Staying on top, while caring for others

Mary_Rose · ‎04-01-2017

Hi all, I'm new here. I would like to ask is there anyone here that may care for a child or adult with challenging needs. While I try to look after myself ( depression, general anxiety etc) I also have a 14 yr old son that has Autism. Sometimes I find I don't have enough fuel in my tank to keep going, of course, I do whatever that may look like from day to day. However, I feel at times I just get through one day to face the other.

Elizabeth CP · ‎04-01-2017

Hi Mary Rose. Caring for someone can be very rewarding but also extremely draining. I cared for my mother who was physically disabled for 12 years. Sometimes it was fine but other times when things went wrong, she was sick or injured or other stresses it was hard. I currently look after my husband. At the moment it is OK but when he is sick it becomes very stressful due to lack of sleep & worry about what to do to help & all the extra work involved. When working I also treated many people who had various problems & had to support their carers because they often reached breaking point. I also have several close friends & family caring for sons or daughters with disabilities including autism. I have therefor seen first hand how difficult it can be. I have found my depression & anxiety are much worse when things become stressful. The stress seems to leave me more vulnerable to infections & other health problems. I have injured myself several times when things have been rushed & stressful leading to me not being as careful as I needed to be. A small mistake while rushing has led to months of pain & inability to carry out normal tasks. I share this with you not to moan about myself but to remind you of the risks of not looking after yourself.

Accept help if it is available. Prioritise what is most important & let less important things slide. Do not try to compare yourself with others. Other people may look like they are managing better than you but they don't have your challenging situation. Try to take time out to do things you enjoy & give you a break. This is essential to enable you to stay healthy physically & mentally so you can care for your son.

Good luck

kanga_brumby · ‎04-01-2017

Mary Rose a few years back I had to care for my partner who had a physical disability. She could not walk limited movement in arms and legs. So it was a 24/ 7 job. Then we had two children, which meant I was on duty for all of 24/ 7. My partner also had depression and several other problems. Mind you it's not Autism. But I can relate, to your frustration. My son has ADHD it might help if you approach Anglicare and get respite. It helped me, Mind you its not for everyone. I think I was lucky and got a great family to occasionally look after my two. Now I need care for myself, And had to put them in full time care. ( I still miss them heaps). I don't have family who are prepared to help much. So it is a big help to my two they are with people who all ready know them.

Mary_Rose · ‎05-01-2017

Thank You Elizabeth, for replying. I agree you do need to look after yourself. What I find is when I do get a break I need to work and catch up on the things that don't get done when I'm caring. I do spend quite a lot of time trying to find therapy's, answering questions for the school, meetings etc, and of course paid work somewhere in there 🙂 I also find when I do go out all I want to do is get home to my bed. I'm not really enjoying the company of others and find people very draining.

Zeal · ‎05-01-2017

Hi Mary Rose,

Both Elizabeth and Kanga have given you great advice already. I don't have any personal experience of being a carer. I'm 23 and still live at home, though I hope to move out next year. I've had anxiety/OCD since I was 13, and I took a bit longer to develop when I was a child. My Mum was so supportive, as you are for your son. The only advice I can give from personal experience, is to have relaxed time with your son (if possible under the circumstances). This time can involve doing an activity together, without any talk of issues or appointments.
I had plenty of quality time with my Mum and enough with my Dad (he was the income earner) as a child and teen, and this really helped me.

You are doing the best you can to look after your son and also your own mental health. If you don't mind me asking, have you sought counselling or professional help for yourself recently? I can tell you are very proactive with your son's wellbeing and health, which is very fortunate for him.

I recommend these online resources for your own mental health:

http://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/resources/infopax.cfm?Info_ID=37 (depression)

http://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/resources/infopax.cfm?Info_ID=46 (anxiety)

If you want to be connected to other Mums, this site is worth checking out: http://www.autismawareness.com.au/resources/online-forums-social-media/

This site is great, whether you're from NSW or not: https://wayahead.org.au/

I'm glad you've come to this forum 🙂

Best wishes,

Zeal

Mary_Rose · ‎05-01-2017

Zeal thank you for those links. I am aware of them and connected. I have been getting help over the last 20 yrs or so and a lot is helpful. I find eating well and exercising is very important even if it only to get out of bed to do this and to flop back in.

Thank You

Elizabeth CP · ‎05-01-2017

I often feel guilty because I don't get as much done as I want/need. I also use the free time to catch up with things. My psychologist keeps reminding me that I don't get things done as well as I'd like because I'm tired & need to rest not because I'm lazy. He encourages me to make the best guess of what will be most helpful for me at the time & go for it. If you need to go back to bed do so. If you don't feel like socialising that is fine. Do whatever helps you feel as good as possible under the circumstances. As you say caring does not just mean the time you are with your son but includes a lot of following up with relevant professional who are involved with your sone as well as the normal day to day tasks most people do.