Depressed partner wants a break, I feel like I'm failing her and can't cope.

A1985 · ‎26-10-2016

My partner of 5 years has been depressed for the last 2 years. She began taking medication & became her old self again up until 6 months ago. We've always had an amazing relationship. We're best friends who've always enjoyed each other's company, we rarely fight. She became very good at hiding her feelings and I only realised the extent of how bad she really was about 3 weeks ago when she told me she wanted to kill herself. I felt so terrible, when I thought about it, all the signs were there and I had just brushed it off. I immediately took her to the doctors where they decided to change her medication. We also got her booked into see a psychologist. From the moment she started taking the medication she became so mean. She was never like this. Her aggression scares me so much. At one point I became so upset & I was trying to explain how much she was hurting me, and she began smiling like she was getting pleasure from my pain. I was so scared I had to leave the room. I've never seen anyone like this, especially her. The next night I called her at work to check she was ok and her workmates said she'd left early because she was sick. I immediately freaked out, I called her phone and she acted like nothing was wrong. I asked her where she was and she said she was at work. I told her that I'd spoken to them & she hung up. She finally answered and she told me she was smoking marijuana and didn't want me to know. I picked her up & we had a big chat & it all seemed ok. The next night she basically said she was done with me. I completely lost it. I knew it was the depression talking and I know that she loves me but I just broke down. She came back the next day to chat, told me she loved me but I'm so terrified of what's going to happen. She says she wants to work it out but needs a break. I'm so worried while she isn't here. I wrote her a letter to remind her of the good times and said I'll be here for her and that I wasn't giving up and she said she appreciated it but she still wanted to leave for a while. She's staying with a friend who smokes weed daily and I just spoke to her on the phone and she's at a club playing the pokies. This is something she'd never do, and she was laughing like she was completely fine. I'm so worried her friend is encouraging her to drink and do weed that she'll decide that it's easier without someone trying to keep her on the right track and at the same time I'm not coping with the thought of losing my girfriend of almost 5years.

SubduedBlues · ‎26-10-2016

A1985

Well done on making the decision to seek guidance. Our partners can have just a hard time in dealing with our conditions as we do; no one is immune to trial and tribulation.

First I am happy that her doctor swapped out the medication that was giving her thoughts of self harm. However, it seems as though the new side effect is also difficult to cope with.

'Smoking weed and playing pokies ... is something she'd never do' That is further indication to me that the new medicine is having negative side effects. I'd suggest that you advise your doctor and see if there is another option for her. Sometimes it is a bit of trial and error to find the right medication and the right dose for each individual. You need to be observant and speak up as soon as something that is out of character starts happening.

Best wishes
SB

Fairywings · ‎26-10-2016

Hello there and welcome I'm sorry it has taken a while for someone to come back to you but I am so glad you have joined us. I'm so sorry you are going through this atm with your partner. It does seem to me that she is beginning to lose control of things. You speak of a medication change has this change seen any improvement or is she regressing still. I guess it's hard to know if she isn't living with you 😞 I'm only speaking with experience here but the aggression and her smiling to a serious issue tells me she may be suffering from borderline personality disorder. I suffer this amongst depression, anxiety, bipolar and its not a nice thing to experience bc we become someone else so to speak and we have no control until our episode subsides. This happens to me I change luckily I have a supportive hubby who pulls me up on it and we manage it together. I will tell you that with the right medication her episodes will gradually become further apart and less severe. I have been on meds nearly all my life and I'm 36 yrs old happily married with a beautiful baby boy who will be 4 yrs old in just a few months, so I guess what I am trying to say is that there is always hope. In the meantime it's important that she gets to her appointments and possibly even back to the GP for a referral to a psychiatrist - her meds will be able to regulated through a psychiatrist. I totally get the whole idea of wanting time; she is just trying to get her head around things some things may even be frightening her so she will no doubt try and fins another way to cope. In saying this you can only do so much for her she needs to want the help and sometimes very sadly they will need to fall to their lowest point before they reach out for help and for you it's the most heartbreaking thing for you to go through. I have no doubt that you guys won't get through this it's gonna time I'm not going to lie, recovery is a journey and as long as you feel you can be supportive of her then do so xx If your finding on the other hand that the appreciation isn't being reciprocated then I would be reviewing the situation bc just remember there is only so much you can do and believe it will exhaust you to keep trying and nothing is coming of it xx I wish you all the best we are all here for you reach out to us anytime take care Venessa xx

Doolhof · ‎26-10-2016

Hi and Welcome to the community here.

