How can I support my Husband?

[Wifey_Support]

Hi All,

New here. Joined this group because my husband has been recently diagnosed with depression & anxiety. He has just started medication & got a referral to a counsellor (after weeks of me begging him to do something). He said he broke down at the doctors talking about it all. I understand he might not be able to talk to me, as he hasn't been, and even said he finds it hard to talk to me about it.

I have suffered anxiety and depression myself, but in very short bursts & I got help for myself almost immediately.

Money is a huge trigger for my husband and why he feels this way. We both work long hours and have a 4 year old son. Feels like he isn't getting anywhere in life financially and he hates his job. I try to offer realistic solutions (finding a new job, quitting smoking cigarettes), things that could help the financial situation. However I think he is in such a haze with his mental illness that all of this is just too hard right now.

I try to be sympathetic, but I struggle to when he wont make positive changes eg, finding a new job.

I remind him of all we have to be thankful for, our bills are paid, we have our health, family, our son and each other. But none of this seems to help him. I think it actually aggravates him.

I am a little lost as to how help/support him right now. We have been together for 17 years since we were teenagers, but I right now, I feel like I don't know my husband.

I am trying to be patient and not get frustrated, I want to help him, I just don't know how.

[Winterfell]

Hi Wifey

if he is quite depressed all the talk of what he has wont make a jot of difference, it will only make him feel guilty and defective. My husband was like that, great job, great house, great kids, healthy etc etc but he had a major severe depressive episode. People just couldn't understand that he had depression or realise he couldn't talk himself out of it - its ridiculous actually, depression is a really serious illness, he couldn't talk himself out of it anymore than a diabetic could talk themselves out of having diabetes. You can support him by learning about depression, being encouraging, not trying to 'fix' him, giving him time and space to work through his issues and offering to support him with appointments and therapy.

All the best

[Alexandria16]

Hi Wifey Support,

This sounds EXTREMELY hard. I have a similar situation with my husband, although he is better now than he was two years ago. Here is a couple of things I have found helpful

1. Quitting smoking is undoubtedly important for him (i made my husband quit last year but he has the occasional relapse after stress) but probably won't happen for a while as it will be too overwhelming for him to try quitting while he is depressed and anxious. My husband used medication to quit, which was prescribed by a doctor (but very importantly has been found to increase depression in some people, so he could only do it when he was relatively well). So maybe set the goal that this next 12 months is to increase your husband's mental health, but to aim for him to start quitting in 12 months

2. Working and travelling seems to be a trigger for him - it sounds like it could be good for you to talk to him about this, and figure out if it is possible for him to travel less (maybe not) for the next few months. You could also go to his counsellor and work out strategies for him. The difficulty is that although things are going well (he's got a job, his bills are paid etc) it is possible he is very ashamed and struggling, feeling low self esteem etc.

3. I think there is a huge issue with depression and shame - my husband definitely feels like this, he feels ashamed when he is depressed, and feels like he is failing me. It could be worth asking him about this. I think it's often easier for my husband to talk to other people rather than me because I am so close to him.

4. Financial stuff is hard - I reckon setting goals is good (e.g. 'its been a really hard year, let's try and spend the rest of the year figuring out how things could get better and then next year we'll change stuff up'. you could write a list of things you'd love to do (change jobs, move etc) and figure out if they are actually worth it.

5. I think good medical help and seeing a psychologist regularly is something to hugely prioritise 🙂

[Blue_Jane]

Hi Wifey Support

Looks like this is your first time here - so welcome! I hope you find our messages useful.

Sounds like you are going through a difficult time. I understand that you want to help your husband, it is a very natural feeling as you care so much.

My ex and now my husband both suffer from depression. It is so hard and what I have learnt is not to take anything they say/do/don't say/don't do personally. The partner is always impacted by the illness and it is cruel how we just want to help them but mental illness doesn't make sense.

In terms of how you can help...ask how he is going with the counsellor. But don't push for answers. It might take him a few times to feel comfortable with sharing how it is all going. Or he might never share what is going on.

Suggest activities that involve being outside in the fresh air and eat well. Little things like that go a long way.

Please let us know how things are going.

Blue Jane