Depressed husband

[Sombrero]

Hi this is my first post and Im posting to try to get some insight from others going through similar situations.

This has been a horrible year so far. About February I noticed my husband becoming distant but I thought he was overworked and stressed. By May he told me he didn't love me anymore and left me and our 2 children age 15 and 10. We have been together 19 years married for 17 of those. We were the type of couple that everyone thought was so loved up, touchy feely and that nothing would ever break us apart so it came as a big shock to hear those words and my world, and the kids world started falling apart.

He left in June to live around the corner in a room share for 3 weeks but in that time he decided we were over and he got a rental. He continued to tell me he didn't love me etc etc and I thought he had another woman (may have done but he denies to this day). We went on for about 3 months of arguing, no contact, contact, begging etc (by me as I didn't know how to deal with this situation). He seemed aloof and cold.

When I finally said enough is enough he started bombarding me with messages that he still loved me. Came around that evening was cold and aloof again and didn't want to move back in. He disappeared overnight from his rental and tells me he slept by the sea in the car. Lots of weird behaviour which I didnt/dont? believe.

Anyway finally he tells me he has been depressed felt unworthy and unloved and wanted to end it all but something clicked that he couldn't do it. Now we are in the situation where he is back home, no intimacy, still has his rental, says he loves me still and always did. But I am struggling with all my trust issues now. I constantly badger him for attention and talk about how he's feeling etc. I think I do this because we didn't talk before about his feelings and he walked but I can't stop asking for reassurance and he doesn't seem able to offer it and gets annoyed at me. He just keeps saying he's depressed and this is his answer for everything ie. aloof, ignoring behaviour, watching tv in silence, no intimacy (I get a peck on the lips and that's it) and Im struggling to know what to do for the best. He is seeing a counsellor had 2 sessions. Not on antidepressants as doesn't believe in them. I'm seeing a counsellor and am just angry and labile with my emotions. Its like I have a mental disorder now not him. Anyway can anyone give me some insight please.

[Starwolf]

Welcome to the forums, Sombrero. Congratulations for finding the courage to reach out and share your thoughts.

Due to your husband's depression, your relationship has led you through a lot of ups and downs plus the insecurity that goes with not knowing where you stand. No wonder you are feeling lost and confused...Well done for starting on counseling sessions. Sometimes, struggling alone is just too difficult.

Depression is difficult to understand for sufferers, even more so for their loved ones. It is an all-consuming illness which at times makes it impossible for those affected to take other people's feelings into consideration. It doesn't mean they have stopped loving them. Love is still there on the back burner while depression is at the forefront of the sufferer's preoccupations. It is a shape-shifting illness that comes and goes in waves.

When a wave washes over them, those affected need to be given space. Questions and prodding aggravate their feelings of helplessness and often result in pushing others away or/and withdrawing to avoid an emotional onslaught they cannot cope with. Your husband needs your support and is lucky to have it. Making sure it doesn't feel too invasive to him is the way to go.

If you scroll down to the bottom of this page, you will find helpful info in the "Facts" section as well as in the "Looking after someone" section. It is important you should also look into "Looking after yourself". Caring for someone suffering a mental illness is taxing at all levels. So please take care of yourself so that you can continue to support your husband without depleting your inner resources. Attending to your own needs is a necessity. It means making "me time", getting involved in activities you enjoy, time out with friends etc... It will also mean reviewing your expectations of what the relationship should be, taking into consideration that depression gives it a different dimension and learning to adjust.

The Carers (and Relationships) sections of the forums are also a treasure trove of info and support. A safe place to connect with others, share coping tips, thoughts and concerns...or just to express silent suffering.

Good to have you on board.