Newbie post - feeling lost and afraid

[Qualifying Red Flag]

Hi all, just wanted to introduce myself. I am supporting my early 20's son through his own issues and can't help but get swirled in. It is now affecting my own mental and physical health, jobs, friendships, capacity to function. I have an appointment to see a psychologist this week but I guess I am just wanting to reach out to others who are struggling in similar ways?  I totally get that I need to "fit my own oxygen mask first, before attempting to help others", hence my newbie membership on Beyond Blue. I will begin to read the wealth of resource material that I am seeing here and spend some time on these forums, it is a great comfort to me to see that I am not alone. For the record, I am female, in my early 50's, in the ACT. Thanks for reading. 

[White_Rose]

Dear QRF

Hello and welcome. I love the oxygen mask analogy, it's so true. Supporting others can be difficult at times, especially when it's your child, and you feel helpless at times. Glad that you are going to see a psych and I hope he/she can help you. BB has a lot of useful information which you can download or send for.

Some of the information is about caring for others so I recommend you get a copy of that. Some common sense stuff about caring is to make sure you eat properly and get some exercise. It's surprising how much this helps.

Can you tell us a bit more about how you are feeling? It's bit difficult to offer suggestions without know what is going on with you.

Thanks for your post

Mary

[Guest_5218]

Hello Qualifying.  I wanted to add my own welcome to that of Mary's.  Its great that you have come on here and introduced yourself.  And you're right, it is comforting to know that others are often going through something similar to yourself.  Its also nice to know that people do understand and care.  You will definitely get that here on these Forums.

Everything you say is so very true - in that you must look after yourself before you are able to look after someone else.  It must be incredibly hard to have a 20-something son who is battling some demons.  It must make you feel so frustratingly powerless to help.  

Once you have familiarised yourself with all the resources that the BB Website has to offer, for both carers and supporting family members as well as for your own mental health issues, it would be great if you come back on here and tell us a little more about yourself.  

I hope your appointment with your psychologist this week goes well for you, and you are able to put plans in place to help you get through this really tough time.

I look forward to reading further posts from you Qual.  And thanks for posting ...............    ( - :

I'm also in my 50's (mid-50's) and  I used to live in the ACT until 2002 when I moved.  Now I am on the Mid North Coast.

Please post again to let us know how you get along with your appointment this week.

Sherie xx

[Qualifying Red Flag]

Hello Mary,

Thank you so much for your swift reply...right now I am just sitting quietly with big, hot tears rolling down my face, it feels so good to finally open my mouth and speak about how I have been travelling for what seems like ages. My son has a number of health issues, he becomes easily distressed, frustrated, suicidal at times. He is in the care of an excellent doctor but is reluctant to engage in talking therapy just at the moment. I am not a doctor, I am just a Mum and find myself in the awful position of being his only confidante at the moment. It is so frightening, my own anxiety levels are off the charts during times of his high stress. I feel any or all of fear, anger, abandonment, abused, anxiety, distress, frustration, physical illness/nausea, impotence, helplessness, isolation, disconnection at various times. 

My own health is not as good as it could be. I have gained an uncomfortable amount of weight, an extra spare tyre around my middle, it is not good. The summer heat has been overwhelming. I was walking daily for awhile, this has ground to a halt and I miss it. I cannot walk in this weather, I get up so early to get enough hours in at work so morning walks are not an option at the moment. I am tired, so tired, I miss the vitality I remember in my body and mind. 

I am sorry, this has turned into dot points. There is so much to try to funnel into a forum post, like a tight bottleneck where my hands meet the keyboard. Sigh.

Thanks again, so much.

Red

[Doolhof]

Hi QRF,

I too would like to welcome you to the Beyond Blue Community. I am also 50 or just a bit over and live in S.A.

You have already received a couple of great replies. It is also wonderful to read that you acknowledge there is a problem and you are very willing to do some reading and research to find out how to improve this situation you are in. That is a huge, positive step. Congratulations.

When I first contacted Beyond Blue, I had no idea what to expect and here I am a couple of years later trying to reach out to others to offer help and support like I received when I first joined.

One thing I would like to suggest is that you try hard to keep in touch with family and friends, to do things that you find enjoyable, to make time for yourself as well as caring for your son.

Try to encourage him also to do things that he once found enjoyment and pleasure in.

Some people find it helpful to write how they are feeling in a book or on paper. Some people write down all the horrible stuff and then rip the paper up and get rid of it. Letting go of the pain and frustration can help immensely.

Hopefully the psychologist will be very helpful. You can also use the Beyond Blue help line on 1300 22 4636. I have called them plus other places like Life Line when life has been a bit tough. Have a look in your telephone book and see what other organisations are available in your region to help yourself and your son.