It sounds to me like you really want what is best for your girlfriend. Unfortunately people can react differently to various medications. Mixing alcohol and weed with medication does not work well either.

While your girlfriend is away, I don't know how much you can help her. Keeping in touch and letting her know you care for her may be important.

Do you know much about depression? There is a lot of helpful information available on this site in the resource section.

If you feel like you need to talk to someone about this situation, you can use the help line on 1300 22 4636.

Sometimes when my depression gets the better of me I feel like running away. I am thankful I have a couple of sisters I can go to. I also bought a tent which I set up in the back yard. To me that is enough, to just have my own space. We have 5 acres so we have a big back yard!

Can you organise to take your girlfriend out on a date? Take her to dinner or even to catch up for a coffee?

Depression can be a very confusing illness. I'm sure you miss your girlfriend. You need to find ways to look after yourself in all of this as well.

Wishing you well, from Mrs. Dools

A1985 · ‎26-10-2016

Thanks for replying. It's really nice to have some support. I had seen a small improvement on the new meds, she told me she mostly felt sad but not suicidal so I think they were doing something but yes I don't know if there is any more improvement since she left. Can borderline personality disorder just appear because she's never displayed any symptoms like this before. I spoke to her twice today she called me both times. The first time didn't go so well and I could tell she was feeling bad. I asked how she was feeling and she said fine but I immediately new she was really down. She said she likes that I know her so well. But when I mentioned her coming over for a while she got really frustrated. I know that was the wrong response now and I need to just support her. But it breaks my heart to hear her hurting. I sent a message apologising and just let her know that I wasn't going to give up and she called later in the night. We just talked about our days and things went a lot better. She'd actually kept herself really busy so i think that was really positive for her. You mentioned that your husband pulls you up on your behaviour. How does he do this and how do you cope at te time. It just because, if my partner is mean and I say anything she immediately shuts down and I just feel this terrible hatred from her. Sometimes she'll apologise the next day but it takes her so long to realise how unreasonable she has been.

A1985 · ‎26-10-2016

Thanks Mrs Dools, I actually know a fair bit about depression. I've been on medication for the last 9-10 years but in the last 2 years have had no relapses. Medication works well for me and I can feel when I'm getting out of control. For my partner though, some things are so familiar to me, where other parts of her depression I just don't understand. I've been reading a lot to try and understand better and I've also made an appointment with my psychologist to come other with better strategies to cope with how she feels, support her and to prevent me falling back into my depression. I like the idea of taking her on a date or coffee. I'll organise something and ask the next time she calls. We also have 5 acres so if she comes back I might ask if she'd like a tent too, she's always loved being outside so I think that would be good for her. Thank you so much for your suggestions

geoff · ‎27-10-2016

hello, a situation like this leaves you wondering what may happen next, but if she happens to use the word 'fine'to me indicates she is not well, and if anyone says that to me the person eventually says that they are not feeling well at all but have been hiding their depression, and by this I mean any type of depression.
If this medication doesn't appear to be working the right way then it's time to go back to her doctor and have it reviewed.
By her staying with a friend who also smokes weed and probably drinks alcohol is not going to be very helpful for her recovery because she will get caught up into liking what she is currently doing, which will then make it so hard for her to break out of this routine, which will devastate you on how to help her.
If she is drinking alcohol and smoking weed there is every chance that she won't care about taking her medication, simply because she will be 'high' and then think that she doesn't need to take it, and if this does happen then it is not going to be easy for the both of you to break this cycle, especially her.
If she does mention about suicide again then you can ring the police where she will be taken to hospital under the mental health act for her safety, she may not like this, but it could be a start for her recovery as long as she doesn't see her friend, because if or when this happens then it's back to square one.
I'm really sorry that this has happened for you as well as her, but there is a reason why it has started, which she might not know about or she may know but these issues need to be addressed. Geoff.

