Boyfriend with Depression - and I have anxiety

bohobabe10 · ‎29-10-2016

I met my boyfriend one year ago. I was aware he had depression but in the beginning of dating everything seemed fine. Six months in my boyfriend was admitted to hospital. It was extremely rough, I was dealing with my first almost successful semester of university. That first time was so rough, I almost broke up with him but we made it through. The second time he was admitted it went better, I managed to scrape through. Lately he has become increasingly clingy, which is so much pressure. He says things like "I don't know where I would be with out you" "You are the one thing I wake up for in the morning". I got physically unwell, my university semester was suffering and I didn't want to see my boyfriend or message. I just got out of hospital the day before from surgery and my boyfriend informed me that he was returning to hospital a third time. He'd been putting it off because he didn't want to loose me, he thought if he went I wouldn't be able to handle it. My parents wanted me to not be replying to messages he sent all the time. I told him I wanted a break but part of me wonders how much of it was me listening to all the negative voices around me, making decisions for me when I was physically unwell and emotionally tired from a hard 6 months. Part of me wonder's if a young women like myself should be in a relationship that most adults can't handle, especially when they have mental illness themselves. Needless to say, I am beyond confused. I love him, but this is so tiring. I just want to be dating the man I love like a normal 20 year old.

SubduedBlues · ‎29-10-2016

Hi bohobabe

It takes a very special person to care for someone who has a mental health condition, it is definitely not easy. Knowingly taking this on at the young age of 20 is something very rare indeed, you are a very kind person. Thank you for being you.

The BB hotline is for more than just those who are suffering from mental health issues, they also provide support and assistance for those who caring for those that sufferer.

Mental health aside, my advice on when to take a break from a relationship is:

So long as the accumulative of all the good things about your partner outweigh the sum of the bad; So long as you appreciate the niceties, and either accept or tolerate their shortcomings; So long as you can still imaging a future together; Then in these instances, stay.
Conversely; Should the bad outweigh the good; Or you find yourself unable to unwilling to accept their shortcomings; You are not able to envisage a future; The questions you need to ask yourself are ... 1) Can I be happy without their presence; 2) Can I live without all of the positives they bring to my life; and most importantly 3) Can I live with myself, knowing that it is I that left; If you answers are all yes, then you may want to consider a change.

Your parents may be wanting you to step away, as in their mind, they foresee years of troubled waters in supporting someone with mental heath. It's not that they don't think you are capable, it is that they want what is best for you, and most of all, for you to be happy. If being with him, beside all of his faults and shortcomings, he makes you happy, then tell your parents about how he makes you feel. As a parent if either of my daughters came to me with the same issue, and were open and transparent about their feelings and desires for the situation, I know that I would support them in their decision and help wherever I could.

Best wishes
SB

Pixie15 · ‎01-11-2016

Hello bohobabe10,

I am sorry I did not see this post earlier and reply to it. I hope that you are still looking out for replies.

The things your partner is saying to you rang alarm bells for me. If your relationship is meant to be in the long run then having a break so that you can concentrate on your studies and your boyfriend can concentrate on getting well will not be a problem. I agree with your parents that it sounds like it is not healthy for either of you.

If you are a caring type of person with your own anxiety issues it will be hard to turn away from his guilt trip and that is what it is whether it is intentional or not you cant really know. You can know however that you cannot be responsible for things you cannot control. Your boyfriend may not understand this now however when he is well again.

Listen to the voices. Give yourself a break and think about your own self care. Self care is not selfish.

cheers,

Pixie.

aweekes34 · ‎05-11-2016

Hi,I just wanna say you are so strong and loyal.In reality,what is the foundation of this relationship.Are you sure you know this guy.I know his issues must be serious but i think its best if you find some family or a treatment program to give him the help needed.He seems to say stuff that implies you are all he has and if you weren't around he would be lost.The truth is he is lost and its not right tgat you are becoming sick due to this toxic situation.If u cant leave then find him a residential program to help also.....look back on the time you and he have been together and reassess the dynamic of the relationship,do you know him and is this worth the price on you as a young woman still looking for her place in life.Much love to a woman with so much to give

aweekes34 · ‎05-11-2016

I just saw two ladies had posted advice that is focused toward caring for you.They are smart woman and seem to have an empathetic vibe to the place you are in.Please do what you need to do for you.Its to much to soon.