Partner with Depression irrational and blaming me

[jace]

Hi guys,

My wife has had undiagnosed depression for years and in the last few months, has began treatment and has generally improved. But I'm going through a gut wretching period of my wife not wanting to be with me, go out with me and completely resenting me for very little that happened years ago (I went surfing for a few hours when one of our baby boys was 3 days old - yes I regret it and have apologised who heartedly but apparently 'what's done is done')

We were an amazing couple and still are most of the time, but that has become worse since she has undergone treatment. I hate this because on one hand it is great to see her getting on track but it appears it will be at the expense of distroying an amazing marriage.

What I find hardest is in my eyes I've done nothing wrong. Her mother died when she was 18 and our oldest son is low functioning autistic. I feel like all the sadness and anger has somehow transfered to me surfing (I average a surf once a fortnight at the best, maybe every 3 weeks. She says we dont have any common hobbies. We never have but that never stopped each other loving each other's company or each other until now. I really tried to become involved in her dancing classes but she doesn't want me there because it's her escape, her thing and her social group and I'm not welcome.

I grew suspicious that she was seeing someone due to the fact that she resented me and was always looking to get out of the house.  

Now she wants space and has asked me to leave the house, her and our 3 boys for a few days so she can find herself and what she really wants in life on the advice of the psychologist. The psych seems to be helping get my wife on track, but it's ripping apart mine in the process.

I've seen a doctor who has diagnosed me with depression and has got me on sleeping pills and arranging psych appointments. It feels like this can't come soon enough. We've also got some marrage councilling coming up. I had some difficult moments but never considered myself depressed until a few weeks ago.

One thing that is so difficult is trying not to talk about it. All it seems to do is upset us and she finds something new to blame me for. THe strange thing is that people who have done much less for her and havent helped her in past times of need now seem to be on a pedistool whilst I'm the bad guy. It is seriously like all logic is out the window and what I thought was the best marriage in the world is falling appart and the more I carefully try to discuss it, be romantic, care for her and be supportive, the more it pushes her away. It's like the best thing I can do is nothing and leave it in the hands of her psychologist and the evil, irrational beast called depression. My life with my wife and kids is at stake

My story is very mild compared to most on this forum, I almost feel rediculous discussing this when I look at the issues people have been dealing with for years. I hope you find piece with your partner or elsewhere. Stay strong and look after youself.  I never knew how terribleand distructive  this illness could be

[vip]

Hi Jace your story is serious and bit similar to mine. I have suffered depression for 23 yrs and it has taken a huge toll on my marriage. I separated with my husband for 2yrs after him coming home from work one day when my son was 2 and me telling him i didnt love him anymore well yes he suspected and affair straight away. But this was the depression speaking. We ended up seeing a marriage counsellor which i think you should do also and we were both put on medication for our depression and then both saw a psych as well as my husband has his issues also. Then a few years ago my only son was diagnosed with borderline autism as well which took another turn in our marriage and once again we got some help with counselling and these people actually came to our home. We are back on track now and my husband used to run away from all this too by going our and leaving me at home with a little boy i couldnt control and me having severe depression . So i think if it wasnt for the professional help we would of been divorced by now so i urge you to get some help asap and get all the issues soughted . Take care goodluck and let us know how you go.

[Stephen123]

Hi Jace and welcome to the forum. You have explained your situation very well and it sounds like your going through a bit of a rough patch. What jumps out at me from your post is that it sounds like you are both doing the right thing by seeking help for the depression. You go into great detail about the issues your wife is having,( maybe this is out of concern) but you don,t mention much about any issues you might have, other than being diagnosed with depression. You are doing the right thing seeing a psych and having marriage counselling. It is early days for you Jace, once you begin counselling be honest with your counsellor listen very carefully to what they say and hang on to every word. They will be the ones with the answers it all depends on how you react to their advice.

Try not to focus on you wife's issues as much, the key will be to identify your issues and the solutions. 

It sounds like you have a great family there Jace, I think you guys are doing everything right. Just try and give your wife a bit of space but more importantly just be there when she wants you to be there. 

You said your life with your wife and kids are at stake, I,m sure you would do anything to save your family.

Just simply ask your wife what she would like you to do and simply act on what she says. it sounds like your wife is doing a good job of taking responsibility for her own issues and she is dealing with them.

you have taken the enormous first step of accepting that you have depression, well done some people don,t get that far, now you just have to be honest with your counsellors and your well on your way to saving the relationship.

good luck Jace I,m sorry if I,ve been too confronting, I just sincerely want to help. Good luck Jace

[geoff]

dear Jace, this appears to be like a double sided sword, and I'm sure that any replies will all differ.

Females in general who know or believe that their partner or spouse surfs the net looking for someone and actually dates this person, takes offence of this and even if the marriage or relationship is going along strongly then this makes it even worse, so they will cut you out of any activity or communication, I'm sorry to say.

You say that ' What I find hardest is in my eyes I've done nothing wrong', maybe or maybe not, but to her you have.

Both of you are suffering from depression, and in any relationship this means that we can do things without any logical thoughts, as they are done on the spur of the moment, without thinking of any repercussions, and depression makes us do this.

I do understand why she doesn't want you to go to her dancing classes, and I also realise that it was your way of supporting, so it's a catch-22 here.

Your marriage is a special one for you, and I would suggest that the marriage counselling is very important, and more so than individual therapy, because the relationship between the both of you is creating a large proportion of the depression.

I hope that I haven't been too harsh for you, just saying. Geoff.

[jace]

Thanks for your feedback and support guys. Just a note of clarifcation Geoff, when I said surf, I mean that I surf in the ocean on a paddle board, not a computer. But you are right that she believes I have done her wrong. The problem is it was never flagged. Looking back now I can make connects with how she was feeling. I felt like I should be able to go for a surf once a fortnight without feeling horribly guilty, but only now that I have depression, I understand exactly how much she was hurting on how depression can cloud your judgement.  I have spent more time recently thinking about what I could have improved on and I think it would of made a signficant difference. Unfortunately I discovered that my wife has been cheating on me for the last few weeks. Obviously it has been extremely painful and hard to sleep, think, operate etc. My head is a whirlpool of questions, anger, frustration and sorrow. I just wish she gave us 1 chance to properly work on it. I feel so hurt and betrayed but I see that she is in a very dark place and I acting strange. I even said we could work past it, but she didn't want to. We didn't even get to our second marriage council session. Stangely enough, I do feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. No more guilt trips, maybe it wasn't meant to be.

I still hold a small window of hope that she will realise the mistake she has made and want to work on things. THen at least we can say that she gave it a go. I'm just not sure I can get past the issue of trust now.

[geoff]

dear Jace, this issue of trust is something I could never get over with my ex, as I caught her twice ringing from a public phone and all sorts of other problems that I appeared to associate with my distrust.

Once bitten twice shy, and I just couldn't clear my head as all these thoughts were running through me, and when you are in depression they are magnified. Geoff.

[mum]

Dear Jace,

 when I had depression the doc told me to go out and do something I like to do, it will make u feel better which it did, so surfing once a f/n is really not enough.

its very hard with both of you diagnosed with depression and having a young family who need parents with them. If your wife has seeked attention fm another man perhaps that's to make her feel better as he wont know she has depression and shes living another life to escape the one she has. In time she will realize that she cant hide depression it will strike. I think you 2 may need some time apart, I don't like to say that but only because you both have depression you cant support her whos supporting you jace. If you have any holiday leave at work take it and do something or together if you must. good luck.  Mum