Please help me... New mum of twins, depressed husband, no support

[Vh09]

Hi there

i am new to forums, but can see how much support and insight they provide so am hoping that someone out there can help me. My husband was diagnosed with depression less than a week after we brought our twin babies home. He has since been completely withdrawn, sleeping at the other end of the house and refusing to help me. I have no support whatsoever . His family blame me for his condition, saying that I am obviously not doing enough and must be treating him badly or his condition would be improving. My family also refuse to help, they have little to no contact with me. My husband has just returned from three weeks in an institution for his condition, as I feel as though he is worse. Even more withdrawn, not wanting to help with the babies, not wanting to talk or even be in the same room as me. This is heartbreaking, as when his family are here is somehow finds the strength to get out of bed, have tea and biscuits with them and even take them down to the shops for lunch. He can barely be in the same room as me or the children, and some days has refused to even look at the babies. It is heartbreaking. We have been married for eight years, and have finally had babies after years of trying, and now I have been left to raise them on my own. It breaks my heart, as well as being physically exhausting. 

The babies are now seven months old. This has been going on for so long, and my husband doesn't seem to want to try and make an effort for me or the children. He is talking about separating/divorcing, and I just don't know what to do.  He clearly does not want to be around us, and all my efforts to connect with him seem futile. It is so hard.

I don't know what to do. I am scared and heartbroken. Please help. 

[Pixie15]

Hi Vh09,

Welcome to Beyond Blue. Although someone may contradict me I do not think that you can do much to speed up your partners recovery so that he can help you more. It is a little unsettling that you think he is worse since he has returned from the institution. I am wondering if he went there voluntarily or if he is getting any follow up support.

I think your partners family are out of order blaming you for his depression. It seems to me that if your partner is listening to them it may be driving a wedge between you. This also may explain why he is prepared to make an effort for them because he sees them as being on his side. 

It is unfortunate that you cannot rely on your own family for support. Is this a recent thing or is it just the ways your family has always been? As one wise person said to me some relationships just don't work. I do not have a close family either.

Having twins must be especially draining for a first time mother. You may be able to get some respite care or child minding so that you can have a bit of time off for your own self care. I am guessing that Family and Community services may be able to help you.

Sorry I can not offer more support.

Grateful.

[geoff]

dear Vh, I had replied but I lost the post, never mind it's good to have you post a comment.

Well you don't have any support at all by his family interfering with your husband and also your family, which is really irresponsible, however your husband is still suffering from this illness.

It doesn't matter whether someone is put into an institution, because it's a safe environment, but when they come out it just goes back to how they were feeling, although there are times when it turns out to be beneficial, but not with your husband.

Having twins would be an enormous job as I am also a twin and I have heard stories of what and how things were down, feeding, dressing, playing with and making us feel comfortable, so it was a job that needed help, as we were the last of a group of 5 children, including ourselves.

Men can suffer from PND because their previous life has changed, but I would like to know how much control his family has over him because they are setting up a barrier between you both.

Hope to hear back from you, although I will be off the site for a couple of days, sorry. L Geoff. x

[Vh09]

Thank you so much Grateful and Geoff for responding. It's very lonely here so your advice and support is much appreciated.

I completely agree, I think my husband is suffering with post natal depression too, but the help he was/is seeking is not addressing it at all. He is getting worse every day, and taking a lot of his feelings out on me, almost as though he is deliberately trying to hurt me. Lately he has been saying that he somehow doesn't think that I should be upset about the way I've been treated by his and my family, saying that as they have helped us in the past we have to accept the way they are treating me now. I feel as though he doesn't care how people treat me as long as he is treated well. It is so heart breaking. I don't think it is too much to ask for him to back me up or be upset when people hurt me, but he says he won't do it. His family has a huge amount of control over him. They have admitted they've treated me badly deliberately and he remains unfazed.

Twins are a lot of work, especially when I have to do baths, feeding, nappies etc all on my own. But they are so beautiful and deserve all the love in the world. It's getting harder and harder to fake being a happy bubbly mummy for them though. 

 Over the weekend he said he doesn't love me and think the babies and I should leave. My heart can't even process how awful that it. I have tried everything, rang every place I could think of that would help me. But I wonder how much longer I should take this. He is refusing to change or make any effort. 

[Pixie15]

Hi Vh09,

I am a bit at a loss on what to say.

Your partner seems to have some very distorted ways of thinking if he really believes that you should accept being mistreated because you have been treated well in the pass.

It does not seem right that your partner is suggesting that you "leave" with the babies. Would you be able to suggest next time that if anyone is going to move out it would be more appropriate for it to be him.

The other thing I am wondering is if your partner has an area in your home which is basically his man cave where he can go and have a time out. If he felt he could get away when he needed to he might not feel so crowded.

I do not think that mothers have to be happy and bubbly all the time. 

Grateful

[Vh09]

Thank you for your reply, Grateful.

i am relieved to hear that I am not being unreasonable to be hurt when my husband is ok with me being treated this way. He almost had me convinced that maybe I was wrong and should just accept it. 

