Just needing a space to vent over partner's OCD relapse

[jojo88]

Hello,

My partner suffers from OCD, mainly Pure-O, and his relationship with me is what it attacks the most (ROCD). He has been in therapy and got a really good handle on it. We had broken up because of the OCD previous to this relapse and got back together he gained insight, understanding and the tools needed to manage this disorder with his psychologist. Things were going great, he was very open about his disorder and happy. Then, over the last couple of months, he stopped attending regular therapy, and just other general life stress/events piled up on him, and he relapsed on all the progress he had made, and just like the first time, he believed our relationship is the actual cause of his anxiety.

He broke up with me apparently while out drinking with friends (when he knows he uses alcohol to cope, and uses these friends for reassurance) and just "forgot" to discuss it with or tell me. I know enough about this now, and I am a neuropsychologist myself, to know this is not the person I was in a relationship making these decisions with rationale and clarity.

He has performed so much avoidance now that he is convinced his is happy, his life is going perfectly now, he doesn't have OCD (despite being formally diagnosed) and I am the one telling him he has mental health issues, no one else.

I am just beyond frustrated that this insidious thing has returned full force, and I have been completely forced out of a relationship I did and should still have an equal say in, with or without mental disorders being a factor. The last time we reached breaking point because of his disorder he did a whole heap of extremely unhealthy and damaging things to cope, that have impacted on our relationship (excessive drinking and casual drug abuse, going on tinder to "check" his thoughts and feelings are "right," sleeping with random girls etc) and I don't want him to spiral and hit rock bottom like that again. But, being cut off, all I can do is worry about what he might be doing.

He goes back to therapy next Monday, so hopefully his psych will give him a big clip around the ears! I'm worried though that he will maintain this is a relationship issue (literally isnt) and he just wants to be single. I have met his psychologist in a number of sessions though, and I think he is a bit more clued on than what my partner portrays him to be, so I can't let that eat away at me.

I am just so lost. My partner and best friend is now treating me like a needy 1 night stand 😞

[SubduedBlues]

Hi Jojo

I've probably written half dozen responsea to your vent, but they all read like they're insensitive. So I keep deleting them. I feel your frustration in him ending the relationship without you, but don't know how to fix that one. (I'm hoping someone else may know, 'cause I sure would like to know)

Beyond the vent, how can I help?

SB

[jojo88]

Hi SB,

Thank you for your reply, but there isn't much any one can do, I'm afraid! This is completely out of my hands now, I just have to hope he will regain perspective once he re-starts therapy again so this can stop.

I am not beating myself up about it or taking any of his "reasons" personally, they are just things that live in his head and have not actually been occurring. I am just beyond frustrated an exhausted with what this disorder can do to someone you love! It is like watching a drug addict slowly succumb to the addiction until you no longer recognise the person in front of you.

Everything is playing out in the same cycle as it did the last time this happened (it isn't called obsessive compulsive disorder for nothing.....), so I am expecting he will bounce back faster than it took last time. Then maybe he will not need to "control" so much and at least unblock my number to text or whatever.

I can handle all the rumination/intrusive thoughts, and all the other compulsions, but this avoidance one really has a sting to it....I hate feeling this helpless when I am the only one knowing he has OCD (he will not tell his friends the extent of it as this would mean cutting off a compulsion lifeline for the disorder), know the severity of it and how it targets our relationship, and I can't do a single thing about it or talk to anyone else involved with him that will fully understand.

Just got to ride it out and stay focused on "me" things for now I guess 🙂

[Nikkir]

Hi jojo88,

Thank you for reaching out to us and sharing your difficult situation, I really feel for you, it must be so frustrating and exhausting and upsetting to constantly try to help and support your partner and he will not acknowledge the issues he has and how they are affecting you. You seem like a very caring and understanding person and have done everything you can to help and support and encourage your partner, he is lucky to have you. Like SB I don't know what to say because as much as I wish I could I can't doing anything to help and I don't know what advice to give except that I am happy you realised that you need to take care of yourself. Self care is so important, I know this as a carer of a person with a mental illness, I have burn't out before from all giving and no receiving. I think if you can focus on you and set some boundaries with him and maybe write a list of things that you need from your partner and the relationship to be happy, then you could set limits and let him take some accountability and give back to you. You are welcome to write back to us anytime and we would love to hear how you are going. You can also call us on 1300 22 4636 which I highly recommend and have done myself or look on our website or order brochures on self care https://www.beyondblue.org.au/supporting-someone/looking-after-yourself. I hope this is of some help. Thinking of you and best wishes Nikkir x

[jojo88]

Thanks Nikkir, sometimes just knowing you aren't alone in something like this is the biggest help.

I have learnt from the last time this happened, it completely destroyed me and I did not see the break up coming, as we didn't know he had OCD. I was at total burnout too. But, this time I am much more prepared, and can only encourage healthy behaviour and not enable any compulsions/damaging decisions and behaviour made in "brain fog." Unfortunately, this time, that has resulted in my being cut off a lot quicker!

I also have a fantastic psychologist who treats OCD too, so I get a lot of insight and support from him. Trouble is I can't put him in my pocket and pull him out every time I need to talk!

When he is managing his disorder, everything is great and he treats me better than anyone has, we've spoken openly about needs and when they aren't being met, and respect each others boundaries. But, all that goes out the window when he loses control of it! It is like a light switching off and that person I know is gone. I established rules for us getting back together, which had not been respected this time around. I asked he stay in regular therapy, was open about how he was managing so we could reassess what we needed to assist him in coping, and to not make any major life decisions in the throws of the disorder. If we can get back together after he resumes therapy, I will definitely be taking those requirements and what you mentioned into therapy along with him.

Thanks for your reply 🙂

[Nikkir]

Hi jojo88,

Thank you for your reply:) I really appreciate it! Wow it sounds like you have done alot of work on your own and with your partner to get his life on track and still continue to have a relationship, that is a great achievement. It is good that you have psychologist to guide you and give insight into how to help your partner and what he might be going through and like you I agree it would be great to have a pocket therapist. The closest I can think we will get to that is some Apps they are developing and some released but its not the same. Its wonderful that you have set boundaries with him and both worked at getting each others needs met but as you said and is often the case when he relapses then that all goes out the window 😞 like many disorders it can be so frustrating. I am really happy that you are caring for yourself and will set limits on what is healthy and what you need because honestly we are no good to anyone if we are burnt out and sometimes its hard to come back from giving to much and being so depleted. So it sounds like there may still be a chance for this relationship if he makes the effort and concious decision to go to therapy and I think that is good because it will help him and you and let you know that he is serious about making a change for himself and for you. I have learn't from my own experience unless someone wants to change there really is very little you can do. Each day is new and we hope for the best, take each day or hour or moment as it comes and you will get through this, it sounds like you are able to make good decisions and have good perspective and using your wise mind 🙂 Take care and yes we are always here and you are definately not alone even if it may feel like it. Please contact us anytime and keep going your doing well 🙂 Nikkir x