Partner of 5 years has depression

[LoveWarrior]

My partner has just gone to the GP to get a referral for a psychologist & said he is struggling with depression. It is not clinical, he's not thinking of self harming but is very down, negative & finding it hard to function.

He very much wants to be alone - 3 months ago he said he wanted "space" to sort out his head, saying he didn't know what he wanted out of life. He went to his parents for a bit and then spent 6 weeks at our unit by himself

we have gone to therapy, and he said he wanted his own place for a while to process things, but hasn't organised it & now in our late 20s we're back at his parents.

Lately, he has really detoriated - acting nasty, no empathy for anyone else - and spends a lot of time on computer games, YouTube & numbing out a lot.

he doesn't want to be "mothered" but it feels like such an effort to even get him to make an appointment with the psychologist by himself.

how can I support him without telling him what to do? How can I look after myself when his actions are making me so sad & impacting my mental health?

i feel really out of my depth and need advice for how best to love him through this! Thank you xxx

[blondguy]

Hello LoveWarrior

Welcome to the forums and good on you for posting too!

You are right in the middle of being a wonderful partner to a guy that is 'asking for space' and trying to care and love him at the same time. Ive had depression and was 'zoned out' 20 years ago but I would have walked on broken glass to have the care you have offered. I had to get out of my 'comfort' zone and get regular therapy as well as seeing my GP for monthly check ups as he wanted to give me a fine tune

You probably dont want to hear this but.......him being nasty....zero empathy and saying he doesnt want to mothered can be signs of 1/ His true colors.....or 2/clinical depression...3/He has problems elsewhere and is hiding in his shell and from you

Can I ask what motivated your partner to go to the GP?

Going to see the psychologist was a gift for me...because they stopped me from doing what your partner is doing

Your partner might not want to go because he will be asked questions that may make him cry (excellent venting process...a great healer..to cry)

Excuse another question if I may...Have you offered to go with him to see the therapist? The reason I ask is if he refuses.....you really have a partner with a problem. At his stage of being depressed I would have been over the moon to have my girlfriend offer to come with me to a therapist.

There is only so much you can do right now LoveWarrior. You can lead a horse to water but you cant make it drink (excuse the old saying)

As per your post, your well being (general & mental health) is paramount here....all other considerations are secondary if he still refuses to have regular visits with a counsellor or especially if he stalls and refuses to go with you.

you are not alone here LoveWarrior, there are many kind people going through similar as you are that can be here for you 🙂

It would be great if you could post back when convenient for you of course

my kind thoughts

Paul

[LoveWarrior]

Thank you so much for your detailed & kind reply. It really means a lot to me 🙂

We have been to therapy together & he is always willing to go. It's just the struggle to get him to go by himself. He went to the GP because he knew he had to get the referral, and because I had encouraged him to - I said to him this is the only thing that will help you start to move through it & for me this is now a deal breaker for me. He has to start regular therapy.

i think he will, it's just managing the "in between time" and his behaviours and choices. I get so frustrated when he is slow to make the appointment, or doesn't put words into actions.

i know that's harsh - and potentially unfair when he is the one struggling - but I'm at the point where I feel he has to "try" a bit harder otherwise I will just fall apart myself.

its hard because I'm still after all these years just so madly in love with him and love our lives together, it breaks my heart to see him going through this but I also can't wait around endlessly if he won't try

thanks again!

[blondguy]

Hey LoveWarrior

You are anything but harsh. If I had a girlfriend that was 'stalling' I would do the same as you...try really hard...to a point...You have done so much, I really hope he doesnt take your love for granted. (it would be to his detriment)

You are a legend LW (your health is still paramount as you know)

Have a great weekend 🙂

Paul

[geoff]

hello LoveWarrior, a great reply by Paul.
It's very hard for anyone with depression to make a final decision, they maybe able to do this weeks ahead of time, but as the time approaches they slowly want to change their mind, only because they don't feel safe by doing this, so by putting 'words into action' don't happen, but don't blame him for doing this, although I know it's frustrating for you but it's part of having depression.
After a few visits when both of you go to therapy he will slowly gain a bit of confidence, but can I suggest that when you enter into the psych's room, then leave him there and go and sit outside, you may decide to go in and out of where he and the psych is, but prewarn the psych that you maybe doing this, so that they can support you.
Depressed people hate to be mothered, it's a type of smothering that they hate, just as asking them question after question, this only makes them close up.
It's not uncommon for him to want to be by himself, that's what happens to those suffering, but even though they want to be alone they still need to feel as though someone is there in the background, someone who will be able to support them, but he won't say that, or even admit to it.
To show your love then try and carry on as you normally do, that's not easy I know, but see if he wants to go for a drive or watch a movie, but now he is in this situation I'm worried about your our health, and unless you're an extraordinary strong person, you will need to see your doctor for advise and possible medication, because you have to be strong to help you both get over this.
I'm so sorry because this illness is so difficult to understand, but I too wish you the best, and please I hope that you can get back to us. Geoff. x