Please help! Pregnant hanging on by a thread. My

RubyA · ‎10-02-2015

Hi. I need advice re. my ex partner's mental health & suicidal thoughts. My ex partner & i no longer live together, i'm still in our home, while he is living with his aunty however, we still talk on a daily basis. My ex partner suffers with depression and anxiety. He is currently on antidepressants, he has been for some years. During my his teenage years he had a heavy drug addiction problem & was hospitalised for suicidal thoughts and/or attempted suicide. I did not know my ex partner during this time & I am unsure of the exact details as it is not something we discuss. In his 20's he had got clean and was pursuing what life has to offer him in a positive and upward direction. 3 years ago his father died unexpectedly & since then he has taken backward's steps. The past 2 years have been an roller coaster of emotions and i am at my wits end. I am still madly in love with my ex partner & care about him deeply. I have made all kinds of suggestions trying to help: gp, counsellor, naturopath, sport, exercising, eat healthily, different medications, writing in a journal, joining a group with like members, day clinics, i even suggested hospitalisation. My ex partner dismisses any suggestion i make as he is of the opinion they do not work. My ex partner now has a drug addiction again & has now started taking illegal steroids. I am no expert but both of those things are unhealthy for any person, I highly doubt they will contribute to his mental status in a positive manner. A few times a week he speaks of suicide, usually in a threatening manner, blaming me for his emotions. I am 22 weeks pregnant. This is our first child. I do not want to live my life without my ex partner by my side but i do not agree with the way in which he is choosing to live his life at the moment and i most definitely do not see it as an acceptable or healthy environment for a child (hence the ex). That aside, i have my own physical health delimas which are ongoing (unsure of how i am pregnant to begin with, this baby is truly a miracle) and i am not coping with my own issues let alone the stress of trying to help my ex partner. I do not know what else to do to help him. I know if something horrible were to happen to him that it would not be my fault but I cannot help but feel to blame when he constantly says that i am. I feel so helpless, what else do I do?

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Neil_1 · ‎12-02-2015

Hi there Ruby

Welcome to Beyond Blue and thank you for coming here and providing your post.

This is indeed a big issue for you as you have expressed in your post and it is great that you are seeking out support/help/advice now because as you get further advanced in your pregnancy, you’ll be hoping to have these kinds of things a little more settled, so you can fully concentrate on your little one. And just with that, congratulations to you as well.

When you say he’s living with his aunty, is that still in the same city/town (location) where you are living (and no need to say where that is, by the way). I only ask cause I do wonder as to how your ex is, with his emotions and mental frame of mind because he is sounding like a cocktail of disaster about to happen. I say this because you’ve mentioned that he suffers from depression and anxiety, is back with a drug addiction; lost his father a few years ago; appears to blame you for things, rather than himself and on top of all that he is now taking steroids. Steroids have the very real potential of making even ‘sane’ people go over the edge with behavioural issues and anger, so if someone is already on shaky ground, then taking ‘roids is definitely not a desired thing to do. Having said all that, I’m not sure who would be able to tell him about this.

The fact that he IS your ex and not current partner is a huge thing. I guess my main question here is, ‘is he ok with this?’ or is that one of the things he blames you for (ie: the split up?)

My concern here is for your safety and for that of your bub that you are carrying, so I hope that above all else, you are in a position where you feel safe?

Sorry, it’s taken a long time to get to your actual question which was ‘what else do I do?’ I’m not sure what other means of support you have, but hopefully you have other family members or friends that you can call on for support, as you will need some as the weeks roll towards the 40 week mark (by the way is that going to be like a June baby?) No doubt you’ve got a doc who you’ve seen from time to time for the pregnancy? Would this doc be also someone who you could speak to about similar things that you’ve raised below? It just seems that some likely professional advice might be useful for you at this time as well.

Hope I haven’t babbled on too much and that you managed to read it all; would really love to hear back from you.

Neil

mung_bean · ‎12-02-2015

Hi Ruby,

My heart reaches out to you. I am a mother of 2 boys and being a mother or expectant mother is challenge alone, apart from everything else you are dealing with.

It really sounds to me as though you have made every suggestion under the sun to your ex. That you care deeply for him and you are rightfully concerned for his state of mind. The only person who can really help him is himself. The first thing he needs to realise is that he has a problem, and it doesn't sound to me from what you're saying that he recognises that he needs help. How can you help someone who doesn't want help?