KB12 · ‎28-10-2016

Hey A1985

Sorry to hear about your situation and you are doing an amazing job supporting your other half through this hard time. Im replying to you because i feel i share your partners story. I myself thought i was depressed 6 months ago but never acted on it turned to mates who liked to party and dragged my partner through it. I started smoking weed flat out absolutely abusing it in the wrong mind set. Didnt care what anyone thought didnt think i had a problem doing it. Was going out every weekend and pushing my partner to the side only to when i wanted her and i thought it was perfectly fine. Untill she said enough was enough yeah i thought i didnt care that turned to me smoking it more and more untill i realised what i have lost was perfect. Her breaking up with me made me hit rock bottom knowing i wasnt going to get her back and made me realise how good the good times were and what i was turning me into was a complete dickhead and it wasnt who i wanted to be, but i didnt see any of it untill i lost her. Im not saying leave her but try focus on yourself because she will crash we all do. I have only recently seen a doctor about my depression and sorting myself out but it will be a hard for her when it comes as it was for me. I just wish i had someone like yourself who stuck around. But if she is doing what sounds like i did (im not saying its the best option but it made me realise what i was doing) is by my other half having enough and cutting all contact with me it absolutely tared me apart. She is now saying she is trying to find herself and i should do the same untill we contact each other again. It hurts everyday the thoughts are unbearable sometimes but without her doing that i wouldnt have hit rock bottom to get my shit together.

I hope my story can help but i just wanted to share my experience and what made me realise.

Doolhof · ‎28-10-2016

HI again and thanks for your reply,

It is wonderful you are trying to be so supportive of your partner. Both my husband and I suffer from depression. I believe he has a bit of Asperger's as well. Quite often he just doesn't get how I am not coping when I am feeling down. I realise he just doesn't seem able to get it.

There may be parts of your own depression and your partners that you may never understand. I don't understand why I react and behave as I do. I have been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. I have learnt to bite my tongue a lot so I don't say the things that are on mind! Ha. Ha.

We all display our mental health issues differently.

For me, having a "place" of my own, like my tent is very beneficial. Sometimes I just take a chair to a different part of the block and feel more at peace. I am usually at my calmest when I am outside.

I have a table and chairs outside as well where I like to sit.

Hopefully your partner will join you on a date.

Cheerio for now and all the best with your communication with your partner. It can be difficult, but hopefully the time apart will refresh you both and add to your relationship.

From Mrs. Dools

Fairywings · ‎28-10-2016

Thanks for coming back to me the fact that she isn't feeling suicidal is such a big positive. BPD doesn't really just appear is mainly associated with being emotionally unstable so def can be around for a long time the severity of the episode/s will deepen as the person embraces this other personality as a way of coping with what is so confronting for them. It is a long-term pattern of abnormal behaviour characterised by unstable relationships with other people, unstable sense of self and unstable emotions. Its a complex mental disorder that affects people's thoughts, emotions and behaviours, making it difficult to cope in all areas of life and marked by a pattern of ongoing instability in moods, behaviour, self-image, and functioning. These experiences often result in impulsive actions and unstable relationships. My hubby says to me "I know this isn't the Venessa I married the happy loving easy going can I have her back now please" or Can I please speak to my wife now not her evil twin which is how I become, the rage inside me is from another planet he used to say the wrong things and it would just aggravate the evil in me even more and I would then fly off the handle, but now he is just walking away and now when he notices the person inside me has changed he will come back half to an hr later - in that time it's given me a chance to reflect and tell the other personality to disappear, sometimes she does not go away and I can become very irritable and frustrated so I will just leave the house with my son go for a drive or go for a drive and let off steam the rage within subsides after a while it is then that I know the other personality has gone for "now" sure enough to return 😞 but I have over the years learnt how to manage it many years ago I would have not, this takes time and practice I self talk a lot and don't feed the rage within as much as I used too It only has devastating effects self harming behaviours loss of close relationships etc. The new meds will take time to kick in I have been on mine for many years and I think I will be on them life long bc without I will just spiral and get worse off, so safe to say I need to remain on them. keeping busy is great for us sufferers it doesn't give the other personality to intrude it will do us when we r feeling at our most vulnerable 😞 same with me Sometimes I'll apologise the next day but it takes me so long to realise how unreasonable I have been most times I don't think I've done anything wrong.