Help! New relationship and he's pushed me away. Need advice.

RJ25 · ‎19-12-2016

Hi,

I have been dating a man for 5 months. We both come from previous broken relationships and have our own 'baggage' but he has told me that he suffers from depression and he always gets worse around christmas time. Our relationship has been going at a steady pace for the last few months as we are both cautious but a couple of days ago he played the 'i just want to be friends' card. Obviously I respect his decision, however, I'm having real trouble accepting it because this has happened before and it boiled down to his insecurities, him thinking he doesn't deserve me, he doesn't want to be a burden on me, and he's told me that his feelings toward me scare him and it's easier to pull away than to trust someone with his heart. In the past we have worked through his (and my own) insecurities as we have amazing communication but this time it feels different. He's stopped calling/texting as often and has said that he just needs some space as he wants to be the right person. I've never pushed anything onto him and I feel that i'm very understanding and supportive of everything he asks, however, this is starting to cause me some anxiety and I really find myself lost with what to do. I've told him that I want more than just friends but I am happy with his decision for now as I don't want to put unnecessary stress on him over this christmas period. But how do I cope? I want to be able to spend time with him as this will be my first christmas period without my own kids (due to separation) so hoped that I could spend time with the man i care about. I feel selfish that I want that and know that if i tell him then it will cause more stress on him. I care for him a great deal and don't want to walk away and I honestly believe that he feels the same way and is just doing this as a defence.

How do I support him during this time without suffocating him and pushing him further away? If I give him everything he wants, am I enabling his behaviour (not depression) to some extent? Is it ok to tell him that it's BS that he thinks he isn't good enough for me? How do I convince him otherwise? A couple of close friends have said to walk away but I really don't want to do that as I can see a future with this man. I'm also not the type of person who turns their back on loved ones when things get a little rough.

Any insight would really be amazing! Thanks all. x

geoff · ‎20-12-2016

hi RJ, we often get similar posts like yours which are also very sad, but what happens is that when someone has depression they feel as they want to be by themselves, but this doesn't mean that he doesn't love you, he feels that he has to be alone so that it won't affect you nor upset you, the trouble is that you know his depression is an illness and and that he still needs love and support, unfortunately he doesn't see it that way.
This isn't what you want to happen, but perhaps what you can do is to keep in contact with him, because you love him, but try not to contact him too frequently or ask him too many questions, because if this happens then he will just close up even further, text him a couple of times a week, saying that you are always here for him and that you love him, and will do anything he may want you to do.
He needs to have this security, although he won't admit to it, and by him saying 'he isn't good enough for you' is the depression telling him to say that, but if think about it, what he has actually said is that he does love you, but he is unable to say the word 'love'.
You seem to be a determined person and by saying that, is that love is love and you want to stay with him, that's lovely but try and keep in contact with him slowly and not to overpower him.
Please keep in touch with us. Geoff. x

romantic_thi3f · ‎20-12-2016

Hi RJ25,

Thanks for your post.

As someone who has struggled with depression and who has a partner struggling with depression I feel like there are lots of things I want to say but I'm going to try and really stick with your questions and answer them as best as I can.

How do I support him during this time without suffocating him and pushing him further away? If I give him everything he wants, am I enabling his behaviour (not depression) to some extent? Is it ok to tell him that it's BS that he thinks he isn't good enough for me? How do I convince him otherwise? '

I know for me, I push others away when I'm depressed because I don't feel that I deserve others; I'm not good enough and I feel like I'm a waste of space. I like hearing that it's BS; and it's completely okay to tell me that but I might not always be convinced by it.

In my relationship, I will call out the BS. When my partner says things that aren't true, I will call him out on them and fact-check it; i.e. how do you know; where's the evidence for that? This can be a great way to encourage people to challenge their thoughts.

If you give him everything you wants, yes- I do feel like it would be enabling him a little; because in a sense he's forgetting (maybe not consciously) how you're feeling and how his behaviour is affecting you. You matter too. Maybe there could be a middle ground; so yes, give him space, but no we're not "becoming just friends" today, and we're talking to each other once/twice a week. I feel like the idea of setting some 'rules' might allow you both to feel a bit more secure in not having to make any decisions about the relationship, but also allowing him space and allowing you to feel like the relationship is secure without causing too much anxiety. Even just the idea of 'postponing' decisions about the relationship might be helpful as that way your partner can instead focus on the other aspects of his life.

I also think it's so important for you to surround yourself with other things important to you. At the end of the day, he may be pushing you away but you cannot control this. What he says and does is completely out of your control. What you can control is how you react and your behaviour. Spending time doing things that help you feel more secure can be helpful; even if those things are small (like chatting with friends and family, journalling, yoga/exercise or talking to a counsellor).

Hope this helps

RJ25 · ‎20-12-2016

Thanks so much! This really does help. x

RJ25 · ‎20-12-2016

Thanks Geoff, some great suggestions here. x

Nickname88 · ‎12-01-2017

Wow, I could have written your post RJ25. I am in the exact same situation and I understand your pain, confusion, fear, anxiety and concerns for yourself. All which are valid reactions to a difficult situation.

My partner also feels like he is not good enough for me, that he is not a good person and that everything is his fault so he pushes me away. I love him regardless.

I am currently giving him space which is torture for me because I worry so much about how he is going. He has no family of friends because he is new to this city and divorced. He is alone and not coping. I don't know how I am going to do it other than remind myself that it is not about me, that everything i do should be beneficial to his recovery but I also struggle with thoughts that I matter too. I am trying to put those thoughts aside temporarily but it is difficult.

I also am finding it hard to decide how much contact to give as all the information about supporting others advises to not let people isolate themselves. So difficult when you have been asked to give space and fear pushing them further away.

i really hope everything turns out ok for you as I'm sure that your relationship, without the challenges it is facing, would be long lasting and fulfilling for you both. Keep us updated and best wishes to you both.

RQT · ‎12-01-2017

Hi RJ25

I can really appreciate what you are going through. My partner of 18 months has distanced himself from me as he feels he doesn't deserve love or have enough to offer me in return. He suffers from ptsd and has recently began feeling depressed.

I have tried not to take it personally and took a gentle appoach at first. I tried very hard to balance giving him space and being supportive. A couple of weeks ago things came to a head. I could no longer pretend i was fine with his distance. The guilt of feeling like he had nothing to offer in the relationship saw him break it off.

I was absolutely heart broken and decided i had nothing else to lose when it came to him. I told him how much i loved him, Told him i did not want to desert him in his dark times, told him he could count on me but he had to want me in his life because it hurt too much feeling rejected. In a way i guess i called his bluff, not that i think he was intentionally playing with my heart. Like you said - i decided to call him on his BS. I told him he IS worthy of love and he does offer something to the relationship. Its early days and we are in no way out of the woods but he is still in my life and has plans to seek professional help (a must if we continue on together). Im a big softy but i really had to put on my big girl pants and deliver some tough(ish) love because someone had to take charge. Good luck to us both! X