Husband with NPD

[Stockholm]

After over 36 of marriage I know I have hit yet another wall in my struggle to cope with a husband with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I after building defences against 'eggshell walking'. I did think I had clambered out of this hole only to find that the next hole is  deeper.

I hear you ask, why do you not leave him? Several reasons:1) he threatens to kill or harm himself and the fault would be all mine. I would never seen my grandchildren again. They would hate me. Is this emotional blackmail for real? Yes. 

2) I had (over the years without realizing it) become dependent on this man in an emotional dance where he holds all the strings = Stockholm Syndrome/dependency. He was diagnosed in 1999-2000 but I was assured  (& in my love and empathy for him) that these 'types' get better with age. No they do not. Forever to my shame - & not that he would ever get help himself because everyone is wrong and he is right ~ I thought that love and reason who 'cure' him. It did not. What a fool I am.

3) His need for attention is very deep. Whilst I was undergoing brain tumour surgery in 2009, he would ring one of the many female stand-bys he has if I cannot give him the attention he craves/needs. He chooses days like anniversaries etc to have psychotic rages where he destroys my things (never his) so that I do not receive any attention from anyone else. The next day, in his mind what he did does not exist - never happened. 'Its in the past'. Its all my own fault.

When my father died suddenly too young & my grief was deep his need for my full attention to be solely on him had him end up in hospital after an attempt to cause harm to himself but again it's just another attempt to be in spotlight. I had to hide my grief. The Dr at this very good Psych. Hospital observed him, spoke to him and then spoke to me and advised I seek Psych help for him with the NPD diagnosis.He never did.

Anyway, even typing this means that someone 'out-there' is reading and knows and this enables me to continue. I have noticed though, that I am MUCH stronger (psychologically) these days and this fact concerns him which is puzzling to me. I show this strength now when he threatens violence/rages.

Another facet of this disorder is that he never ever wants bad news because 'something' has gone out of his control ie: like a flat tyre etc. Control over everything is essential to him. 

If there are any other spouses/family members out there that have to cope like this, any words of wisdom?


 

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[Doolhof]

Hi Stockholm,

Welcome to Beyond Blue and to the Community here. I am not sure what the moderators have shared with you, but I do hope you are able to find their advice helpful and useful.

To a small extent, I have endured relationships with people who sound a little like your husband.

I need to learn to stand up for myself and to realise that it is not my responsibility for the way they act and behave. I know that is easier to say than to actually do at times. I have people in my life who have tendencies similar to your husbands.

One of the big problems is exactly what you have mentioned, these people don't realise how much they hurt others with their actions and behaviour.

My suggestion is that you try to find hobbies and interests to help add to your sense of enjoyment in life. Maybe join a club or a group.

If your husband tries on the self harm or his other antics, then maybe take him to the Dr or the hospital where you know he will have the care he needs and try not to take on board his behaviour.

You also mentioned your husband has tendencies to show rage and violence. I hope you have somewhere safe to go if this becomes too much! Just any sign of this is really too much! Maybe you need to look at safe places to go when this occurs.

You have reached out here so you are obviously wanting some of this resolved or at least for people to acknowledge what is going on for you. I hope you are able to seek help and further advice. Use the Beyond Blue phone line, see your Dr. and if you feel a need, share more of your story here.

People here on this forum are non judgemental and are also people who have dealt with mental health issues either themselves or through people they know.

I hope you can find ways to start making a positive difference in your life.

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools or Lauren

[Stockholm]

Thank you Lauren. Most of what you said/wrote is familiar to me.

After my brush with death (ie brain tumour) my sense of enjoyment in & with life is intense. Actually it probably always was.I ve many hobbies/outside activities. I've recently retired from a stressful & intense career & my days are filled with family & interests. It helps to allow me live 100% each day.

Living with someone with NPD has been described as one of the hardest things to do.

