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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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Calli Not coping with a bipolar 2 husband
  • replies: 8

Hi, I'd appreciate any insight into the below. My husband and I have been together for 7 years. We've had quite a few medical issues during our relationship including each of us having major surgery (his meaning that he can no longer fully participat... View more

Hi, I'd appreciate any insight into the below. My husband and I have been together for 7 years. We've had quite a few medical issues during our relationship including each of us having major surgery (his meaning that he can no longer fully participate in the sport he loves and was very good at), me having life threatening blood clots twice, a miscarriage, me experiencing perinatal anxiety and then life threatening sepsis immediately after the birth of our child. It's felt as though it's just been one thing after the other and our relationship has suffered. We've been to marriage counselling to try to resurrect some fun and love into our marriage as I was carrying him through life (something he agreed with and he was a willing participant at marriage counselling). I felt that my husband was also depressed and encouraged him to seek help. Fast forward visits to our family doctor and two psychiatrists and he's been diagnosed with bipolar 2. Anyway, hubby doesn't fully agree with the diagnosis and thinks the diagnosis doesn't take into account some of the tough times we've had. As a result, he's slow making any follow up appointments, doesn't stick to any psychological or lifestyle treatments (e.g. doesn't stick a mood tracker, doesn't stick to mediation, doesn't stick to taking fish oil, eats inconsistently) and is very reluctant to take drugs to manage it. The result is that I just feel so angry and frustrated. We have a toddler and I don't feel as though I have a husband anymore - I have another child to manage and I'm not coping. He's a great father (he jokes that because he's the same mental age as our toddler), but 80% of household responsibilities sit with me. We've addressed it in counselling, but given I know he has lows I just don't know where to go from here and the counsellor didn't really factor his bipolar into our sessions. I really want us to have a happy marriage, but it pains me to say that sometimes my life is easier when I don't also have to do all the thinking for him too and worry about his moods. I don't know where to go from here. I'm not even sure how anyone can help! But any advice or insight would be much appreciated. Thanks

MxBeaker Partner with Depression and Eating Disorder
  • replies: 2

So I've been with my partner for 4 years, engaged for 1 with the wedding in 12 months. She has always had some mental health issues but it is getting to a point where I cannot cope anymore and I don't know what to do. We have always been open to each... View more

So I've been with my partner for 4 years, engaged for 1 with the wedding in 12 months. She has always had some mental health issues but it is getting to a point where I cannot cope anymore and I don't know what to do. We have always been open to each other about each other's struggle and what we need, but it starting to develop a pattern of me doing whatever I can to help her and her saying she can't do what I need (I.e. help with housework as she's never been a "clean person"). I'm working my butt off trying to help and all I'm getting back is "you're not doing enough" and "you're not doing it right". I can't talk to any of my friends about it because all of our friends are mutual and I know she has been complaining about me to them - I don't feel comfortable even seeing them. I'm trying not to lose sight of who she is when not having a mental health moment but it's getting so damn hard. I don't want to talk away because I love her but it's getting so hard to stay. I feel like I have morphed into a carer rather than a partner. I don't know what to do and I hate that I'm having these thoughts.

celina99 Boyfriend with depression, long distance, difficult situation
  • replies: 3

Hey everyone! So my problem is that I am currently here in Australia, while my boyfriend is at home in Germany. He‘s always shown depressive tendencies (constantly tired, lacking in drive/motivation), but I never took it too seriously, because he als... View more

Hey everyone! So my problem is that I am currently here in Australia, while my boyfriend is at home in Germany. He‘s always shown depressive tendencies (constantly tired, lacking in drive/motivation), but I never took it too seriously, because he also suffers from ADD. We used to have a really loving, close relationship, even after I started my time abroad. However, the past two months his behaviour changed and we seemed to fight about the same topic over and over: He had stopped putting in the effort he used to put in, I constantly had to fight for affection of any kind, I felt like he had lost interest in what I told him and me in general. After he came back from an exchange a few weeks ago we were about to fight about this again, because he was really distant. He didn‘t want to talk on the phone. He read my messages, but took several hours to reply (extremely short and unaffectionate). He didn‘t say "I love you“ back when I said it. After a few days I was really angry and hurt and asked him if he was aware that he was treating me really badly. It was only then that he finally told me what was going on: he seemed to have a depressive episode (he‘s not diagnosed that‘s why I‘m not saying he‘s actually suffering from depression). He said that he hates his life, all he can feel is pain, hate, sadness and anger. When I asked him if anyone knows about it he said no and that nobody could understand him anyway. That all of this would never end anyway. He even said that he is questioning his faith (we‘re both christian) which he has never said before. I asked him how he wants me to behave towards him and he said that he needs time to himself now to figure everything out, because he doesn‘t know what to do anymore. I told him that I am always there for him if he wants to talk, but that I’ll give him space. We‘ve hardly been in contact since. I‘m so worried about him, I want to be there for him, but he pushes me away. He needs help, but he doesn‘t want any. I‘m so far away from him and can‘t really do anything. I don’t know what our relationship is now. I respect that he needs time, but I‘m really hurt. I have my own mental health issues (more or less recovered ed) that have become worse again. I‘ll be home in four weeks, but I‘m afraid that that‘s too long. I‘m not sure if I should tell his mother or our youth pastor, because if he finds out I told them he will be angry at me I think (understandable in a way). Any advice? Sorry, I know this is really confusing