I feel that you really need to focus on taking care of yourself right now. Perhaps you need to recognise that you have done all you can at this point to try and help your ex. You have bigger and more important things to care about now which is the health of yourself and the health of your unborn child. If you let your ex know where you stand, that you love and care for him, that you will always be there for him and until he recognises that he needs help and let's people in who can help him, than what can you do? He is in the blame game - until he makes the connection that he is at cause then there is nothing you can do.

You say you speak to him every day? Does he contact you? Your line of communication should always be open to him but if you're the one always making initial contact than I feel this needs to stop. The state he is in at this moment in time can only bring heart ache and pain to you. Perhaps if he sees that he is losing you and you're not supporting him in his current state, this might trigger a need for change. Tough love is sometimes the best love.

I wish you every happiness and I hope you are finding time to think about yourself and what you need so that you can make this new transition into motherhood a good one.

Also - listen to the advice of your loved ones around you. What are they telling you to do? Sometimes we can't see what we need to do because our emotions get in the way.

I hope this helps you.

x

RubyA · ‎12-02-2015

Thank you for your replies. I posted the thread late night (excuse my errors) & I was unsure whether it had worked (I'm new to the online forum world). I was hoping someone would be able to shed some light on my situation or relate. Thank you for the pregnancy congratulations! My ex lives within close proximity (roughly 30 minutes away). My ex no longer has keys to our home, both the baby & I are very safe where we are & being fearful for my safety is not something I have been concerned about now or previously. We are both still very much in love with one another. We have had our fair share of issues like any other relationship, issues that have been worked through/issues that we're willing to work through; the only reason we are not in a relationship at the present time is because I do not agree with his choice of living. It is my ex who makes daily contact; he checks up on me & the baby, expresses his love at times & also attempts to organise to catch up. I would like my ex to seek support for his mental health dilemmas; the aggression & emotional instability has put me in positions I think no person should ever be put in, they are unbelievably frightening, I cannot imagine how they make him feel. At first this was purely for his own health but now also my own. I'm more than happy to stand by him with these issues, & I understand there will be more bad days before the good days arrive. I recently made it clear to my ex that we will not be getting back together & we have not been in contact since that date. As much as it hurt me to tell him that, I will not support the life in which he is living (drug addiction & steroids), nor will I allow it to become part of mine. This is where the suicidal threats come into play, as he is unhappy being without me yet does not want to or cannot stop the illegal things in which he is doing. I don't understand what it is like to have a drug addiction but I feel incredibly let down, how can he care & love me and his unborn baby as much as he says he does if he is willing to watch us walk away for a reason that could be fixed. I have minimal support myself, I do not have family. Although this is not ideal and sometimes upsetting, I have lived my life like this for years so it is not a change I need to adjust to. I have a gp, oncologist, & now see an obstetrician; I am looked after well medically. Given that my issues are not my own I would not feel comfortable discussing them with a medical practitioner whom I see.

Neil_1 · ‎13-02-2015

Hi there Ruby

Thank you so much for your latest response.

Unfortunately I feel I’m not able to help overly much with this situation, but I do fully understand the whole situation; but like yourself, I can’t understand the ‘seemingly’ willingness to let you and your unborn baby walk away from him. Just thinking on this, I thought I had/have an addiction with alcohol, but I’ve thought about this scenario and if I was faced with the option of walking or staying, I’d be staying in a heartbeat and quitting. The thing is though, not one of us is the same and we’re all different, hence why my response is obviously different to your ex’s.

It is awesome to read that you are being looked after well medically and all things with regard to your pregnancy, which must be very nice to know and at least that’s something that you are not having to be concerned about.

Kind regards

Neil

Nika · ‎18-02-2015

Hi Ruby,

My husbands ananxiety & depression came up during late pregnancy.He blamed and still does blame me. Fortunately my family Dr let me know this before I heard it from him amd also told me that these ideas were 'crazy'. So as hard as it is to hear you have to keep sure you aren't to blame and his feelings of this are part of his illness.

As a single Mother you are entitled to counseling and I recommend you start now to build a relationship with a counselor. Having a baby is hard work and having that back up may make all the diffence.

Congratulations on your pregnancy and good luck.