I look back on the violence, the multitude of affairs he has had, his subsuming of all my friends & support networks/hobbies, his outrageous lying, his destruction from time to time of my personal belongings & all else as actions from a person who has no self esteem & is desperately wanting to be somebody that people will love. ie: if I am talking to someone - anybody - he literally runs over to see what it is about & stands there swaying from heel to toe until I finish.

In all this,  I see a man damaged irreparably by his upbringing which was terrible at best & very very nasty at worst.He never achieved a sense of self & sense of 'other'.

He does not drink or smoke - not because it's unhealthy - but it allows him to be a judge on the rest of the human race in some sort of manic aggrandizement. When I ask him 'why?' sometimes his look is both frightening & frightened like child caught out.

The further sadness with this is that because of his behaviour is that he diregarded his own health & via his totally frenetic raging where he is so angry with me the world, everything has affected his heart & he now has a defibrilator. He is also plagued with Diabetes 2 which has affected any sexual relationship we had. His (many) attempts to harm himself have now become just tantrums & medical help is rarely forthcoming subject to him allowing them to help him. There is no medication for this. They did try anti-depressants but they made him worse as he believed he was losing control of me, his world - everything. When he drives  all other drivers are idiots. When he walks around shopping centres, people must get out of his way as he is entitled to be there first. I  avoid having him drive & I avoid going shopping with him. 

He teases our grandkids until they scream for him to go away  because they are getting attention & he is not. These are the unique things experienced by those that have to live with others with NPD.

Its sometimes way too hard to describe. But I'm here for myself & my family. I must remain strong 

[Doolhof]

Hi Stockholm,

I really don't know what to say in reply to what you have written! I have met some "interesting" people in the past but your husband takes the cake!

You mentioned you are now retired. Do you find it harder to be at home permanently now with your husband?

I know you mentioned that you have a lot of hobbies and interests and you spent time with family and friends, but it your husband always home?

It is a shame the grand children are copping things now. I wonder if they will want to be around their grand father much longer? Unfortunately my Mother has a few mental health issues and the grand children do not like to spend much time with her at all and she is wanting us all at their home for Christmas this year!

So what is Christmas like at your place?

Cheers for now from Lauren

[Stockholm]

Dear Lauren,

Thank you for your reply. I think that this is the crux of the matter for me now. I retired a little earlier deliberately so to taste the freedom of days without work stress so I could concentrate  on the problems associated with my husbands NPD & think through what it will be like once he does retire in a few months time. I m understandably apprehensive.

Every person knows that we do not live in a perfect world. Emotions run the full gamut of what makes us humans. My husband likes nothing better for me to be happy & without complaint about anything...no matter what the abuse or situation whether it is in his control or not. Meaning I have to be joyful & chirpy 24/7 otherwise it's his fault even though its not & I may simply have hayfever etc & the rage begins. His is a world of 'no-sense' nothing is 'real' or 'makes sense' & he does not have the tools that enable empathy to another.

I struggle each day to see any humaneness in him & I see sparks of it & then it goes out. I try & teach him empathy for his fellow human beings & he tries but its very skewed by his world view on how it should be.

For example: the only friend he does have came down with meningitis not long after my brain tumour surgery. His friends wife told my husband 'do not under any circumstances come to visit as we do not know what it is - viral/bacterial meningitis & you do not want to take it home with you because you have someone at home whose meninges (covering of the brain) is compromised'. He did not listen he wanted to go. He knew best. I had to,really had to shout at him & say 'don't put my life at risk PLEASE!'. In the end he did not go after much shouting. He is right. He is always right. My life is of no consequence to that 'rightness'. Now if that situation comes up he says 'well I stayed home didn't I'? so that I have to be on my knees thankful.

One day just before lunch I cut the cheese crooked..those big blocks one can buy of specialty cheese. He hit the roof.He chewed some cheese & spat it out all over me. When asked about it later 'it's an accident, it didn't happen'.

This is the problem with this. It's like sometimes I am living in an unbelievable unending nightmare in between days of calm before the next rage builds.

