Husband' depression is getting me down

Nika · ‎30-01-2015

My husband has suffered from anxiety which is aggravated by change. I have been through this a few times in our 9 year relationship. However in January last year it escalated to depression with the combined change of a house move & a new baby (who arrived in March).

My husband believes it is all my fault. That I pushed to move house and that this caused his depression. I did push to move house as we had made the decision together and in the past after the change had occured he got better fairly quickly. This time ge did not. Thankfully I had PND pamphlets floating around for me which I read & led me here so I helped seek treatment which has led to medication & psychological treatment. His perception of this help is that I was just ticking another thing of my pre baby checklist.

His perception of me is that I am a horrible person who treats him with disdain. This isnt true and but has me walking on eggshells around him terrified that the next thing I say will cause him to withdraw. I have no idea how to change his thinking and I have no idea how to stay in a relationship like this with someone I once loved but I don't know anymore.

I think I thought after a year he would be improving. So I've held it together. I have been strong & working so hard to get him back to me. But I need support and I don't know how much longer I can be the supportive/responsible one holding up the relationship for.

This has turned into a vent & I have had a little cry which is good to get it out. For those of you that support a partner with depression or have depression & are in a long term relationship what makes a supportive partner. How do you keep yourself happy - how do you fight this misperception?

Pixie15 · ‎30-01-2015

Hi Nika,

I have some sympathy for what you have written here. My partner who suffers anxiety does not like change either not unless he is the one who is motivating it. It would be doubly negative if moving has left him isolated from the things he was comfortable doing like maybe visiting his local pub.

From my experience you cannot fix your partner and actually focusing on his behavior might make it worse. You could try not doing things for him that he could be doing for himself. Let him settle in at his own pace. Moving house and having babies are great sources of stress even for people who do not suffer anxiety.

Also you might want to consider some counselling for yourself to have someone to talk through your feelings with. Relationships change over time which is natural and you have a child now. There is no simple answer.

Grateful.

.

Postivevibes · ‎16-02-2015

Hi,

i have just come across your thread and had to write to you I got on here tonight because I am at my wits end with supporting my depressed partner I am looking at him right now while he stares into blank space I breaks my heart I spend every minute of my day doing anything I can to try to make him happy and it doesn't work.

i am at a loss as to how to cope and I am exhausted with always having to be the supportive person 😞 how have you managed since this post?

Rothy · ‎17-02-2015

Hiya. I'm sure this will sound ridiculous. But for me it work. As my role has turned from rock to emotional punch bag. (How does that even happen) I tend to stay up a bit later than my wife when I feel down or angry and turn on my gaming console. I play an immersive game that takes my mind somewhere else. Somewhere when I can re lease the negativity harmlessly. Then im ok. I also find just watching something I need to focus on (Anime mostly. Yes im geeky) recharges my batterys and after that I'm good again. Im not telling you to take up gaming but do something for you. Separate from him. That he cant misconstrue in his mind. For a pressure release valve. Just dont get to immersed in it

Nika · ‎18-02-2015

Things are better (for the moment) thankyou. We have suffered a series of viruses which have reminded us both we need to take care of each other & make time for one another.

He suffered gastro for a week and was unable to take his medication. Normally this would turn him into a monster but he was fine. Him off medication puts me on guard as in the past it has resulted in personal attacks against me & general meanness.

The comment below is true. I started a small sewing business that is exclusively mine. It's a hobby that keeps me going and gives me a time out when needs be. So if you can find something to unwind do it.