Helping partner with Anxiety and Depression

[GwennieJane]

Hi my partner has suffered from depression for 20 years now and anxiety for the last 2 years. He also has an issue with alcohol and using alcohol as a way out of his depression/anxiety. He is currently seeking help from his GP and a physchologist, however I struggling keeping things going and keeping my emotions in check when I am around him. I need to work as he is now off work and as we all know the bills still need to be paid. My wage is not enough to support us and whilst we have savings it won't last forever. My concern is that whilst he is getting help, he seems to continually turn to the old help of the beer and will then binge drink until 2 or 3 in the morning, by this time he wants to talk about he feelings and he then is keeping me up worrying about him, he gets very critical of me or maybe of himself and portrays it as my problem. We are currently sleeping in separate bedrooms as he can't get past my loud breathing to get to sleep, he says I snore, but hey so does he. When he turns to the beer I get really upset because I know what is going to happen, get drunk, don't eat, want to talk about the same things we spoke about the last time and time before that and so on, then sleep the next day and be hung over for 2 days. When we do talk when he is drinking it always goes to the same conversation about issues he has from his childhood as the conversation goes on he turns the conversation around and tells me my bad points, and basically makes me upset. I know its not intentional and he is all apologetic the next day. But I also know that he tends to be truthful when he is drinking, so I am always wondering if thats how he really feels? He says no but hey you always wonder. I need to find strategies to stop me getting so upset when he drinks and avoid the talking that gets no real gain. I know I try and compensate and alleviate his anxiety and maybe that gets annoying to him, I don't really understand how much I should be doing and how much I should be leaving things to him. I wonder whether taking time off from work would help or not. His good days are pretty good but his bad days turn bad, at the moment the bad days are between 1 and 3 a week. Is this normal? Sorry for the long post.

[geoff]

Hello GwennieJane, I'm sorry no one has replied back to you, my apologies.

Your comment needs more time than I have at the moment, however, it involves alcohol and I will certainly reply when I get home in over an hour, I'm sorry, but your thread has been pushed back to page 1.

See you shortly.

Geoff.

[geoff]

Hello GwennieJane, I'm sorry I had to leave but now I'm with you and again my sincere apologies for not having anyone respond back to you.

It's a difficult situation you are in and perhaps if I can say that I self medicated with alcohol in my days when I was depressed.

It's OK to talk with someone in the early hours of the morning, only if something is gained, but it seems to be going around in circles, not achieving much at all and ends up criticising you, and that's where another problem begins, because what this does is make you anxious and depressed, and now you need help.

Taking time off work is not going to be any benefit unless you are living by yourself or with someone you trust and that's what I suggest because now you need to look after yourself, that's your first priority.

It's your partner who has to decide if and when he wants to stop drinking and being 'good' 1 to 3 days a week can be how an alcoholic drink, but certainly doesn't mean that he can control his drinking, he can't.

Consider separating but I'd like to hear back from you.

Geoff.

[GwennieJane]

Hi Geoff

I forgot to mention we have a six year old son, who adores him, at the stage he is not impacting on our son, so leaving is not really the answer at this stage. I was more wondering on how much should I be encouraging him to quit drinking, or am I better leaving it to him. He is really trying to help himself at the moment with exercise and seeing a psychologist. I am looking after myself, I am going to whorl and do things with our son with or without him.

[geoff]

Hello GwennieJane, I'm sorry I'm a couple of days after you replied, but if you have an open relationship then you can encourage him to stop, just slowly and not every minute, but if you keep harping on it will only make him decide otherwise, let the psychologist do their work.

Please let me know how you are going.

Geoff.