Supporting a freind with depression what are the signs to step back and maybe loose a great friends

[SlightlyNormal_Guy]

I have known this female friend for about 4 years as we worked on the same FIFO site together, doing recreational sports, studying, eating meals etc and over that time we developed quite a close sibling type of friendship. Over those years I listened and supported her dealing with her daughter who was self harming, and a partner who did not believe in her daughters depression and the myriad of other issues in her life. When time came to finish up the job and go home we caught up for a few beers but then over the last few months she drifted away and fell into a very bad depression. When I do get to speak to her she is like a different person. Heavily guarded with her emotional walls up and if our conversations start getting personal she shuts them down and of late has been pushing me away. I do understand her partner is not fond of her having male friends but I myself am happily married and all our work friends support each other when it comes to mental health issues related to FIFO work. As a good friend Im not sure if I should continue sending her positive messages and continuing to be there for her or just stand back and give her the space she wants until she has dealt with it and decides to calls me.

[Croix]

Dear SlightlyNormal Guy~

Welcom to the Forum. I hope here you can benefit from other perspectives on this problem which does have a number of things to consider. While I can well understand your very natural desire to continue to help this person circumstances have changed and there now may be some fresh things to consider.

Firstly it is pretty well understood that many work relationship tend to dwindle after the job ends. This I guess is because when people are put together in a situation the relationship develops on that basis. Seeing someone on an everyday basis as work demands is different from seeing them voluntarily outside.

Secondly this person may be in a difficult situation if her partner does not want contact to continue, under such circumstances just the fact of contact may do more harm than all the support it could provide, even such things as email or text messages of support.

Thirdly if this person is faced with a more attractive and understanding person outside her own partnership, and especially if this person is already attached, then she may feel it would be wise to dis-continue the contact as she might develop a romantic interest.

Lastly of course this person may simply not want things to go on as before and is showing signs to that effect.

The fact that she may have a difficult home life and also mental health issues is not really relevant. As an adult human being she decides what she does, including any necessary treatment and who she is in contact with.

While it may not make you feel the best I'd strongly suggest you simply simply once, unless you have already done so, tell her you will be there in future should she wish and leave it at that.

Feel free to talk here as much as you'd wish, it is a difficult situation

Croix

[geoff]

hello SlightlyNormal Guy, thanks for your post and the points that Croix has made are good.
I'm sure you where a great help for her, but if she has mentioned any of this to her partner especially if he doesn't believe in depression, then he may have put pressure on her to stop talking with you, only because he maybe suspecting something else maybe going on, contrary to what you have told us, as you're happily married and only want to help her, and don't forget the partner maybe harassing her everytime he speaks with her.
This isn't good on two sides, you who only want to help her, and her as she may now feel isolated and have no one else to talk with, which will just make her feel worse and may not know what to do.
I am certain she would like to continue talking with you, but in the background scared of what her partner will do if he finds out, but frightened for her daughter and what could be happening while she's at work.
You could suggest that she take some time off work to concentrate on these issues, however if she is the breadwinner here that's not what he would want.
Please let us know about these circumstances, because this is rather a serious issue. Geoff.

[SlightlyNormal_Guy]

Thanks for the response and yes the insight did give me more to think about. On a good note she did contact me and explained what has been going on and yes things have changed a fair bit. I did pass on that I would be there if she ever needed to talk which was warmly received, and as you say left it at that. Thank you for the advice

[Croix]

Dear SNG~

I think you must be handling things pretty well.

I have the feeling that for many people there is an extra sense of security knowing there is someone there if they ever needed. I would think this applies whether they ever do take up that help or not.

Croix