Advice for supporting partner with depression

Bananas19 · ‎05-01-2017

Im the 8 yrs ive been with my partner he's had some ups and downs but he is nearly at Rock bottom now now and we have a 4 m/o daughter. After she was born I convinced him to go to the doctors for some help because I believed he is depressed. Looking back He was generally happy go lucky, life of the party, spent most of his time drinking with mates and also working with them.

He sadly lost his mum 4 yrs ago and 6 months ago had a falling out with his brother over the will to the point where they have now not spoken since then and they havent met our bubs which makes him feel like he doesn't have any family left-just us.

I am a very family oriented person and we do our best to make him feel included. I guess I'm just struggling to support him and a baby now and I hate this but my priority is her and my patience is as high.He sleeps for days at a time, breaks phones, punches doors, doesn't go to work (lost his latest job which was 7.5 hrs a week) won't do anything around the house unless he is feeling good etc. He got prescribed AD 2.5 months ago but stopped taking them as he didn't think he needed his "chill pills". He didn't go to the psych appt the GP made for him. I leave the house with bubs bc I don't want to watch him sleep and end up resenting him but he sees it as us abandoning him like everyone else has and "why don't we leave and take half his stuff". I go back to work in 3 wks and bubs will go into child care because what he doesn't realise is i cant just not go to work because he doesn't feel like getting up. It has put a huge strain on our relationship to the point where we are arguing lots and i spend a lot of time away from our house. He admitted last night after hours of crying that he is depressed, he doesn't care about himself-so why would he care about me, he doesn't want to see his friends (which i keep trying to encourage) because they have nothing in common, he doesn't like working, doesn't feel happy, just wants to sleep, has no family and most of all-just wants his mum. It's breaks my heart that I can't help him and he doesn't feel he is ready to get help because he doesn't want to talk to someone as that makes it worse. He self Medicates with alcohol and weed and can't see that that is heightening his emotions. Rrally sorry for the long post but at my wits end and don't know what to do to help. I want my daughter to have-meet the happy go lucky guy I fell in love with. He says hes gone but surely he is still there somewhere...?

white knight · ‎05-01-2017

Hi bananas, welcome

You do need some support. Glad you are here.

You are stuck and I appreciate where you are at. Its a compounding problem because he won't seek help nor take his medication.

I have a few ideas.

Seek counselling. If he won't attend then attend Alone. If he asks what happened tell him he can find out by attending. After all you can learn how to cope with him.

He could benefit from radical changes. It won't be easy to do with bubs. This concept is covered in this thread. Use google

Topic: be radical- beyondblue

Ideas on approaching him are here

Topic: talking to men, some tips- beyondblue

Finally you need to have a definitive line drawn. Your safety and your baby's safety is paramount in regards to violence.

Post as often as you need

Tony WK

Bananas19 · ‎08-01-2017

Thanks for your reply 🙂

I have reached out to relationships australia for some relationship counselling and when I have told him about this he has been on board as he thinks I am the one suffering depression and it might help me to talk to someone and he will come along for support. At least it gets him there i guess.

In the last couple of days he has been go go go and is currently up and about mowing the lawns and fixing the air con. The thing is i know it is just leading up to the next low or burnout particularly because he spent all day Friday angry and crying because he found out his younger sis is over from interstate and the only way we can see her is if we meet her at a cafe and have lunch with her. She isnt allowed in the car with either of us or at our house even though she has stayed here every time she has come over and always been in the car with us. He tried to give his 18 year old brother "special" cookies for his birthday and his father and stepmother found out so they worry about their daughters safety with us. It hurts me that I have been brought down by his actions and made to look unfit as a) i have a daughter myself b) work with chn c) have never touched drugs in my life/don't even drink alcohol and d)am the only one standing by him and sometimes that means not rocking the boat otherwise he feels isolated and alone.

What worries me most is that he has only cried over it. I know there is a bigger low to come.

How can you tell the difference between depression and bipolar? I feel like something like a drug/alcohol rehab would be a good start on the road to recovery but he has to want to do that and I know he doesn't want to as he thinks that is the only thing that is working for him.

PS i know i have the strength to leave if he was ever violent towards our daughter or myself but it is only towards objects.

JessF · ‎09-01-2017

Hello Bananas, the diagosis matters little if you have a partner who is behaving in a way that is affecting you and your daughter. He seems unwilling to seek help or accept responsibility for his own problems, and this is a recipe for disaster as you will end up taking this burden on to yourself. I don't believe he can be given a free pass because he breaks objects rather than hits people, it's a demonstration that he is not in control of his anger, and it's not a healthy way of coping.

I feel that you have to decide what your boundaries are, and what your ideal relationship and family situation will look like, and what each of you will contribute to that. This will require a frank and open discussion, where you are not afraid of "rocking the boat". Things are not going to change by themselves.