Supporting family and friends

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Parents and caregivers: How are you feeling about the social media restrictions for under 16s?

replies: 3

Hey everyone, It’s hard to miss the talk around the new social media restrictions for under 16s, set to roll out across Australia in early December. We’ve heard from some of the younger members of our community, and now we’d love to hear from parents and caregivers. For some, this change might feel like a welcome relief - a clearer way to manage social media use and protect young people. For others, there may be concerns about how it will affect access to online support, questions around how age verification will actually work, or frustration and powerlessness over a decision beyond our control. All of these feelings are valid. If you’re a parent or caregiver, or you have some young people in your life that will be affected by these restrictions, how are you feeling about this change? We’ve created this space for anyone caring for young people to share their thoughts, ask questions, and support each other through the uncertainty of the months ahead.Kind regardsSophie M

Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience

replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

by Carmela •

Blue Voices Member•

Posted in Supporting family and friends

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15-07-2016

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Husband with NPD

replies: 18

After over 36 of marriage I know I have hit yet another wall in my struggle to cope with a husband with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I after building defences against 'eggshell walking'. I did think I had clambered out of this hole only to find that the next hole is deeper.I hear you ask, why do you not leave him? Several reasons:1) he threatens to kill or harm himself and the fault would be all mine. I would never seen my grandchildren again. They would hate me. Is this emotional blackmail for real? Yes. 2) I had (over the years without realizing it) become dependent on this man in an emotional dance where he holds all the strings = Stockholm Syndrome/dependency. He was diagnosed in 1999-2000 but I was assured (& in my love and empathy for him) that these 'types' get better with age. No they do not. Forever to my shame - & not that he would ever get help himself because everyone is wrong and he is right ~ I thought that love and reason who 'cure' him. It did not. What a fool I am.3) His need for attention is very deep. Whilst I was undergoing brain tumour surgery in 2009, he would ring one of the many female stand-bys he has if I cannot give him the attention he craves/needs. He chooses days like anniversaries etc to have psychotic rages where he destroys my things (never his) so that I do not receive any attention from anyone else. The next day, in his mind what he did does not exist - never happened. 'Its in the past'. Its all my own fault.When my father died suddenly too young & my grief was deep his need for my full attention to be solely on him had him end up in hospital after an attempt to cause harm to himself but again it's just another attempt to be in spotlight. I had to hide my grief. The Dr at this very good Psych. Hospital observed him, spoke to him and then spoke to me and advised I seek Psych help for him with the NPD diagnosis.He never did.Anyway, even typing this means that someone 'out-there' is reading and knows and this enables me to continue. I have noticed though, that I am MUCH stronger (psychologically) these days and this fact concerns him which is puzzling to me. I show this strength now when he threatens violence/rages.Another facet of this disorder is that he never ever wants bad news because 'something' has gone out of his control ie: like a flat tyre etc. Control over everything is essential to him. If there are any other spouses/family members out there that have to cope like this, any words of wisdom? beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636

Help! New relationship and he's pushed me away. Need advice.

replies: 6

Hi, I have been dating a man for 5 months. We both come from previous broken relationships and have our own 'baggage' but he has told me that he suffers from depression and he always gets worse around christmas time. Our relationship has been going at a steady pace for the last few months as we are both cautious but a couple of days ago he played the 'i just want to be friends' card. Obviously I respect his decision, however, I'm having real trouble accepting it because this has happened before and it boiled down to his insecurities, him thinking he doesn't deserve me, he doesn't want to be a burden on me, and he's told me that his feelings toward me scare him and it's easier to pull away than to trust someone with his heart. In the past we have worked through his (and my own) insecurities as we have amazing communication but this time it feels different. He's stopped calling/texting as often and has said that he just needs some space as he wants to be the right person. I've never pushed anything onto him and I feel that i'm very understanding and supportive of everything he asks, however, this is starting to cause me some anxiety and I really find myself lost with what to do. I've told him that I want more than just friends but I am happy with his decision for now as I don't want to put unnecessary stress on him over this christmas period. But how do I cope? I want to be able to spend time with him as this will be my first christmas period without my own kids (due to separation) so hoped that I could spend time with the man i care about. I feel selfish that I want that and know that if i tell him then it will cause more stress on him. I care for him a great deal and don't want to walk away and I honestly believe that he feels the same way and is just doing this as a defence. How do I support him during this time without suffocating him and pushing him further away? If I give him everything he wants, am I enabling his behaviour (not depression) to some extent? Is it ok to tell him that it's BS that he thinks he isn't good enough for me? How do I convince him otherwise? A couple of close friends have said to walk away but I really don't want to do that as I can see a future with this man. I'm also not the type of person who turns their back on loved ones when things get a little rough. Any insight would really be amazing! Thanks all. x

