Partner self medicates

[ezza11]

I have been with my boyfriend for 7-8 years. Around 3 years ago, he was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. He has been on anti-depressants since then. However, he struggles with seeking help from a psychologist as doesn't find it helpful.

This year we have been on and off due to problems with always arguing over things in particular issues that related to the depression/anxiety, and hypersexuality.

He has gone back to 2 psychologist appointments the last month or two, and have suggested that he is bipolar and to take the necessary steps to be diagnosed officially including going back to GP to address medication, and referring to the Black Dog institute.

The problems have been that although he has gone back to the psychologist and back to the GP, he has admitted to lying to them about some of the problems. He drinks excessively, and about 5-6 days a week, he will drink at least half a bottle of spirits, or more than 6 beers (+ the spirits), or bottles of wine. On weekends, this amount will increase substantially. He uses the excuse that he isn't drunk because his body can now tolerate such large amounts. He has also increased his smoking again, and relies on it substantially when he drinks, but when he needs to get through stressful times. Recently, i have found that he is taking his painkillers again. He does not have any pain, but has said he just uses them to make him feel relaxed, and cope with things as it relaxes/numbs him. He has nearly gone through a whole packet (40) in a week, as well as drinking every night.

From this poor life style choices and a side effect from some of the medication, he has gained over 20-30kg in the last 1-2 years, and has said that this affects him negatively as well, and hates being like this.

I want to support him so much, and i offer to go with him to all the necessary doctor appointments if I can. I just don't know what to do when he doesn't see the self medication as a problem and "not a big deal, it's not that bad". I am happy that he has gone back to the psychologist (from numerous conversations we have had) and GP, but the lying to them about what he does, or his actions outside, or how he really feels makes it feel very limited to the success.

I understand that all I can do is be supportive, and talk to him about things, but I would love some advice if anyone has gone through something similar, and what is something helpful i should do, or even what i shouldn't do to help.

[white knight]

Hi Ezza, welcome.

Well you would be frustrated. We here often how those with issues won't seek help (and there is little one can do) but to seek help then act as he is poses other issues.

Im hoping champions with this area of experience will contribute. I'll put the word out. So stay tuned.

In terms of your relationship my concern is his dishonesty. It wouldn't sit comfortable with me. Also, such addictive habits doesn't give you a good foundation for a future. I wonder how he can justify his views over medical professionals eg "it isn't so bad".

All round it isn't a good environment and lack of respect is showing.

Tony WK

[Doolhof]

Hi Ezza 11,

It is really hard to understand why a person does things and behaves in ways we ourselves concede to be harmful for them. I have found it is very difficult to make a person change, that person has to see for themselves why and how they can change.

It may help to write up a For and Against list regarding the drinking, smoking, weight gain and not being completely truthful to the medical people.

The "For his actions list" might include things like: temporary relief, a sense of control, changing is too hard.

While an "Against his actions list" might include lack of motivation to make positive changes, increased health issues now and in the future, greater dependence on more substances.

This isn't really working out quite right, but I hope you get the idea! Seeing the issues written down might make him consider his actions more.

For yourself, try to ensure you do things that you enjoy doing. Keep in touch with family and friends. Know who you have as support if you need to talk to someone. You can make suggestions and attend the appointments, he needs to make an effort to make changes.

As a person suffering from depression and other mental health issues, I know it is not easy to change even when you do know it is extremely beneficial to do so!

It is tough either side of the fence.

Not sure what else to suggest. Cheers for now from Dools

[geoff]

hi Ezza, your b/friend is in denial, and when this happens he will uses alcohol to self medicate and with this comes the smoking and now he has an addiction for painkillers, this is what he relies on because the AD aren't helping him.
By being in denial also means that he won't open up to any psychologist, why should he when he has the alcohol and pain killers that he seems to be his only saviour.
He hasn't been able to wake up and realise that eventually these saviours will have no effect on him, but he has to understand that it's up to him to decide what he has to do.
You can talk until you're black and blue in the face to try and get him to wake up, but right now it's a waste of time, and to stop the alcohol, the smokes and the pain killers is going to take an enormous effort, however this is something which may begin once again, especially when he's under pressure.
My family did all they could to stop me from drinking, but to me they were just nagging and annoying me and because of this I kept on drinking much to their disapproval, only because I needed the alcohol to numb myself.
What is upsetting for you is that he pays no attention to what you want, in order to help him, but how long are you able to support him if he doesn't change, I only say this in a kind way, but understand you are still there for him. Geoff. x