Supporting a bipolar partner who is not the father of my spirited daughter

[sapare]

Every day is a battle working between the two of them. I am due to have another baby in a few weeks, and find it very difficult to do much without some physical or practical support. Partner is struggling with insomnia and only getting 2-3 hours of solid sleep in the night; his bipolar means there's no telling how he's going to feel one day to the next. Daughter is highly spirited; there is a lot of ugly tension with her father and the other family, and there is no communication surrounding her behaviour and how we can facilitate it. Of course, the usual issue of "is this normal toddler behaviour?" keeps arising; partner is convinced that she has intense behavioural issues due to her father and her father's family having ASD. Feeling ravaged. Can anyone provide suggestions?

[Quiettall]

Hi Sapare

After reading your post, my reaction was to try and isolate each issue and deal with them as seperately as possible. It is impossible for you to juggle the spirited daughter, the bipolar partner and your own pregnancy all at once without coming unstuck. Is it possible for your daughter to be minded even for a few hours a day or for a couple of days with a close friend or relative, so you can reduce the stress and work closer with the partner on his issues and your response to them? If not, maybe take yourself out of the equation and stay with someone who can care and support you for the last few weeks of your pregnancy?

MAybe these are impractical suggestions, but I know when I am juggling 3-4 or more issues at once, the only way I can see clear is to try to break them down and deal with them in some form of logical way to ease the pressure.

There are others here I am sure who can offer additional support and advice so keep posting

[Croix]

Dear sapare~
I can understand the enormous pressures you are under, and the uncertainty, anxiety and frustration you feel, together with all comes with your advanced pregnancy.

As you can already see from Quietall’s reply, posting here can be a pretty good step into a place where people have similar experiences and want to help.

Frankly I’m concerned about you. There’s a sign on the overhead lockers in passenger aircraft, it says:

Put oxygen mask on self before others

It’s pointing out that you have to be fit to do anything, including helping or looking after anyone else. And you have heaps to cope with in just having a baby.

While there is a very strong temptation to keep trying to shoulder all the burdens of husband, daughter, the tension with her father and also your husband’s attitude to your daughter I think it a bad risk.

I really believe that if at all possible you should try to adopt one of Queitall’s suggestions – no matter how inconvenient or expensive, and no matter how bad it makes you feel.

Can you stay yourself with a friend or relative while you have your baby? If not is there any possibility someone can look after your daughter for a while?

Even your husband stepping out for a few days might be helpful - I don't know.

Although neither of these decisions is easy, and the arrangements are difficult, it has to be better than you falling ill at this time.

As you know your own situation better than anyone you may be able to come up with some other solution that removes this hotbed of tension for a while.

May I suggest you seek outside support. For a start you can contact our Help Line on 1300 22 4636 and speak 24/7 to our competent and friendly professionals.

Perhaps your GP can be approached as well. Anglicare may be able to help too. (I think this has regional phone numbers).

Please feel free to post as often as you like and don’t be reluctant to ring

My best wishes

Croix

[sapare]

The situation has gotten worse. I didn't mention above that we are involved in legal proceedings with my daughter's father and his parents. We're looking at complete bankruptcy and debt if we continue, except continuing is the best possible option to ensure DD's safety. There's a lot of ugliness and complexity surrounding this, and I'm not looking for legal help - suffice to say, most of the options available have roadblocks or lead to a dead end; there's the possibility that my fiance and I will have to separate in order to arrive at the best outcome.

I'm about to give birth to our second daughter, I can feel it. Fiance's nanna passed away and we were planning to go to Melbourne for the funeral - this is probably one of the only times I will get to meet fiance's family as they probably won't come to Brisbane for the wedding. I've been working on some really important routines surrounding looking after DD without expending too much energy, but I'm her first point of call as fiance is absolutely breaking down, needing to sedate himself with 2-3 times the daily prescribed dosage of medication in order to calm down; I've gathered a support group of women who can help me clean, prepare house for baby, have precooked meals ready...

There's so much. There's too much. Somehow I will make it through this and with my family intact, but I'm well aware how badly I was coping a couple of days ago.

[Croix]

Dear Sapare~
I really think you are expecting too much of self - and frankly are coping much better than I could imagine under the circumstances

As Quiettall said it is impossible to juggle all that. Your world needs to come down to having your baby, both you and the new life have to be the only sensible priority now.

While you haven't been able to get yourself out of the home the idea of getting others in to help is pretty good. Can someone stay with you?

I presume this is not a home-birth and you will be in hospital. If you can, why not mention the home situation to your doctor and see if you can remain there as long as possible?

Wishing you positive thoughts, please let us know what's happening when you can.

Croix