Supporting a bipolar partner who is not the father of my spirited daughter

replies: 4

Every day is a battle working between the two of them. I am due to have another baby in a few weeks, and find it very difficult to do much without some physical or practical support. Partner is struggling with insomnia and only getting 2-3 hours of solid sleep in the night; his bipolar means there's no telling how he's going to feel one day to the next. Daughter is highly spirited; there is a lot of ugly tension with her father and the other family, and there is no communication surrounding her behaviour and how we can facilitate it. Of course, the usual issue of "is this normal toddler behaviour?" keeps arising; partner is convinced that she has intense behavioural issues due to her father and her father's family having ASD. Feeling ravaged. Can anyone provide suggestions?

Sibling of Bipolar

replies: 4

Hi I was wondering if any other families are out there that struggle with a sibling/daughter who has bipolar. Ever since I was five (she is 12 years older than me) I've had to deal with her struggles and what happens to a person with bipolar. She was my best friend. There were always appointments and episodes because she had severe reactions to the meds, either too strong or didn't suit her body. Constant visits to psychiatrists and Drs, and alot of hospitals visits from various reactions. We've tried for many years to be supportive and adapt to her needs. Once she got married we still carried on being supportive, We've always had a mindset that if you have asthma, you treat it, if it is diabetes you treat it and same goes with mental illnesses you treat it. But once she got married her husband and herself decided to go off meds cold turkey, I get that she wanted to be a mum, but did she have to go about it this way. However, my sister has been causing a whole lot of trouble between out family it is heartbreaking. It has been going on for coming up 18 years. She has lied, has said that my family has done things to her which aren't true (there's five of us) she has manipulated and divided the family (fortunately not between my parents and other 3 siblings and I, if anything we have bonded more than ever) My mum and dad are devastated. Mum's family are spreading rumours about what they've have supposedly done. Mum has challenged them and said if you think we have done something call the police. How can I help them deal with this. i love my parents with all my heart, they are such wonderful, kind and caring people, and they are getting older (72). They should be enjoying their last part of their lives not dealing with this rubbish and having their heartbroken I'm one of their support person's and I'm finding it hard to deal with. We're not sure who to turn to as we're fast losing trust in everyone. I have no respect for my aunts, uncles and cousins any more. Where I once looked up to them. I've started to become anxious myself where I do not like going out anymore in case I bump into these people and cause a scene of sorts. I'm worried I'll pass on this to my 2 beautiful children. We're at our wits end. Can you please help?!!! Any suggestions would be lovely. Cheers

Advice for supporting partner with depression

replies: 3

Im the 8 yrs ive been with my partner he's had some ups and downs but he is nearly at Rock bottom now now and we have a 4 m/o daughter. After she was born I convinced him to go to the doctors for some help because I believed he is depressed. Looking back He was generally happy go lucky, life of the party, spent most of his time drinking with mates and also working with them. He sadly lost his mum 4 yrs ago and 6 months ago had a falling out with his brother over the will to the point where they have now not spoken since then and they havent met our bubs which makes him feel like he doesn't have any family left-just us. I am a very family oriented person and we do our best to make him feel included. I guess I'm just struggling to support him and a baby now and I hate this but my priority is her and my patience is as high.He sleeps for days at a time, breaks phones, punches doors, doesn't go to work (lost his latest job which was 7.5 hrs a week) won't do anything around the house unless he is feeling good etc. He got prescribed AD 2.5 months ago but stopped taking them as he didn't think he needed his "chill pills". He didn't go to the psych appt the GP made for him. I leave the house with bubs bc I don't want to watch him sleep and end up resenting him but he sees it as us abandoning him like everyone else has and "why don't we leave and take half his stuff". I go back to work in 3 wks and bubs will go into child care because what he doesn't realise is i cant just not go to work because he doesn't feel like getting up. It has put a huge strain on our relationship to the point where we are arguing lots and i spend a lot of time away from our house. He admitted last night after hours of crying that he is depressed, he doesn't care about himself-so why would he care about me, he doesn't want to see his friends (which i keep trying to encourage) because they have nothing in common, he doesn't like working, doesn't feel happy, just wants to sleep, has no family and most of all-just wants his mum. It's breaks my heart that I can't help him and he doesn't feel he is ready to get help because he doesn't want to talk to someone as that makes it worse. He self Medicates with alcohol and weed and can't see that that is heightening his emotions. Rrally sorry for the long post but at my wits end and don't know what to do to help. I want my daughter to have-meet the happy go lucky guy I fell in love with. He says hes gone but surely he is still there somewhere...?

