Husband periodically but seriously depressed

[Netty15]

I am once again going through what I like to refer to as my husbands quarterly depression.

As that sentence suggests, this happens several times a year. We’ve been married for 12 years. In the beginning, this didn’t happen, or he was able to conceal it. It wasn’t until we were married for 3 or 4 years I started to notice it.

I now realise it is part of who he is.

The problem is, when he gets like this, he acts as though he despises me. He can hardly stand to look at me, he speaks to me spitefully, says really nasty things, and nothing I say or do can help him. He fixates on something that is wrong with life and I have little influence trying to convince him that he’s view is a little warped.

After 12 years, I know it will pass, eventually. But I can’t help feeling so so sad at being spoken to (sometimes in front of the kids) cruelly. And I have to admit to getting really fed up sometimes and lashing back. Like, I just feel deeply...sad.

our lives are very busy. We volunteer for a church group, he is a senior professional, I work 2 jobs, we have two kids, my mother lives with us, his father has terminal cancer, and we are renovating our house. But this is something that was happening long before our lives got quite so full.

He’s been working from home since March last year, he feels trapped.

I empathise fully with that but it’s not like this depression started because of covid.

I just hate the feeling that when he gets like this I’m an outsider. My opinion makes no difference. He honestly looks at me like he hates me. My encouragement doesn’t work. Most of all, I am a punching bag. Because he gets into this tunnel vision state where nobody really matters to him.

im looking for a way to both support him but also protect myself from the deep hurt that I experience at being turned away from in bed, not being even looked in the eye for weeks on end, and if I try and help, I am verbally spat at for trying.

I have my own anxiety issues that I am currently working hard to try and remediate.

When he is not depressed, he is a really great guy. He works really hard, he’s smart and funny, looks after our kids really well, and we have a good time together.

is there such a thing as seasonal depression?

[Here2Talk]

Hi Netty

There is Seasonal Affective Disorder, but that’s more (to simplify) like a depression that is tied to the same season each year.

I am sorry to hear what you are both going through, and how you feel so alone and shut out when your husband is depressed. You have a very stressful and busy life, and the your father in law being terminal is a terrible for your family.

How old are your children, and has your husband ever been to psychotherapy or a GP about depression?

[OhSoTired]

I come on here periodically, (although lately it has become a regular occurrence), to try to find someone who may be experiencing the same kind of situation/feelings as I am. I feel I am no good at articulating my thoughts and feelings, so reading what you wrote about how your husband treats you, hits so close to home for me.

My husband is an amazing man who treats me and our kids so, so well. He works hard. But when he fixates on something, (most often than not, it stems from his feelings of inadequacy), I become his verbal punching bag. I literally cannot say/do anything right, and when I call him on it, he tells me I am gaslighting him. I am simply at a loss of late. I do not know what to do.

Anyway, this post is not about me, however I guess I just want to let you know that although I really don't have any answers, I am here with you in understanding and hope and pray things improve for you soon!

All the best.

[smallwolf]

Hi Netty15 (and OhSoTired),

firstly, welcome to the forums.

Yes, a person can have something seasonally. It also goes by the name "Seasonal Affective Disorder". You can google that for more information. Not that I am saying your partner does or does not have this.

And it sounds you are taking positive steps in your own issues. I am sorry to hear your partner does not accept your efforts to help. I don't know how you talk to him, but one thing my psychologist told me to do in relation to talking with my wife is to use "I communication". This lets me talk about a problem from my perspective and helps to lower the defenses of the other person ... just a thought.

But there are also pages on the beyond blue web site about supporting someone and things you can do. After all, the behaviour of your partner can also have a negative effect on you. Let me know if you cannot find these and I can track them down.

The other thing to mention (to Netty) is the load on your plates as well - looking after kids, the reno, sick parents, etc., all of which can stressful by themselves. Not a justification either as communication can help here rather than the other not saying anything constructive

Does your partner get any sort of professional help?

Peace to you, Tim

[Netty15]

Our kids are 6 and 3. He’s very good with them and rarely if ever takes his feelings out on them.

For lonewolf also: He does not go to any kind of counseling. His words have always been very supportive of seeking professional psychological help, but he’s never taken the steps to actually engage with anyone. I have a feeling if I were to suggest it he would probably say something along the lines of “who even has time for that”.

anyway it’s good to feel like I’m not alone.

[Netty15]

You are most definitely not alone in this. I’m glad I could articulate a little bit about how you feel as well.

I feel as though it’s always up to me to keep everything and everyone going when the house feels so dark, while he just takes care of himself and goes to work. I am grateful he does work and that he earns really well etc, don’t get me wrong. The man is nothing if not a worker. But I just have to keep on keeping on with everything else while I get absolutely zero energy from him. I smile with the kids but feel so angry inside.

one saviour for me is that I have my mum here with me. While I often wish she was spared from all this shit, and also while sometimes she gets in my way when I wish I could be alone, she’s very supportive and knowing she’s here does help a lot. Do you have a parent or sibling you can lean on a bit?

