I think my husband is depressed

[Louigi]

Just over a year ago we went back to fifo snd at the same time my mother in law passed away very unexpectedly. My husband struggled with this as expected. They weren’t hugely close but still I would find him crying quite often. Each weekend he came home it was like he would overreact to anything and yell. He has said when public speaking at work he shakes almost out of control and feels it’s anxiety. He is always tired. Drinking a lot more and gambling. I have just found he has become very close with a female colleague. Intimacy declined rapidly between us which is out of character for him. I found a text message from her that is not something a friend says, someone a little closer. He says nothing is going on but I think otherwise as rumours were suggested a few months ago. He began trying harder with me. But I still feel something is not right. He wants to do what he wants to do not think about me or our two kids. We have been together 20 years and had ups and downs like all relationships. But when I ask for him to show me his messages he flew off the handle and walked out. He won’t talk. He now says we need to seperate. I’ve suggested for over a year he needs to go speak with someone but he doesn’t. How do I help

[Sophie_M]

Hi Louigi,

Sorry to hear that you are going through such a difficult time with your husband. Dealing with grief can be very difficult and in particular a loss of a parent.  We understand that you wish to find supports for your husband, yet we would also like to ask you to include yourself in the support seeking process as you are going through a lot yourself.  

MensLine Australia is available for you to chat and see how you can support your husband. It is a free 24/7 telephone and online counselling service for men with emotional health and relationship concerns. You can contact them on 1300 78 99 78 or https://mensline.org.au/ 

We would recommend that you get in touch with an organisation called Relationships Australia on 1300 364 277. They provide relationship support services for individuals, families and communities and aim to support all people in Australia to achieve positive and respectful relationships.  

There's  Griefline - 1300 845 745. GriefLine provides counselling support services free of charge to individuals who are experiencing loss and grief.  

If you would like some help finding mental health support, we would recommend that you get in contact with the Beyond Blue Support Service. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport  One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals. 

Please continue to visit the forums. The community is here to support and you do not have to deal with this alone.  

 

[815]

Hi Louigi,

The one question that I think all partners of someone going through depression or something similar is, how do I help. And I've read many posts on this forum, and have written my own posts about telling my husband to go and speak to someone and get help.

I don't suffer from depression, and I am still learning everyday on how to go about supporting my husband. There are a few things that I thought to share.

I asked my husband many many times to get help. He refused. I think that in the end, it wasn't enough for me to want him to get help, he had to want it himself. And so when he did go on his own to do it, I was grateful that he was still able to take that responsibility for his health. For his part, I am so proud that he is doing everything possible to deal with all of this.

After some time, I realised that there was some expectation on me to be more than just a person to tell or suggest he go get help. He expected that I should do it for him. Book an appointment with his GP and take him, research on depression so I knew how to support him, pause my life a little to be there for him. All of these things I have taken on board. This is as much a learning thing for me, as it is for him.

I think it is important to realise also that we can't fix them. No matter how hard we try. They need the proper medical and professional support. What we can provide, is personal support, in whatever way they will allow us. But in order to do this, and it took me along time to realise this, is that as a 'carer' we need our own support.

My husband did eventually get help. He sees his GP regularly, he is finally on medication that seems to be working for him (it took a few different ones), he is seeing a psychologist, I'm seeing a psychologist, together we are seeing a relationship counsellor, and together we take it a day at a time.

Would you be able to book an appointment together with your husband to see your GP as a starting point? Or perhaps even going to talk to your GP on your own initially? I found talking to my GP on my own initially was quite helpful.

[smallwolf]

Hi and welcome.

I could give you my own thoughts but think that 815 did a wonderful job already.

The only other thing is there are also pages on the beyond blue website about

Supporting a partner with depression

Put that into Google search and you should be able to find the page. Hopefully.

Most important is to look after yourself.

Peace to you.

[geoff]

Hello Louigi, and join the others offering you a warm welcome.

I'm sorry about the loss of his mother, and even though they might not have been that close, this was all he needed by the way he was feeling to cause him to begin to cry.

If someone isn't feeling 100% then all it takes is for something awful to happen to eventually be why he's crying and if he believes it's anxiety could be the cause, not that I'm a doctor.

Separating may or may not help, if you do then this may provide more chance for him to see who he is talking with, and although I can't say what you should be doing, I can suggest that this is a decision you need to consider whether or not will then happen, especially with paying for the house as well as everything else.

There is also the opportunity that his drinking and gambling will increase and won't even think about consulting with his doctor and/or psychologist.

One thing that would be good to know is whether his work is the main cause or whether the marriage has created it, that will not be easy to actually find out, because you don't know how much is hidden away.

We hope to hear back from you.

Geoff.