Dezzzz Narcissistic Partner Abuse
  • replies: 1

My Partner of 7 years has been ABUSIVE his entire life but blames everyone else...I'm separated from him but he will not stop the ABUSE.. I BLOCK him at every avenue but don't know what else to do... Can police help with this situation... HELP View more

My Partner of 7 years has been ABUSIVE his entire life but blames everyone else...I'm separated from him but he will not stop the ABUSE.. I BLOCK him at every avenue but don't know what else to do... Can police help with this situation... HELP

Atimb Girlfriend is lost and doesn't want help
  • replies: 2

Hello, I've been with my girlfriend for about a year now and she mentioned to me relatively early in the relationship that she has been diagnosed with BPD, Complex PTSD as well as an eating disorder. She lives at home with her mum and dad and constan... View more

Hello, I've been with my girlfriend for about a year now and she mentioned to me relatively early in the relationship that she has been diagnosed with BPD, Complex PTSD as well as an eating disorder. She lives at home with her mum and dad and constantly conveys how dis functional and abusive the house environment is towards her. She has never had a job and doesn't attend school, she's always mentioned how difficult it is for her to get up in the morning but she refuses to reach out for help because of past experiences with therapists which proved futile. She's been to rehab for a previous drug addiction where she encountered numerous therapists. She believes if she moved out that it would help her condition but she has no plan or income on how to take on that process. I'm writing this thread purely to seek advice on how can I further help her in whatever she wants to achieve. I've never experienced mental illnesses this prominent until encountering this relationship. All advice is greatly appreciate! Thankyou,

May19 Partner of 10 years has shut me out
  • replies: 1

Hi all, My partner of 10 years has been suffering from depression and anxiety for a while now. He started treatment about 4 months ago. He is an alcoholic in denial and uses drinking to self medicate as well as the medication he has been prescribed. ... View more

Hi all, My partner of 10 years has been suffering from depression and anxiety for a while now. He started treatment about 4 months ago. He is an alcoholic in denial and uses drinking to self medicate as well as the medication he has been prescribed. We don’t live together and over the past few weeks he has ignored the majority of my messages and texts. I’ve seen him twice in 3 weeks where we would usually see each other most days. 4 days ago he told me he would call after work and never did. I found out he was at the pub with some friends. I also found out that night that he had told another woman that he loves her. I messaged him about it and he denied it. The next day I asked him to call me to discuss and he told me that he was trying to sleep and that he had been arrested and fired from his job that day. He refused to say anymore so I called his mum who told me that he had had a bit of a meltdown the night before, had never come home and they had found him drunk on the school oval where he works. Since then he has told me that he needs space and that he can’t deal with any arguments right now. I have not heard from him since. I want to know what I should do? I know that he is suffering and I want to support him. At the same time I am suffering too, I can’t eat or sleep obsessing about what has happened with this other woman and what is going on with him and what is going to happen with us. i just wish that he would have a discussion with me so that if the relationship is over I know and can grieve. At the moment I have just had days of radio silence, I have no idea what is going on and I feel like I’m in limbo. I worry that he will just never contact me again. I don’t know how to cope.

DLSH My mum has severe anxiety and depression...looking for ideas for support.
  • replies: 1

Hi, I’m 26 years old with a toddler and a brand new baby, my parents and I are super close and would normally see each other daily or at least every second day. Around November 2017 I noticed a few changes in my mums behaviour and personality that us... View more