Any family gatherings are 'uncomfortable' & I try & put a good face on it & get through him through it. Its like living with a badly behaved child that has never grown up.

I was once told that their pain is our punishment. Very true.

[Doolhof]

Hi Stockholm,

Once again I am unsure how to respond to the way you explain your husband's behaviour when he is afflicted by his illness.

I know from my own depression and other mental health issues that there are days when my husband wishes I did not have these illnesses. He often tells me how hard it is on him. I tell him that I certainly don't enjoy being that way myself.

You must be one tough lady to hang in there!

I can understand you being apprehensive about the time when your husband retires as well. You might need to try to set some boundaries. Even if he really doesn't understand the concept, if you stick to them it might help you to cope.

I certainly wish you well with all of that!

Hopefully you have a good support network to help you out when times get too tough!

[Guest_5809]

Oh my!! Stockholm I read this with my heart pounding with anxiety and immense fear running through my body. This is my ex husband. Although in his eyes my husband still the father of our 2 young children. I live bound to him just like you and your NPD husband. Fear he will harm himself and I will have to live with that guilt and blame. I don't know how I can live with that. I too feel like I have that "Stockholm syndrome" with my ex. No matter how I try to break away I feel a compelling sense of feeling sorry for him and that I have to look after him.   I am afraid soon as I make that final break from him he will crack. What that crack looks like I fear. If he kills himself because of it I have to live with it, if he takes it out emotionally on me and the kids I have to wear it. I feel like I am in a dance with the devil. 

And know I see the same traits in my 13 year old son. It's so frightening to think this is the life I have and very few people see the behaviours. 

Big hugs to you  cause I see it and I get it  

[Doolhof]

Hi Dottibluebell,

Have you talked with counsellors about your ex husband and most importantly about your son?

Maybe if you are able to get your son in to see someone now, he will be able to change his ways and realise that how his father behaves is really not acceptable.

It is really hard to not feel like you are responsible for how another person acts and feels, but in a way we are not. We don't want people we know to say they would kill themselves if we left them, that is just putting so much blame and onus on you to make that person feel worthy.

My first husband told me that if I left him then he would kill himself. I did leave him and he did not kill himself. He went out with one of my girlfriends instead. That was fine. He was no longer my concern.

I do hope you are talking with someone about your situation!

Cheers from Lauren

[Stockholm]

Dear Lauren

Thank you for your response. ...appreciate it so much! Spilling is very hard and painful.

But you see, this is the crux of the matter. It is not an illness. It is a disorder just like psychopathy. If it was an illness then we could all hope for easement of it for his sake and my own. 

The many facets of the disorder as experienced by partners  from gaslighting ( almost a kind of psychological torture to others) right through to pathological lying can only be eased by specialist care not drugs per se. However knowing that both can make them worse is to be on the edge of despair.

My husbands world is one where he wears a mask to enable him to function outside the home though lately at his office the cracks are showing which he can no longer cover...he is the best, he knows it all. Promotions have passed him by whilst he thinks others cannot see the reality but some of course are intuitive to a strangeness in his behaviour. 

The cycles begin when he declares people are trying to run him over when he crosses the street. Of course he is walking  against the lights but I cannot say this...in my diary I note when he says it...as a flag for me to walk on egg shells again.

Anyway thank you for 'listening' ...its tricky, its hard its downright soul destroying. But I'll make it!

thank you!

[Stockholm]

One of the hardest things is to talk about it. Even harder than this is to read similar experiences because in the deepest darkest times, one thinks one is alone with this. But we are not. I have walked many miles in so many shoes in this forum that I am lost for words.

My best wishes for you and your son. Your son is still young and impressionable. Smoother him with all the love you can give him and let him know he is not only an intrinsic part of the beautiful world but a great addition to it and you are so glad to have him! Part of that love is to guide him into knowledge of right and wrong behaviours. I still think love does conquer all...I know that sounds terribly naive but its all I can suggest...He is precious as you are 🙂

Stockholm x