15yr daughter refuses to come out of her room

[Mims]

Hello, I’m in desperate need of help. I’m feeling very helpless and so emotional that I’m not able to function. My daughter who suffers severe depression, anxiety, self harms and borderline personality disorder has totally shut her family and friends out except for her older brother. She has refused to come out of her room for about a week now. Everytime my husband and I would go in to check in on her... she screams, cries and refuses to even look at us. It breaks our heart to see her like this... she looks at us like we are strangers. I have to get my son to bring her food in her room otherwise she would starve. She also refuses to take her medication, only eats one meal a day, probably took 3 showers in the last 7 days. We are all concerned about her. Tomorrow is meant to be her first day back at school from holidays but with her current situation I don’t think she’ll be going. My main concern is her mental state. We’re all worried sick about her. We have spoken to a psychiatrist whom she refuses to see. The psychiatrist said to be patient with her and to give her time and space. I can not watch her spend her life like this. How long do we have to wait.... what can we do to get her out of her room??? My son said she is scared of people (including myself and her dad). Why is this??? Does anyone know the reason for her feeling this way? I’m lost, confused, heartbroken and helpless.

[PamelaR]

Hi Mims and welcome to our community forums

Life sounds extremely difficult for you, your family and daughter. My heart goest out to you all. I'm not sure I hae all the answers for you. There are many of our community members who have family and will respond to your post.

You ask - What can we do to get her out of her room?

The only things I can think of for your current pain and hurting is to - let your daughter know you understand she is not feeling good. Is it possible to let her stay in her room for the moment and support her while she is feeling so down? Her brother sounds like he understands, especially if she is feeling scared. Does your son know what has happened? Are you able to get him to gently talk with her about what's happened?

There maybe many reasons for her feeling the way she is. The way she is feeling currently I would not push her. Anxiety, depression and other mental illnesses are debilitating at times. I realise it's hard to stand back and watch what's occurring. Do you have anyone you can talk to? For example a close trusted friend or family member?

There are many threads in the forums about similar circumstances, you might like to do a search on our webpage for these (search field at top of page). Feel free to join in any of the discussions that you think fit your situation. Some keywords that might help you include - anxiety, depression, borderline personality, self-harm.

Keep reaching out if and when you want. You're not alone Mims.

Kind regards

PamelaR

[Mims]

Thank you so much PamelaR. I am grateful that you have messaged me with some really great advise. It’s day 9 and she still won’t come out of her room 😔

My son has spoken to her about why she is scared but her response is that she doesn’t know why she is feeling this way.

She has been diagnosed with depression and anxiety for nearly 3 years due to bullying from school. Bullying was caused by her good friends. This has happened to her in two seperate occasions. I guess this is why trust in people is very difficult for her.

She was seeing phycologists in headspace. However there has been many changes with staff in headspace that she was not happy with the changes. She was having trouble trusting people so having a high turnover in staff at headspace did not help with her condition.

Her condition became worse and started with self harming about a year ago. Also, her anxiety escalated and panic attacks would start.

We managed to get her in ICAMS but unfortunately she refused to go to therapy.

Only recently we have been seeing a child psychiatrist (without my daughter as she refuses to go). He said the same thing... to be patient and continue to show her love and support.

we are going again to see her Psychiatrist this Thursday and give him an update.

i just feel helpless at the moment. As a parent.. I just want to protect her.. but her refusal for help from her family is heartbreaking but also frustrating.

I just hope we are on the right track.

Thank you for listening to me... It helps to talk about it.

[therising]

Hi Mims

I hear your stress, your love and your sense of helplessness and, as a mum, I wish I was there to give you the biggest warmest hug.

Bedrooms are an incredibly important part of the world for young people. It is the only part of the world that they can really call their own (often decorated through their own personal expression with posters and bits 'n' pieces). Once they step out of that place of retreat, they face a world dictated by others - house rules, school rules, social rules, etc.

Having lived with depression some years back, I understand how that place of retreat can become a place of isolation, so I get where you're coming from; you don't want your daughter isolating herself, which makes perfect sense. Wondering if there are some ways you can think of connecting with your daughter who feels disconnected from life. You mention she'll eat a meal in her room. Perhaps you could have your son deliver a meal with one of those little chocolate hearts you can buy wrapped in red foil. It's a way of saying 'Don't forget how much I love you'. Just a thought. She doesn't have to eat it. She can even send it back is she wants.

I imagine your daughter can relate better to your son for a number of reasons, especially if he's caring and non-judgemental. They can relate to the pressures of school (academic and social), they're around the same age (I assume), they're going through a stage of life which requires them to establish an identity of their own and the list goes on. You can always ask your son if he believes your daughter needs you to step in, as he may be worried. His mental health and need for support is also important, given the circumstances.

I'm wondering if your daughter is scared of being judged and scared of being incapable of much needed change. Not sure, perhaps it's something altogether different. If she has her laptop in her room, perhaps you could deliver (with her meal) a list of non-judgemental resources to access (such as beyond blue). This way she can feel supported by you and those resources.

I can tell you, from experience, that although we appear to speak the same language, the brain of someone in depression interprets words differently. Eg: 'You'll be okay' can be translated to 'I'm not okay and people don't care to understand me'. 'You'll be okay' is like throwing a glass of water on a raging fire. Understanding the language of depression (that internal dialogue) is key in helping manage the fire.

Take care of yourself Mims