Depression or Abuse?

[Amsmeq]

My husband and I have been married for 18 months and it’s the second marriage for both of us.

In April last year my husband lost his job and hasn’t worked (or tried very hard to find work) since.

Since that time he has shown every sign of a mental health illness ie weight gain, not getting out of bed, never happy, irritability, anger, aggression, negative talk, irrational, unreasonable, picking fights, we walk on eggshells etc etc.

I have continually asked him to speak to a professional and 9 months ago we started couples counselling - it was AWFUL.

He wasn’t open to ever hearing my side of conflicts and would blow up whenever the Psych asked more in-depth questions of him.

I also encouraged him to speak to someone individually - he attended 2 sessions and never returned.

Of late his anger, aggression and overreactions have gotten significantly worse where they are effecting mine and my kids mental health.

I know that his behaviour is not ok.

If i point that out to him, he says I’m not supportive or compassionate and that I’m a bad wife and he is done with the marriage.

He refuses to acknowledge his behaviour or seek further treatment ie GP, Medication, Psych appointments

How much of his behaviour is likely to be as a result of undiagnosed depression or is it time for my kids and I to move on?

[815]

Hi Amsmeq,

I'm sorry that I haven't responded earlier to your post as I wasn't sure how to respond.
It's so hard to know whether your partner's behaviour is depression or not, as I am not a professional in all of this.

I am simply a wife, doing my best to support my husband through depression. We went through some really difficult times before we got to where we are. And even now it is not easy and some days are harder than others.

But a lot of what you have written is similar to what we went through. I was told that I wasn't supportive, that he wanted to leave. Lots of anger also, negativity, all of the things you've mentioned. I begged my husband to seek help and was always met with resistance.

A lot of things have happened to get us to where we are. He eventually went to speak to his GP and has been diagnosed with depression. He is on medication, is speaking to a psychologist, I am seeing a psychologist and together we have been to a number of relationship counselling sessions. My children were also speaking to the school psychologist as all of this had a terrible impact on them too. All of this has helped.

But I think what helped initially was his own acceptance of what he was going through and him seeking that help him for himself. I've written this many times, but I don't think it is ever enough for us as carers to want them to get help. They need to want the help themselves first.

My husband did say in one of our counselling sessions that I should have taken the initiative and booked the appointment with his GP for him and taken him...Is this something your husband might be open to? If you were to make the appointment for him with a GP and take him with you?

Also, do you have support for yourself? Some trusted family or friends who you might be able to talk to? Or maybe even a chat with your GP as well, to talk about ways you may be able to encourage your husband to seek support too?

I hope you are taking care of yourself.

[Qwerty14]

Oh my goodness, I can so relate to what you are saying. I dont have the answers, just very similar problems. I hope you're ok x

[geoff]

Hello Amsmeq 815 and Qwerty14, I hope you are still checking if you have any replies because it's an unfortunate situation you're in.

Being in denial is a form of his inability to understand certain realities of your lives, in your relationship/marriage, so what may happen is he may believe that it serves as a purpose to try and make the family function, but instead, in some cases, it does the complete opposite and create a serious problem between able to communicate with each other.

I can't say what you should be doing, but perhaps I can suggest, unfortunately, when we meet another person with the prospect of becoming married, there is baggage that we all carry, not intentionally, but just by coincidence which we are not aware of, only because we find another person who loves and rescues us from our previous marriage.

We never find out until we live together when our true self is exposed, and in saying all of this, I would consider separating which may entice him to seek further counselling, you need to look after yourself and your children.

Best wishes.

Geoff.