfully he went to a trusted friend and they supported him to see a GP. He has trialled a few anti-depressants but has admitted that he told the GP the current ones are fine so he didn't have to go back, even though things still are not that great. He doesn't want to get counselling. I have noticed changes to his behaviour that out of character (e.g. sitting at the local pub by himself and betting, sometimes drinking). While I do not think there is an immediate concern, I do feel he needs more intervention. It is painful to watch and I am left picking up the pieces after a depressive episode. The only time he wants to talk is when he has had a few too many drinks. Does anyone have advice on how to get them to see that more help is needed?

Struggling to support my depressed partner

replies: 7

Hi there all, I guess I am here for a bit of a vent and any possible advice. Ive been with my boyfriend/fiancè about 2 and a half years. We got engaged about 3 months ago, and I'm 5 months pregnant. He struggles with severe depression and anxiety, which has affected his ability to get and keep jobs due to just having anxiety attacks and not being able to show up on his first day, resulting in him barely working the last 2 years. He has previously sought help with a counsellor but she wasn't the right person and hes waiting to get into a psychiatrist to try some medication. I guess I just am feeling completely at a loss lately. He seems to be making progress.. make 3 steps forward then he loses it and falls back into depression mode and loses all his progress. This has all had a huge impact on our intimacy many times. Im a hugely sensitive person and I try to do everything I can to help. He moved away from his home to be with me 2.5 hours away and misses his family and friends alot.. but I have no idea how to help him. Over the past 2 years I have told him to move back home as he never seems happy here but now we have a baby on the way and I feel completely depleted. I read another thread here about a girl who loves her bf but didnt sign up for this.. I feel the same. I love him with all my heart but this is not the life I want.. to deal with a depressed anxious person, to carry the load 100% of the time, financially and emotionally. I don't want to be a single mum, I just want him to get better. I know its a slow road but im struggling with all the set backs. Does it get better? I'm feeling like I have no more options and I'm out of ideas as he seems set that hes "f'd in the head". Please help me..

Confused on how to help my younger brother

replies: 2

Hi there, It's been a while since I seek out this community. At the moment, I'm currently working to try and save up enough money to get proper medical help for my brother. However, I'm looking for advice on how to better support him until then. My brother is 18 years old and has a somewhat shaky relationship with my parents, especially my mother. He's been suffering from severe depression from the constant criticism and emotional abuse that my mother inflicted on him. During these times, I'd usually accompany him and try my best to give him the support that he needs. Whenever he needs reassurance, I'm always there for him. When he needs to let it out, I'll be the shoulder for him to cry on. However, I have to be honest that at times I genuinely can't always be there for him as I'm also going through my own mental and emotional hurdles. It hurts me during the times that I can't be there for him because I feel like I'm not doing enough. I try to encourage him to do some more mindful activities to ease his mind or remind him to find healthier coping mechanisms. But he'd brush me off and say that it wouldn't work or straight up just doesn't respond. I just don't know how else am I able to help him. I'm afraid that I might've come off as disingenuous in my concern for him or that I'm being too overbearing. I'm just confused how to find the right balance in being the support system that he needs right now.

Helping a parent that won't get help

replies: 11

Hi, I have been concerned about my mum recently. I've noticed her mood changing over the last few months and at first, I thought she was just whinging. Now I see that she is in a bit of a slump and it's getting worse. I understand she lost dad within the last few years, it has been a tough time for her, but it concerns me that even though my siblings and I suggest she gets the help she is reluctant to and keeps going into negatives again. Being her daughter I feel that she doesn't listen to my advice, even though I've had similar issues before. I'm not sure how to deal with it or help her, but I also need to manage my own mental health. I make sure I rest up when I need to and continue to exercise as I feel better from it. How can we help her? Any advice would be appreciated, thank you.