Mother of a teenager with anxiety

replies: 8

My 15 year old daughter suffers with anxiety, but usually this is triggered by specific events and is reasonably manageable. 2 days ago she started shallow breathing and saying she felt like she was panicking but didn't know why. This continued throughout yesterday - we wondered whether it was a kind of asthma (my husband and other members of his family are asthmatic) and tried ventolin to no avail. The shallow breathing continued into the night and has only stopped when she (finally) fell asleep. Going to bed was an ordeal, with her becoming very agitated and saying she couldn't get comfortable and thrashing about. She calmed down at the suggestion of sleeping on a mattress on the floor in our bedroom, but continued to shallow breath once there until she fell asleep. There was no apparent trigger for the panic attack - it followed a relaxed family outing that we'd had and which she really enjoyed. Not sure what to do or what advice people can provide. The experience last night was quite distressing. She's already on anxiety medication to control headaches and assist with sleep- don't want her over medicated.

Support Group in Adelaide

replies: 1

Is there a support group in Adelaide for victims of abuse from family members who have Mental Health issues?

Staying on top, while caring for others

replies: 6

Hi all, I'm new here. I would like to ask is there anyone here that may care for a child or adult with challenging needs. While I try to look after myself ( depression, general anxiety etc) I also have a 14 yr old son that has Autism. Sometimes I find I don't have enough fuel in my tank to keep going, of course, I do whatever that may look like from day to day. However, I feel at times I just get through one day to face the other.

My head hurts and my heart aches

replies: 6

I noticed six more new people online who are considering self harm and/or are very depressed. Each one I read through their stories. And with each story I read, I feel more and more sad that these people are finding life so tuff and having seemingly no-one to speak with. I click on the reply button, but cannot seem to get past the stock-standard: "welcome to BB and thanks for posting." I am staring at a blank screen with no useful thoughts or words coming to mind, it is as if my brain is empty. Maybe it is not knowing if the others I tried to help were actually helped. I find that I am feeling overwhelmed with self doubt as to whether there is any help in what I write. Perhaps there is just too much pain online today, this week, this season. I don't know. I just know that my head hurts, my heart feels deadened by their cries for help, and I sit here unable to help. This feeling of helplessness reminds me of the darkness of despair; helplessness frightens me; being helpless is akin to being worthless. How am I to guide anyone to the light, if I myself have lost sight of the light? Misplaced.

Partner self medicates

replies: 3

I have been with my boyfriend for 7-8 years. Around 3 years ago, he was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. He has been on anti-depressants since then. However, he struggles with seeking help from a psychologist as doesn't find it helpful. This year we have been on and off due to problems with always arguing over things in particular issues that related to the depression/anxiety, and hypersexuality. He has gone back to 2 psychologist appointments the last month or two, and have suggested that he is bipolar and to take the necessary steps to be diagnosed officially including going back to GP to address medication, and referring to the Black Dog institute. The problems have been that although he has gone back to the psychologist and back to the GP, he has admitted to lying to them about some of the problems. He drinks excessively, and about 5-6 days a week, he will drink at least half a bottle of spirits, or more than 6 beers (+ the spirits), or bottles of wine. On weekends, this amount will increase substantially. He uses the excuse that he isn't drunk because his body can now tolerate such large amounts. He has also increased his smoking again, and relies on it substantially when he drinks, but when he needs to get through stressful times. Recently, i have found that he is taking his painkillers again. He does not have any pain, but has said he just uses them to make him feel relaxed, and cope with things as it relaxes/numbs him. He has nearly gone through a whole packet (40) in a week, as well as drinking every night. From this poor life style choices and a side effect from some of the medication, he has gained over 20-30kg in the last 1-2 years, and has said that this affects him negatively as well, and hates being like this. I want to support him so much, and i offer to go with him to all the necessary doctor appointments if I can. I just don't know what to do when he doesn't see the self medication as a problem and "not a big deal, it's not that bad". I am happy that he has gone back to the psychologist (from numerous conversations we have had) and GP, but the lying to them about what he does, or his actions outside, or how he really feels makes it feel very limited to the success. I understand that all I can do is be supportive, and talk to him about things, but I would love some advice if anyone has gone through something similar, and what is something helpful i should do, or even what i shouldn't do to help.

Parents and caregivers: How are you feeling about the social media restrictions for under 16s? replies: 3

Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience replies: 41

Husband with NPD replies: 18

Help! New relationship and he's pushed me away. Need advice. replies: 6

Supporting a bipolar partner who is not the father of my spirited daughter replies: 4

Sibling of Bipolar replies: 4

Advice for supporting partner with depression replies: 3

Mother of a teenager with anxiety replies: 8

Support Group in Adelaide replies: 1

Staying on top, while caring for others replies: 6

My head hurts and my heart aches replies: 6

Partner self medicates replies: 3