She says she feels unsupported no matter how hard i try

[Ro77]

My wife of 13 yrs is suffering depression. Been on meds for about 4 years, dose increased again a few weeks ago. No matter how much i try to do to support her by doing housework, cooking, picking up kids/ dropping them at school, allowing her to sleep in coz she always feels so tired, I'm accused of not supporting her. I don't judge her and tell her i love her every day. She has no desire for physical closeness let alone a libido. I've asked if we need couples counselling coz i don't want to blame all our difficulties just on her mental health - that's not fair on her, i know I'm far from perfect.

Dont know how to support someone who doesn't tell me what else she wants or needs ither than 'support'. When i tell her that I'm further accused of highlighting her inconsistencies and irrationality which seems to push us further apart.

Does this sound familiar to anyone? What else could i try?

[BlueGrass]

Hi Ro

That's not an easy place to be in. Have you spoken with your doc, and if you haven't , it may well be worth seeking a counsellor for yourself.

If you are troubled enough to come here, I'm sure you would benefit from having a person you can speak with openly and specifically with face-to-face. Not only should this help you cope with your own frustrations, but also give you advice/tips on the best ways to help.

It may even seem to her that your "help" is showing that she is inadequate in her role as caretaker of the family. Very tricky situation, so I would suggest speaking with someone.

All the best

[Ro77]

Thank you. I have counselling available thru my work. Might be wise to call them.

[White_Rose]

Hello Ro

Welcome to the forum. It's good you found Beyond Blue as there are people with all sorts of difficulties so there is bound to be several who can specifically relate to your situation.

I do agree with Blue Grass that having some counselling yourself may help. I take it your work place has an EAP service. Does your wife have counselling of any description?

Do go and have a word with your GP. Unfortunately your GP cannot discuss your wife without her permission but what about having a joint appointment? It seems to me that your wife needs some goals to achieve. If you do all the work all she has left is time to brood about her depression and that's not a good thing. Perhaps you can suggest she helps you with jobs around the house and share the workload.

Can you take her for a walk after work. I don't know how old your children are and if they can be left alone for half an hour, but perhaps it could be a family outing in the afternoon/early evening. There is a huge benefit for someone with depression getting some exercise and especially getting out of the house at least once a day.

Beyond Blue has lots of information on depression which you may find useful and which your wife may also find useful. Look under The Facts at the top of the page. You can download some information and ask BB to post other material to you at no cost to you.

Please keep in touch.

Mary

[Ro77]

Thanks for your reply Mary. It wouldn't be fair to say i do all the housework. I have asked her many times to come for a walk. We got a puppy a couple of months ago which she had every intention of walking, she just finds reasons not to now.

I was supposed to go with her to the last gp appointment, only to have a child home from school sick. Seems lots is conspiring against us.

[Chrispie]

Hi Ro. When I saw your post it resonated with me, as our household sounds very familiar to yours. I also have depression and my husband and I go through similar routines. Today actually I was telling him how I feel unsupported by him. He helps around the house if I ask him to and has been cooking because I've been in a bad space. I wonder if she is feeling how I am. It's not the housework that gives me comfort, it's words of support I don't hear. For example if I'm not feeling well...Is there something I can get for you, When I'm feeling sad...Are you okay or I'm here for you or how can I help. Also sit with her and listen to her and comfort her. Anyway this for me is being supported. So maybe you could give it a try. If I think of anything else I will let you know. Hope this helps. Coming on here asking for help is a great start. Your being a wonderful husband. Chris

[Ro77]

Thanks Chris. I'm certainly trying. I think you're right, it's not about the big or measurable stuff, it's about being just present, which I'm trying to be ...

[Chrispie]

I can definitely tell your doing your best. We unfortunately don't know what we need sometimes. When I'm low I need more understanding and some space. Not too much space though...don't just leave her all day unless that's what she wants. A couple of other things I thought of, a bit of pampering..maybe a nice bath...candles and a glass of her favourite drink. Also are you guys able to get time to yourself...a movie...a walk together...a coffee or lunch. This is a bit of a game but can you pretend the puppy is talking in a cute voice and say something like...Woof woof (pups name) would really love you to come for a walk. I wondered how long she has been struggling? Has this been the whole time she's been on meds or just here and there? Her meds could be wrong for her, I've had to try a few over the years. It's possible she might need a higher dose. However with all this I've had depression for most of my life and it's very debilitating and difficult for family so she's lucky she has you to support her. I go through some weird moods every couple of months and it's taken a long time to realise. Good luck Chris

[geoff]

hi Ro, how your comment reminds me of times in my marriage that exactly the same happened with me on so many occasions and this was before I had my diagnosed depression, yes there were plenty of good times but I had to be very careful other times, simply because she wouldn't talk to me for a couple of days, although she would to our two sons.
I couldn't believe her when she said I wasn't supporting her, as I did the same as you Ro, cooked meals, did the shopping, washing and vacuuming, but what I did wasn't good enough, it was always done the wrong way.
I always had to succumb to what ever she wanted, because my way was definitely never good enough, but I had to keep saying it so that she would get out of bed, however it was always so exhausting and rather demeaning.
This did happen throughout our 25 year marriage but it was much easier to overcome only until I was heading towards depression later on in life and then it was too late, I was diagnosed and fell into a heap, so then I wasn't worried what happened.
Ro, I can only imagine all the work you do each day, sometimes it's taken for granted other times it's because you have to, so I know what you are going through and so sorry that it has turned out this way. Geoff.

[Ro77]

Coincidentally I've got a surprise weekend for her today. Massage, facial and dinner with 20 friends. She's really anxious about her surprise, hopefully she likes it.

Struggled undiagnosed for much of her adult life. Meds and periodic therapy. Recently increased med dose and recomenced therapy. Hopefully the tide will change soon. Just looking for other ideas of ways to help her.