Husband with a pornography addiction

[JaneA42]

Hello All,

I’m new to this forum but am hoping that some of you might have some advice to give.
Three years ago I found out that my husband had a pornography addiction ( began well before we met - probably decades old). I knew before this that he watched porn and that didn’t bother me, but it we not until I accidentally found over 2500 downloads of hard core porn that I realised there was a big problem. I was able to see the download dates and times and it was evident that the level of engagement was as not within reasonable limits. He was also using a tumbler account of a workmate to log on to sites with extremely explicit content.

When I first approached him about it he really didn’t think there was a problem and it wasn’t until I showed him the amount of time he was spending online engaging with porn that there was some type of recognition.
He rarely came to bed at the same time as me, stayed up until all hours of the morning and would actually be surfing porn on weekends while I was in the same area of the house. ( He still rarely comes to bed with me.)

Anyway he agreed to get counselling and this occurred for about 6 months before he had to go overseas for work. I think the usage reduced but he also got better at hiding it as well. Would use in-private windows (oh but would then forget to close them down!!).
However, whenever I did ask him about the usage he was quite up front about how it was going - but would never volunteer that formation. I know he did really try to limit the it the usage and is very remorseful for the hurt this has caused.
Anyway... fast forward about three years and the engagement is still occurring, probably not as much, but now I’m so tired of being patient and understanding.
We have very little intimacy because of all this has been so damaging - especially to my trust in him.
I don’t want to leave, we’ve been together for 13 years and there is a lot of good in the relationship. But I’m now getting to the point where I am scared that this will never be resolved and I’m going to have to engage with this over and over again (which I find quite personally damaging) . I’ve seen a psychologist about this but I’m not sure I have the energy to go back again.

I just want to withdraw but I know this is not helpful. I’m not sure how to gather the energy to continue to deal with this.
many advice would be much appreciated.

Thanks

[Sophie_M]

Hi JaneA42, 

It sounds like you are going through some difficult times with you husband and his addicition, we are really sorry to hear that. It is a great step to reach out to the forums for support and we want to thank you for being so brave. Addiciton can be very complex and challenging. 

There are some great resources across the BeyondBlue webesite as well as many interesting conversations here on the forums. We encourage you to stay connected to this community and join in where you feel comfortable. There are a few conversations below that you might be interested in - you are not alone in this.

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/relationship-and-family-issues/partner-using-pornography-nbsp-#qxkMQHHzvGGEbv8AAOnT_A

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/ptsd-trauma/husbands-porn-addiction#qns3wHHzvGGEbv8AAOnT_A

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/relationship-and-family-issues/how-to-talk-to-partner-about-porn-habits-negatively-impacting-relationship#qw5eB3HzvGGEbv8AAOnT_A

Thank you again for being brave and seeking support and please feel free to update us on how you are going if you feel comfortable doing so.

Kind regards, 

Sophie M

[geoff]

o Jane, and can we offer you a warm welcome to the site and it's very brave to be able to come to a forum asking for assistance, even though we don't know who you are or what you look like, and that benefits you.

It's certainly a lot of downloads and definitely put a wedge between your marriage and caused many problems in being able to trust him and always wonder what he's doing in his spare time when he's alone, I'm really sorry that this has happened.

There must be many thoughts circling your mind which may cause anger, betrayal and humiliation no knowing how to cope with this type of addiction and you can never be sure when he's watching it as may be hidden or he's able to watch it at a friend's house.

You may want to have counselling but he also has to, however, if I was in the same situation, my wife would be out the door as soon as possible, that wasn't the case, but she would not tolerate it at all.

A marriage is a union between two people and doing something like this destroys that connection, the communication and any intimacy between the two of you, making life very difficult.

I can't tell you what to do, only suggest that you decide to leave and I only mean this in all sincerity without wanting to upset you.

Take care.

Geoff.