Going around in circles

[Ely]

Hiya, I am new to this forum so hello to everyone. I am just looking for some advice and anyone's similar experiences they want to share to help me manage this situation. I really feel my husband is and has been experiencing depression over the last several years. He goes through good and bad patches but can be easily triggered and really struggles to manage his stress levels. I am worried about his health and the amount of stress he puts himself under. I feel I am being patient and trying to support him as much as possible but I just feel we constantly go around in circles. It's a constant cycle of negativity. I feel he has very low self worth and has been in a job for 10 years where he gets treated badly by his supervisor and made to feel really undervalued however encouraging him to move on just brings up so much resistance. He comes out with all these excuses 'i will never get anything else, I am s***, no one will want me'....but is so unhappy. He won't even look for work it's just resistance! His moods can be really bad and he will constantly moan about everything finding it really hard to see any positives. He can erupt form 0 to 10 in three seconds and (is never violent towards me) but starts hitting things and throwing things around. It's getting to the stage that I stay quiet around him if he's stressed out of fear he will explode. He says he will get help and reports to feel so low and helpless but after saying it he never does it! The same conversation is going around in circles. He hardly eats, doesn't sleep and is addicted to marijuana. Again, that has been going on for years. He is such a beautiful person and deserves so much more. In summary, he has no value for himself and hates everything about his life although deep down feels stuck and unable to change it. I am starting to feel so oppressed by his moods and know he has to be the one that changes himself. He continually confides in me and I want to support him but feel I am his partner, social worker and psychologist! I need him to get help but don't know whether an ultimatum is a good way however I am starting to feel that's the only way as these conversations just go round and round and I feel I am just stuck in his helplessness and feelings of stagnation! I don't know how best to approach it but really feel he needs therapy. At the moment I feel I want to stay away from him as it's a continual dark cloud of negativity. Any help and advice would be very appreciated. Thank you!

[geoff]

hi Ely, I'm sorry for your situation, however if his supervisor is continually telling hm to move on is not going to make it any easier for him to go to work plus it will make him angry.
At the moment I don't feel as though you want to be someone who he confides in, and I say this because he off loads everything to you but won't do anything about it, except to smoke marijuana which is not going to help him and only going to continue how he feels, but I'm sure he is not going to stop because he can't see any light.
Sometimes people need an ultimatum to make them aware of their situation, but sometimes it can make them worse, but he is at bottom now so he can't go any further.
He doesn't know whether he will get another job, he is only assuming this, but I don't like using that word 'assume' because it's very abstruse and open to many different meanings, however his only solitude is the weed, but that would be too frightening to even suggest he stop because of his mood changes.
He could start by going to an employment agency where a different job maybe available, however the application may require him to do a drug test which he won't pass as weed stays in his system for a long time, but when he knows about this test then he won't even apply, so again it's catch-22.
Being in denial and smoking weed is going to make it be very difficult for you, so you now have to make a decision whether you want to listen to him and not doing anything about it, or whether you tell him to get help or you're going to leave. Geoff. x

[Miche1979]

Hi Ely

I had tears in my eyes tonight reading this as it is uncannily close to our situation. Like your partner, my husband has been very depressed for at least a year, and like you I feel like we are going around in circles. My husband is constantly stressed by awful situation at work and really loathes himself. It breaks my heart as he is a very kind generous person. And like your husband he loves his weed which just does nothing. It's so hard to be patient and caring when everything is so negative.

Personally (and I speak from experience)I don't think ultimatums are useful. If you threaten to do something like leave him you will never be able to take that back and even if nothing comes of the ultimatum that's what he will remember.

My husband has sought help this year and things are very slowly getting better. I think it's important to emphasize that you are not an objective person to confide in. You love him too much to be hid counsellor too! Men find it really hard to seek help so that first step was a huge one. Even just going to see the gp, or, confiding in a mate can assist.

I know where you are coming from though and it is terribly lonely and hard when someone you love so much suffers. Please drop me a line and let me know how things are.

Michelle