Anybody else supporting a partner with an addiction?

replies: 5

My partner has adhd, undiagnosed and unmedicated until we can get in to see someone (state of the country right now, huge waitlist). This is a big part of his depression which is pretty severe. He also occasionally struggles with anxiety. A few months ago he began using cannabis as a way to help him relax late at night, just in small amounts. Pretty quickly it became a coping method for all of the discomfort that comes along with his adhd and depression. Now he uses it every day, for most of the day. It costs hundreds and hundreds per month. He has tried to quit once before but didn't get past the first day. He's tried to quit again this week, on day 2 now and he's planning on getting more. He initially wanted to quit because of the money, but also acknowledged that it made him feel anxious a lot of the time, and made his motivation issues a lot worse. But when he's sober, he says that those things are better than the feelings he lives with from adhd and depression. He said that he'll stop when he can get medication for his adhd, but until then he thinks this is the only way he can get relief. Honestly, part of me thinks he might be right. When he's high, it's the most relaxed and present I've seen him in almost 3 years. I was actually relieved when he started using it for this reason, because he cannot relax or self-soothe. But I also know that he feels bad about using it because of the stigma, the money, and because he knows that it's not a coping method and he's become completely dependent on it. Hopefully he'll receive diagnosis and medication for his adhd by January at the latest... Should I just let him deal with his issues how he chooses to in the meantime? I'm joined up with some codependency support groups, & some people there have said that it's not my place or my responsibility or in my power to tell him what to do. And honestly, he doesn't do anything I suggest anyway - the only time he ever makes changes is when he decides to. So... Should I just be here for him, support him when he inevitably tries to quit and relapses over the next few months, and wait to see what happens with his potential diagnosis?

Terrified my husband is falling back into depression

replies: 2

I’m really terrified my husband is about to slip back into depression. I don’t know if I can cope with it again. It’s quiet a long story. My husband moved to Australia just over 10 years ago so we could marry. He never quiet settled in; he hasn’t been able to make any long term friends, didn’t want to commit to a University course while a PR (cost reasons) and has been in and out of dead end jobs the entire time. He’s from an extremely unsupportive family – and my family isn’t super welcoming either – so feels entirely alone except for me. He is also bisexual, and has struggled with the idea that we ‘got married too young’ and he’s supressed this side of himself. We recently tried a polygamous three-way relationship with another man, to help my husband explore this side of himself. I should never have agreed to it, as it’s not something I really wanted to do, but we’d been having some marital disagreements, I was waiting for endometrium surgery and couldn’t have sex, and he was slipping into depression even further. The guy we started seeing was nice enough, but I really wasn’t into it. My husband fell for him though. Hard. I let it go, because I hadn’t seen him this happy in years… but it didn’t last. My husband fell into depression even worse, after a time. Earlier this year, we broke it off, because the man we were seeing decided that he wanted to find a long-term partner, settle down, have kids, the works. This absolutely DEVESTATED my husband. However, the heartbreak actually broke him out of depression for the first time. After a month or so, he finally picked himself up, decided to go back to school and has been improving ever since. Then, yesterday, we were told he would be unenrolled from his University course because there had been a problem with his fees, and they hadn’t been paid on time. For this reason, they ‘legally’ couldn’t allow him to continue. Of course, we can’t actually talk to anyone about this because they’re learning from home at the moment (Melbourne lockdown…) and no-one is answering their phones to give us answers. My husband is absolutely shattered. He can’t believe that he might not be able to continue due to a clerical error, and is blaming himself for not being more proactive about it. He was sobbing in bed last night about being a failure; failing to keep a job, failing his relationship with the other man, failing me, and now failing this. He wanted so badly to do well to show me that he was worth it.

How do I help my son?

replies: 3

My son is 18 and split with his girlfriend about 2 months ago. He had been with her for 6 months - his first love - a very one sided relationship- he was obsessed she made little effort. He broke it off because of the constant pain it caused him. He’s been so sad, spending a lot of time sitting by himself in his car at a local car park listening to music. About a month ago the parents of the girlfriend messaged to say he had sent suicidal messages and a suicide letter. The messages said he had attempted to take his own life. We got him home and I spoke to beyond blue and the local suicide triage service. He refused their services. Over the last month on the surface he seemed to be recovering but he’s not. He’s restless, sad, cries, puts up a barrier saying he’s fine. He is alternating between visiting anyone and everyone and long spells driving around on his own. He is not following through on anything we try and involve him in - a car restoration, the gym, This weekend his friend rang me in tears after receiving messages from my son and believing he was suicidal. My son claims the friend misinterpreted the message. He refuses to see or talk to anyone. Says he can do it on his own and he just needs time. I feel there should be some progress in Two months .He does talk to a degree to me but I feel he filters everything and pretends it’s not as bad as it is. My life is falling to pieces. I can not cope with my constant inner turmoil. I’m so scared i can barely function. I don’t know how to help him. any advice on getting him to see someone or any advice on how to help him. I carnt just let him self combust.

