Partner with depression - hoping for advice

lioness18 · ‎09-10-2018

I am supporting my partner who suffers with depression. We have been together 2.5 years and episodic depression is something which he has struggled with the entire time we have been together. Generally we have a very happy relationship, we love eachother very much and barely argue. His depressive episodes are sporadic and he has extended periods of time where he is absolutely fine. Generally his low points come at times in our lives where things are unsettled or we are struggling with money. Due to pursuing his passion taking him across the world and back again, he has not got a career as he has had to take more casual work that has offered him flexibility. He is now approaching 30 and although I try to tell him that when he's 80 he'll look back at this time and be happy that he pursued his passion rather than get a career, during down points he feels very worthless because of this. I feel that most of his depression is circumstantial - in that he is triggered by stressful situations in his life - e.g. moving abroad, not having any money, being stressed about getting a job etc. When he is down, I find it extremely difficult to support him. I'm desperate to help him but he won't talk to me and I am the only person who truly knows the extent of his depression. He pushes me away and flips between telling me he's not good enough for me and lashing out at me about small things. He won't get help because he doesn't want to be medicated and doesn't feel that talking to a professional would help. He knows how to help himself in terms of diet, exercise and meditation etc but when he's at his worst he can't bring himself to follow those basic principles and I can't make him do it. I find it extremely stressful and draining and I feel completely helpless/useless. I'm terrified he will break up with me because he thinks he's not good enough for me or worse, that one day in an extreme low he may hurt himself. I can't talk to him about how I feel and the impact it has on me because he can't support himself let alone support me through how I feel about this at these times. Anytime I have tried to talk to him about how it makes me feel he has called me selfish and I have learnt that that is fair, but I don't have any support or anyone to talk to about it myself. I really don't know how to help him or to help myself. Any advice would be welcomed.

Puppies · ‎09-10-2018

Hi Lioness18!

I'm glad you've come to these forums! They have helped me over the last few years as I feel that some people understand better when it happens to them too (i.e., parents/friends may not fully understand).

I feel that my situation is very similar to yours! My partner and I are a little younger, but we have been together for over 4 years and throughout this time my partner has also struggled with depression and anxiety. As you said, the depressive episodes seem to come on quickly, after he is seemingly happy/going well. My partner also pushes me away, chooses not to talk to me, and says he wants space. This is extra difficult for me because we are long distance. I also agree that the depressive episodes seem to come on with triggers, e.g., stress from work, a small argument between us (which then turns into something much bigger because of his thought processes). I also find it difficult to support him, because for me to support him I need to understand how he feels and what he needs from me. He often doesn't tell me because he either can't, or chooses not to.

However, I don't agree with you not being able to talk to him about how you feel. I understand that he may not be able to support you to the best of his ability if he is dealing with his own stuff (this is what my partner has said to me most recently), but you do have every right to voice your feelings. If he is never listening to you about how you feel, or only ever tells you that your feelings make you selfish, then I do not believe this is fair.

My partner and I are going through a rough time at the moment, but we have organised to talk in the next few days about everything that's going on and so we can get everything out there. It's important that your partner is willing to talk with you about your feelings too.

I have realised most recently that I also do not know how to help myself, or to take care of myself when I'm feeling down. These forums have helped me, especially because they are anonymous and the responses I have received have been helpful rather than more personal about whether he's a good boyfriend or not (this may sometimes happen when discussing with friends/family members who want the best for you). I find that there are so many people going through similar things, and to hear from someone who has a similar experience can be very helpful.

Please post again when you can!

I am running out of words but I hope this helped!

- puppies

bee1987 · ‎17-10-2018

Hi there,

I am so glad I found this online forum. My husband has been struggling with anxiety and depression since we first got together 4 years ago. About two years ago I finished a degree in education and got a job where we had to move. He has been studying and working part time, but has been getting horrible jobs that only make his depression/anxiety worse. When talking recently it has come out that he doesn't feel like a man because I support him financially. We discussed this before moving up and the fact that since I will be earning more than what we were both making at the time, that he could study and find his passion.

Recently he was offered a traineeship in a field that he is interested in developing a career in and so he accepted the job, which required him to get training away from me for approximately 5 weeks. He has tried to push me away before and I feel like if this doesn't work out he will leave.

Does anyone have any advice. He gets this idea that even though he loves me more than anything, that I would be better off without him. He doesn't understand that isn't the case. I just don't know how to make him understand that I want to be here to support him, that we can get through it together.

Puppies · ‎17-10-2018

Hi bee1987!

I've been posting on this site since July 2016, and although I may go months without posting/reading, I find that if I do need it, it helps me feel less along (especially when people respond with some advice or similar situations).

I totally understand what you're saying in regards to your partner pushing you away. My partner does this often, and it leaves me feeling isolated. Why won't he come to me and discuss problems, rather than talking to friends or family? I'm happy for him to talk to other people, especially for support, but to me it just seems like I am never kept up to date with what is happening, and if he does talk to me about things, it's only because I've persisted, or we've not spoken in a while.

I can only help you based on my own experience, but the advice I would give is that he does know you are there for him. It is up to him to discuss things with you, and I find that this only happens once he realises it himself that you are there and that it is helpful for him to talk to you. As their partners, it is our job to help, we want to support them and we feel isolated and helpless when they choose not to talk to us (for me it's because I feel left in the dark, and I need to know what's going on in order to be able to help him).

I am not sure if you've looked at the other forums as yet, but there are many helpful posts in there from how to support your partner to how to take care of yourself.

Based on my own situation, I know that long-distance makes communication and support very difficult, so if you are living together I would suggest letting him know that you are there and that talking (and having you both listen to each other) will be beneficial for the both of you. However, this will only happen if he sees the benefits himself, and pushing for a discussion may only make things worse (personal experience lol)

Please post back when you can!

- puppies