[smallwolf]

firstly, I know this is your thread and I might be projecting a little of myself into your situation, yet I thought that if I ask you something about your husband it might also help you. So here goes...

I wanted to ask you about your husband's work? Is it stressful? It is something does not or does not want to talk about with you?

you said that he is a hard worker. A person can work til 5 and then stop work to home to family. Or a person can bring work home? Or a person might stay at work til work is done?

(I was/am (getting better) in dividing work and home life. At the end of each day I wanted my email inbox clear knowing that all tasks were done. Then it would be like ground hog's day. Tomorrow was the same as today. I would also deal with irritated customers as well. And I had no self-care tools. I was a workaholic - just like my dad.

as I write this ... I wonder what an ideal life would look like for him? And you?

And then... how you might get there from now.

Peace to you. Tim

[geoff]

Hello Netty and OhSoTired, I feel for both of you because it makes your situation very awkward when you don't know how he is going to be feeling, so you're on tender hooks making it very difficult to know how you're going to react because it's not that you've done anything wrong, it's an illness your husband is struggling with.

If he is in denial, believing that there's nothing wrong makes it even harder for him to accept that he needs to see his doctor/psychologist, but if he was to see this happening to a friend then he'd suggest to them to see a GP, but with him, he may refuse, making your situation tenuous.

If you click on this 'www.healthline.com › health › bipolar-disorder' there may be information that may help you and then your husband may also read, although I realise your workload is so busy and may be difficult to look at but it's something when you do have a free moment, and if you can print it off and leave on the coffee table, he may be encouraged to view it.

Ask him if he needs a checkup and most men won't agree with this because they say there's nothing wrong with them, but a simple blood test will tell the doctor what condition he's in and act appropriately.

Somehow you need to convince him to go to his doctor, perhaps take one of your children, as a suggestion, just for a regular checkup and notify the GP to ask him it's time he had one as well.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

[815]

Hi Netty15 and OhSoTired (and everyone else who has replied),

I'm also sorry to hear the situation you are both in. Geoff and Tim have provided some great responses.

I don't know much about seasonal depression so I can't comment much on that. However I am also a wife, who has had to deal with the hurt of trying to support a husband suffering through depression. I went through many months of being ignored, yelled at, sleeping alone...and seemingly being the only one who my husband pulled away from. He was able to continue on with work, remain a loving father to our children, and even keep up appearances with our family and friends. Meanwhile I was told behind closed doors that I wasn't supportive and that I would never understand his condition.

I can't stress enough how important it was for all of us to get the right support to help us through this. My husband eventually acknowledge that there was little left for him to do other than to seek professional help. This was something that I had asked him to do many times, and was told that he didn't need that sort of help. I still don't know what made him go and speak to his GP initially, but it was so important that he did. And even after he did, things still got much worse for a long time before there was some improvement.

I know that you have more than likely already encouraged your husbands to seek help, and have probably been met with resistance. I don't know what else to advise or suggest you do. Other than to make sure you are well supported, whether that by your GP or other professionals, and whatever family and friends you can confide in for personal support. And please know that, there are others out there who can empathise with your situation.

And please know that, there is hope, and there can be better days.

[Here2Talk]

Netty, do you have any theories on why it might come around approximately every three months. My kids are the same ages as yours - you've got your hands full just there. You've both also got a lot going on, with your father in law, church volunteering, kids, reno... I don't know much about your life or your financial situation, but I wonder if there is anything you can do to make your life a little less busy? (just throwing out ideas here) e.g., one or both of you work a little less. Being a senior professional must be a very demanding job. As is working two jobs.

You have listed some great qualities in your husband when he is not depressed (funny, great with the kids etc.), it sounds like you love him a lot - and that he loves you a lot too.

A very well established cognitive theory of depression (known as Beck's Cognitive Triad) is that of three types of negative thoughts: about the "self", the "world" and the "future". It must be terribly hard when your husband is lashing out at you or making you his "punching bag"; it's possible that he is perceiving himself, the world and the future as hopeless. I know this doesn't make it right, but keeping that in mind might be helpful in assisting you to cope - knowing he's not being a monster or anything.

Another thing related to professional help. I wonder if you could have a serious chat with him about seeking out an appointment with a GP; but really be the driving force behind booking that appointment, getting him there. I'm not suggesting you do this without his consent, but if you can get him to agree and be firm but kind in making this a priority for him. "Who has the time?" might not just mean 'who has the time' to him, but also 'there's no point' at the back of his mind, an example of the negative thoughts about the self and the future (I can't be helped, and the future will be bleak). This is just an idea, not a recommendation. From the GP, your husband could get a mental health care plan, and the GP may recommend an SSRI medication (pretty common firstline treatment for depression nowadays), as well as psychotherapy, which would likely include Cognitive Behavioural Therapy looked at re-evaluating cognitions such as the type I mentioned above.

Then there's you Netty. This isn't easy on you. You are important and deserve to have your mental health taken care of. You mentioned your anxiety problems. Is this something you have been seeing any professional about? Would you like to chat about it here?