My friend wanted me to create this thread so I could indirectly ask for advice for her 😊

replies: 3

Hi I'm new to all of this since I just made an account so I'm not sure if I'm doing this right lol. But me and my friend are in year 7 and since high school is pretty different from primary school we both started having similar meltdowns/breakdowns and we would feel emotionally numb and even had thoughts of hurting ourselves at times. I talked to my school counsellor about this and I'm doing a quite better. My friend is also a bit better but she's still having such meltdowns and breakdowns. She absolutely hates the idea of opening up to an adult or anybody else about this and wanted me to indirectly ask for any advice on BeyondBlue. She said she was feeling emotionally numb and sometimes cries for no reason. She feels more emotional over things and sometimes just doesn't care about anything at all. I would be so glad if anyone has any advice for my friend!

partner is feeling hopeless, no available bulk-billing psychs, Im feeling powerless

replies: 6

Feeling really quite worried and restless about my partner. He has always had depression and anxiety issues, but before covid his antidepressants and things like getting out of the house did a good job of managing it. Last year was awful, we were in lockdown most of it as we lived in Melbourne, and he was in bed most days. But at that time it was mostly anxiety, panic attacks, etc. This year his anxiety has become way more manageable, but his depression is at its worst its ever been. It's really really scary to see and sad to see. He isn't showering or brushing his teeth, he eats only once or twice a day and its whatevers easiest, and he spends a lot of days in bed. Occasionally he'll go out and about and do jobs (he does contract work deliveries whenever he wants to) which is fantastic and I wish more days were like that - but it's like maybe 1 out of 7, at most. He has no interest in activities, no motivation to do anything. It's awful to see. I often have to hold back tears when hugging him. Throughout the day I'll go into the bedroom and make conversation, ask if I can help, if he wants to talk, give him cuddles. I'm feeling so powerless, and can only imagine how powerless he must be feeling. I wouldn't wish it on anybody. I've posted about this on here before, and I often have people telling me what he should be doing, but unfortunately that doesn't really help me, and only makes me feel more powerless - because I've tried everything, he knows what everyday-things would help (exercise, sunshine, productivity) but he can't get motivated to do it, and I cannot force him to do those things. A few months ago he asked me to find him a psychologist - revolutionary, because before that and also now after that day, he frequently says therapy won't help him - but there are none available. I must have reached out to 20 in our state so far and they are either booked out or not bulk billing so we can't afford them. He has reached out to lifeline once, he told me, a week or so ago when he was having suicidal thoughts. I think it helped, and he told me he won't hurt himself, but that sometimes he thinks there's no hope. I don't know what to do. Today he told me he feels like he should be hospitalised because he doesn't feel like he should be out in the world fending for himself. I asked him if he wants to be, like in an inpatient psychiatric unit, and he didn't answer straight away. He said not really, but also doesnt feel well enough not to be. I don't know.

Parents and caregivers: How are you feeling about the social media restrictions for under 16s? replies: 3

Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience replies: 41

Helping a partner with depression replies: 5

Supporting son with depression replies: 3

Struggling to support my depressed partner replies: 7

Confused on how to help my younger brother replies: 2

Helping a parent that won't get help replies: 11

Anybody else supporting a partner with an addiction? replies: 5

Terrified my husband is falling back into depression replies: 2

How do I help my son? replies: 3

My friend wanted me to create this thread so I could indirectly ask for advice for her 😊 replies: 3

partner is feeling hopeless, no available bulk-billing psychs, Im feeling powerless replies: 6