Hi, I’m 26 years old with a toddler and a brand new baby, my parents and I are super close and would normally see each other daily or at least every second day. Around November 2017 I noticed a few changes in my mums behaviour and personality that usually arise when her anxiety is spiralling out of control. Being the busiest time of the year and with me being heavily pregnant and having health issues she definitely tried her best to hide it from me. Mum’s panic attacks became more regular and by mid January she has spiralled so far out of control and into depression that she started having suicidal thoughts and finally we sought help! its been a huge battle and we are still helping her fight it but basically she has tried a few meds and is on one now that gives her lots of side effects...she feels frightened to take them everyday and it is a daily struggle of questioning whether or not it’s right even with reassurance from medical professionals. She feels highly sedated but remains in a heightened state of anxiety all day! Mornings are her worst and so she is sleeping at her friends house with my Dad so that she is definitely not ever alone because she is so scared. my Dad is trying his best but he is really struggling emotionally and also he is normally so hyper he is up at the crack of dawn and constantly distracted so leaves her alone from time to time. He wants to make her better and I feel he is getting frustrated with the situation. He doesn’t show it but Mum knows what he is like so she instantly feels like a burden and the guilt factor is building since Dad has had 3 months of work to care for her. She hasn’t eaten or slept properly since December and has drastically lost weight (2 dress sizes maybe more now). She is the most kind hearted, amazing women and through all of this is trying to protect me and my boys from seeing her like this which I’m trying to be respectful of but at the same time she is my best friend and I miss her like crazy...I’m yearning for my mother especially after just having a baby. im at a loss of what to do or say when I’m with her...I try exercise, distraction, talking, silence...I’ve bought her a journal that prompts her to fill things in to help clear her mind at times or focus on things that make her happy, I’ve bought her worry beads just as a thoughtful type of thing hoping it will be distracting but also make her focus on her breathing as a tool during times of panic or tears. I would love some advice. Thanks

Soulmumma Advice needed for heartbroken mum - 15yr old son depression/suicidal
  • replies: 12

Hello community I am hoping someone might offer some suggestions on how to help my son through the tougher days. We are seeing counsellors which is going well but there are times it gets all too much for him and I have to leave work to collect him fr... View more

Hello community I am hoping someone might offer some suggestions on how to help my son through the tougher days. We are seeing counsellors which is going well but there are times it gets all too much for him and I have to leave work to collect him from school (if he's managed to get there that day) we also find Sunday nights are bad - he has gone to bed feeling nauseous and has created an anxiety physical response to thinking of going to school tomorrow. More recently not eating alot either. I would really like to find some strategies for me to help him help himself when he gets low like this It's so heartbreaking to see him this way. I would especially appreciate some tips on how to chat with him to allow him to get through a whole school day. Attendance is a major concern for him at the moment. Pressure from the school about this is not helping either just another thing for him to worry about!

Beck78 Help
  • replies: 1

Hi, I’m reaching out because I need some advice about a close friend who suffers from anxiety and depression. What can I do to help my friend ? It’s breaking my heart to see him this way. I always let him know that I’m willing to listen without judgm... View more

Hi, I’m reaching out because I need some advice about a close friend who suffers from anxiety and depression. What can I do to help my friend ? It’s breaking my heart to see him this way. I always let him know that I’m willing to listen without judgment and be there whenever he needs me. I ask open ended questions but the only answer I get is “im ok” and I know this isn’t the case. Any advice would be greatly appreciated

Charlee123 Bipolar husband... im torn what to do
  • replies: 5

Hi, this is my first time here, i have been through so much that i need someone to talk to. My husband (been together 20 years)has (finally) officially been diagnosed as bipolar and manic depressive (more manic then bipolar) but it changes. He has ty... View more

Hi, this is my first time here, i have been through so much that i need someone to talk to. My husband (been together 20 years)has (finally) officially been diagnosed as bipolar and manic depressive (more manic then bipolar) but it changes. He has type 2 diabetes, and bipolar AND does not take charge of his medication, he has a dr appointment for the 23rd Feb, and is notoriously a dr avoider. We have had troubles in the past 3 years as he has been mentally exhausting (oh and has a wonderful ice addiction which he has had for 20+ years - the dr recons its lasted due to the undiagnosed bipolar). He has seperated from me as i have changed (apparently), but he cannot see how much he doesnt do for himself, its like for the past however many years he has stopped wanting to live and gets me to do everything. (even has called me up to do stuff on excel at work for him). and im over it. But i love him, and when ever hes been manic (i guess) and things have been hard we always make it work.... but now im not so sure. we have 2 boys (7 and 5) and own our house. He always wants me to change. no back chat, do what he says when he says, be clean (he never helps) stop being negative (he can talk) any way he could go on and on with whats wrong with me. It is domestic abuse, i know and yet trapped. I ve know hes not well and the drugs are no help at all. so i just need to vent.. ive left for a month, but he was at our house and i was paying all the bills so i came home as i was struggling to live. Anyway he said i was ruining everything and we now sleep in seperate rooms. if things start to go all right the moment 1 thing doesnt go the way he expect its like the end of the world. im a useless human and he doesnt know why hes still there. i keep saying its the mental illness as the moment passes and hes ok , but has the memory of me thats now tarnished and its like its growing into hate. im so tired and stressed, i have panic attacks (now supressed but medications) but what to i do, do i stay / leave, my parents cannot cope with me being at home it caused them such anziety and stress. i have the boys to look after and he is a high functioning addict, so smart and can turn pretty much any situation to his advantage. Anyway, thanks for letting me let out the things ive been in. Oh apart from the occasional yelling he is good with the boys (although i am reluctant to leave them with his as he sleeps a lot due to not being medicated properly) AAAAAhhhhhhhhhhhhh