My husband spends most of his time in the front of the house in the master bedroom which has a parent retreat attached to it, with a tv, couches etc. I stay in a room at the back of the house next to the babies whilst he stays in the master bedroom way down the front. It is his decision for things to be that way, which makes me feel alone but I accept it as it seems to be what he needs.   So he has a space of his own, but he spends more time there than anywhere else. I never make him do anything around the house and never pressure him to be with me or the babies. I'm not sure if that is the right thing to do, just to let him decide and go at his own pace. It does mean that the babies and I are often alone.  I think he needs to get some hobbies, and have always suggested he do this, like tennis or something similar.  I think he is starting to see that it would do him good, I just hope he finds the motivation to join up.

I know what you mean about mums not having to be bubbly all the time, I guess I just try and compensate for my husbands absence, and they are such happy babies who laugh and smile so much, I don't want them to lose that. 

[Pixie15]

Hi Vh09,

It would seem that your husband is okay on the man cave front. Although even if it his choice to separate he may still be feeling the loss of your individual attention.

I think that hobbies is something that everyone has to decide for themselves. However if there is something that he likes to do it might be good to encourage him especially if it improves his moods. 

Do your have other friends with babies and young children? If you don't it might be worth looking for a play group or something in your area. It might help to talk to other (especially new) parents and see how they are coping.

If your partner is not doing anything with the babies. Is there something that you could get him to do. Maybe not bathing. My husband would not do that. I thought he was a bit afraid at the time even though I did not really know back then that he suffered anxiety. He did other little things though which helped at the time and gave them some time together. Babies can seem very fragile.

Also as far as being hurt by someone's treatment. When I did therapy last year one of the things the psychologist got me to do is a list of my expectations of how I expected to be treated. It was really useful for helping me to think about if my expectations were unreasonable or not.

Cheerio,

Grateful.

[Jac9]

Hi Vh09,

I've only joined the community forums today in search of help for my child's anxiety but saw your post and wanted to see how things are going for you now?

Although my situation is different, I could empathise with what you've been experiencing as I also had an emotionally absent and depressed husband during the birth of our second child that should have been a wonderful time. He was never diagnosed with depression but there was no other explanation for his behaviour. It was like living with someone physically but who was not there mentally. To make it worse, our second daughter was a sick baby and I had to deal with it all alone. She is now a teenager and suffers from anxiety which I'm sure she has inherited.

It was that point in my life that I realised I couldn't make a difference to his behaviour, I had done as much as I could to make him understand the damage that was happening to our family. It was then that I realised I needed to focus on myself and my children, which was what I did. I started living my life and doing the things that made me happy. He was socially inept and never wanted to go anywhere, he didn't like me visiting my family without him etc but I forced the changes. I did the things I needed to do to survive for my own mental health. I joined the ladies tennis to have an outlet, I forged my own social outlets and I put my foot down and visited my family without him. Eventually we grew further and further apart as I became more and more independent. After ten years of this, I left him and now he has a new girlfriend putting up with his emotional absence. I have become stronger mentally and emotionally and I'm following my own direction in life (still single after 5 years now, I am probably still somewhat scarred) but happy 🙂

My point? From reading your post I can see that you are very much in love with this man, as I was with my husband, but the relationship is bringing you down. You can't do anything to change his state of mind or his behaviours, either therapy or medication may help control his depression but the way he is treating you and allowing his family to treat you goes beyond his depression. If you can find the strength, for you and for your twins, don't live by his doings, live by your own because you too have a choice. What I'm trying to say is... whether you choose to stay with him or not to stay with him, don't allow him to control your life. It is yours to control.

Best wishes, Jac

[Vh09]

Jac,

thank you SO much for your post. I read it and started crying immediately as I could tell you completely understood what I am going through. That alone was a huge relief. Your advice was so helpful to me at a time when I am still getting little to no support. 

Things have gotten even worse, with my husband saying he does not want me and he does not want the babies, amongst many other hurtful and soul destroying things. We continue to sleep at opposite ends of the house, with him refusing to help with the children and me having 100% care of the children. Our home (which I love) will be going on huge market and I am desperately trying to find the babies and I a home to move into. It is so scary and I feel like I am hanging on by the a thread. I have begged him not to let us go, rung every number possible to get help, but he refuses any regular therapy or couples counselling. His family still blame me and are not even questioning his decision to separate from me and the babies, they won't even contact me to see if I will be ok coping with no income and two 8 month old twins. He still backs them up, even though his mother still sends me hurtful texts blaming me for his slow recovery. My family are still very fickle in their help, and my sister told my mum that I can 'get stuffed and suffer'. The heartlessness of people tears me apart.

i still love my husband so much, and the awful thing is that after everything he says and does I don't want to leave him. I feel like he doesn't really know what he is doing, he is very ill. But I wonder whether I am convincing myself that he doesn't really mean it, but maybe he needs to be away from us. I still don't know what to do, but it looks as though the decision has been made for me. I just don't know how I am going to get through this. I guess I am already a single mum, but going out on my own with two babies is scary. I worry about what will happen to him, but maybe his decision to cut ties with us means he doesn't want us to be there for him anyway.

[Nordi]

Awesum response.. Glad ur finally happy..