How do I approach my husband about using gaming to suppress depressive feelings?

[Wife24]

My Husband has had depression for about 6 years now. He has struggled with it for most of this time. I so proud to say that he is now receiving treatment and taking on support to lead to recover. We have been married for about a year and a half and have only just got our internet up and running. My husband use to be quite an avid gamer when he was single but the place we moved into didn't have internet. Long story short my husband has started receiving (and wanting)  help for his depression and making great progress. However right now we have the internet and he is currently off work. It seems like all he does is play games or work on his car (more so the games). He hardly leaves the house and his job isn't due to start for a few weeks. I have been upset about it and to his credit he has made efforts to either come to bed at the same time or turn it off for a while when i'm home. But lately he seems more aggressive about it and more annoyed when i ask him to turn it off. He gets irritable and then turns his attention to games, mainly war related that he plays with "friends" online that he doesn't know. I've read about certain links between depression and war games. I dont think it causes depression but i think he uses it to escape. I end up just annoying him or making him cross because i dont like him playing them fullstop.I hate making him angry and end up feeling like im pushing him too much or i'll make depression worse.

[Doolhof]

Hi Rhiannon,

It does sound like your husband is using the computer games as a way of escaping reality. It may have started as a way to fill in his time, and also a way to "Connect" with others as you mentioned he is playing with "friends" online.

Does he have real life mates you could invite over for a BBQ sometimes, so he has a chat with people face to face.

I am not sure how you manage to make him cut down his time on the computer. It is almost like a person who is gambling, they need to keep returning to the gaming machines to feel like they are happy.

It is great your husband is receiving help for his depression, I wonder if he has mentioned his addiction to the games to those helping him?

Maybe you could Google Gamblers Anonymous, (or something like that) they might have ideas for ways family members can help those addicted to the pokies and you  might be able to use some of those ideas on your husband. If you find some great suggestions, maybe you could discuss the idea with your husband when he is in an approachable mood.

For more professional assistance, you could phone one of the help lines and the people there might be able to give you some valuable assistance. I like to use the Webchat here on Beyond Blue as well. There are numbers at the top of this page you could phone or use via webchat.

The more information you can gain about being addicted to something, the better you will be able to assist your husband and to understand his need to play the games. I hope this has been of some assistance to you.

From my own experience of my husband sitting on the computer for hours and then watching t.v. I have learnt to find things that I enjoy doing. While he is watching t.v. I take a book in and join him, do some craft, draw a picture, anything so we are in the same room together. Makes me feel better and not so alone. Not sure if you could adopt something like that for yourself.

Wishing you all the best, from Mrs. Dools

[Wife24]

Thanks for your reply Mrs Dools

I think its like you said at the start, that its a way to fill in time. I dont think he is addicted to it but i after all this time I have lost contact with what i like to do and when I see him on the computer and not with me I get very upset about it. The BBQ idea i think is a great one. and I will put into practice what you said about taking in a book etc when he's like that.

I more worry about the violence and using a game based on killing people when you are in a depressive way. Thankyou for the advice. I will definitely try it.

Hope all is well

[Doolhof]

Hi Rhiannon,

I am pleased some of my suggestions might work for you. It is wonderful you are concerned about your husband, and that you desire to spend more time with him.

You also mentioned you have lost contact with the things you like to do? What kind of things are they? Can you be doing those things while you r husband is playing his games?

I know for myself I need to find more balance in my life so I have time for my interests and hobbies as well. I like to do various crafts but don't make the time to do those anymore, but know that if I do I will feel a lot better about my days. There always seems to be some job that needs doing instead!

Regarding the violence, if your husband was a teenager with depressive ways, then I would be more concerned. My husband likes to watch really gruesome movies and documentaries, I don't watch them with me, just the thought of them makes me feel sick.

Guys think differently from us. Maybe all that blood and guts and violence is just "part of" their make up, I don't know. Maybe also, playing those types of games might be using up some of his depression, if he is a warrior and he wins in the games, maybe that is helping him to feel empowered and to have more self esteem.

It would be great to get a guy's perspective on all of this. Do you have a close male friend/brother you could talk to regarding the type of games your husband plays? Or ask your husband why he enjoys it so much.

The most violence my husband shows is to kill flies when they come into the house! He is not the most sensitive guy in the world, but I don't think that is due tot he movies he watches, but because of his temperament and personality.

Congratulations to you for wanting the most of your husband and your relationship!

Hope it all goes well, from Mrs. Dools

[AJ2014]

I'm a Gamer.

i think people can be caught out by reading too much into it. I am guessing the game is a FPS or first person shooter. Which is really just a game of stuck in the mud or red rover or pick a childhood game where you eliminate players through some means and the last person standing wins. My guess is that the context means very very little and it is rather the experience of successfully working with other individuals to accomplish a goal which is important.

Which brings me to my next thought. The social interactions of people in a game are still meaningful even if others don't understand them for all intents and purposes they are friends. I have been made to feel bad for spending time playing games and interacting with other individuals simply because they were online and i could not physically see them etc. That is not to say my borderline addiction to gaming was completely positive though.

just a thought that at worst can leave you well no worse off, try computer gaming yourselves. Challenge your partner or person you are concerned about to find a game that you can play together. I am guessing probably something called an MMORPG would probably be the most successful choice. I tend to play those rather than the FPS types and have "met" a number of couples who play them together. There are a number of "free to play" ones out there.

[Alznth]

I know this is a late response but I also hope this helps?

 I am a woman who enjoys gaming (shooting games included!) so I absolutely disagree it's a man thing. I have had constant critisms about my use of gaming as an "escape" but for me, I find it is a useful tool to be active and social but not something that requires a lot of energy. I find being face to face with people can be draining, and when I am already feeling worn down, I don't want to work up the energy to be socializing that way.

 But with gaming, it's quick and easy, and often I will have a chat going on in my headset that I can feel apart of because I can listen to people and feel a...part of a group, without even having to do much more than cheer or shout directions at others. It's the sort of social community you can find when you're in line with strangers for a band, or at a bus stop when it's raining - you all have one thing in common right off the bat and you can discuss it, no matter who you are or what's going on in your life.

 And gaming for me, it's nice to "achieve" something. I hate days when I've achieved nothing, siaxing" and still not really...achieving anything. With a game, it's entertainment, sometimes sociable, but always achieving something, because you can "win" or you can "complete" a level. And the joy and excitement and just general...satisfaction, is still felt, regardless of the fact it wasn't a physical achievement. It was a mental and internal one.

But I also agree with others in saying that there's nothing stopping you from getting into a game or two yourself. I had family members that always felt I was addicted to games and constantly told me I was being lazy and not spending time with them...

Until they tried a few games themselves.

Now I will often have family members tell me about their games and their achievements or we will game together and talk.

Having a passion and an addiction can be two very different things. To me, an addiction is destructive, it's avoiding going to work to play games, it's sneaking away every five minutes AT work to try and game. It's something that is put before health and money, where you are spending more than you are able to on games, where your addiction is crippling you and forcing you into becoming broke. Addiction is when you feel you NEED it and are unable to stop.

A passion is when you WANT it and would prefer not to stop.

[Rothy]

I really struggle to understand the negativity and games. What is the difference bwtween watching tv, reading a book, doing a hobby, and gaming. Its all an escape to some degree. Occupying your mind. It maybe that the game helps him to vent some of his depression.

Also wouldn't you get peeved if your partner told you not do to a particular thing you enjoy while he is around?

I have had a similar problem with my partner. I actually did border on addiction but I caught myself. And I just put yhe console away.  I only use it to cure bordem now.after chores are done. Or when I need to clear my head. And never in front of the children. My wife is anti game and anti tech. (Aside from smartphone games that is o.O) 

You need to address the reason for the gaming not the gaming itself.