You are certainly very welcome to share how you are feeling and thinking here.

Other people may benefit too from some of the information you discover along your journey. We all have different things that work for us. Hope the appointment goes well.

If you want to debrief about the appointment, I am sure plenty of us here have been through similar experiences!

Cheers from Dools

[White_Rose]

Hello Red

I am so pleased you had some relief from unburdening yourself. Tears are good for you in these situations. It helps to let out all the tension, anger, sadness and any other emotion you are experiencing. Never feel you need to apologise for what or how you write here. I feel we are all broken and we all need mutual help and support.

It is good that your son trusts you with his confidences but very hard on you. My 19yo grandson lives with me at the moment. This is because his home is too far away for him to get to work from there. I have the opposite problem to you. He is always in his room when not at work and I have no idea whether he is well or not. On the whole I think he is OK and has always retreated to his bedroom when living at home. However, I worry he is cutting himself off far too much but, like you I cannot do anything.

I can also relate to putting on weight. I think as we get older we slow down on most things except our eating. Hence the spare tyre. And I also find the heat of summer uncomfortable. I live in Brisbane and the weather can be soooooo humid. I am hoping that now we are officially in Autumn the weather will take the hint and cool down about ten degrees.

I know you are going to see a psychologist this week so I hope he/she will be able to help you both with your own mental health issues and with ways to help your son. Have you spoken to your son's doctor? I know he cannot say much about your son but I wondered if you know his diagnosis for your son and if he has been able to give you some support in helping your son.

Dools has suggested you write down your thoughts feelings and this can be extremely helpful. You could record any actions or activities that help your son for future reference. It's a bit like writing on BB. Both places are safe and anonymous. Hopefully the weather will cool down soon and you can start walking again. Does your son walk with you? I imagine it would be as good for him as for you.

You say you are just a mom. but we all know moms are the most valuable and over used commodity in the world. And this is because we love our children so much. Their hurts become our hurts but we are so often unable to mend the hurt. It's not the same as when they were littlies and we could heal everything with a kiss.

Mary

[Neil_1]

Hi there Red

Just on the upcoming appointment, perhaps it might be something good to say think about the things you’d like to raise or talk about beforehand.  Jot them down on a piece of paper … so that when you’re in your appointment, and if something comes up like a memory block or similar, you’ll have your paper with you to help you out.  Just so you are able to cover as many or all of the points that you wanted to.

I’m here with you in the Nation’s Capital and really, we’ve gotta hold on to these lovely sunny and warm days … because all too soon, the damn cold will be here and then it’s batton down the hatches for the upcoming cold season.

I’m glad that you’ve already received a number of excellent responses and I also hope that things with your son can be on the improve very soon.

Kind regards

Neil

[Qualifying Red Flag]

I cannot thank you all enough for your kind words and excellent suggestions. I felt better today than I have in ages, I had heard of BB but had never looked close enough at the website to see the forums until yesterday. I am delighted I did. I feel humbled by the kindness and care I am seeing here and deeply appreciative of the work that has been done to put helpful links and resources together. 

Neil1, thank you for your suggestion, I will certainly put together a few thoughts before my appointment, a great idea. My appointment is on Friday so I have some time to put a few things on paper.

Mary, thank you so much for your reply. I have indeed met with my son's doctor, I attend his medical appointments with him at my son's request as "two heads are better than one" and he feels comforted by my being there, especially if his anxiety kicks in and he forgets things.

Dools, thanks for the suggestion of keeping a journal. I have struggled with this in the past. I think this has been because I have somehow led myself to believe that if I commit my thoughts to paper, it somehow locks them in and they will therefore be harder to change? Having said this though, I adore fine stationery and have several beautiful notebooks I have never written in. Perhaps now is a good time to start 🙂

Sherie, thank you for reaching out to me. I am thinking I am definitely among friends here and have little doubt you will see more posts from me as time goes by.

I will keep you in the loop all, as I say my appointment is on Friday so hopefully this week goes smoothly.

Thanks again for the support 🙂

Red

[Doolhof]

Hi Red,

Thanks for getting back to us all. It is great you have read some of the information that is available on this site.

Regarding the writing thoughts down business, I find it helps me to get the negative thoughts out of my head. It all depends on how you then treat or react to what you have written.

I don't think I have ever gone back to read the troublesome stuff I have written. It has been very beneficial for me to get it all down on paper and out of my head.

While you are writing, it might help to clarify what the main concerns or hurts are.

I was writing and writing one day and suddenly realised I didn't have anything negative left to write about! That was a very good feeling.

I have also written Gratitude or Thankful diaries where I write down  the positive, good, helpful things and blessings of life.

There is a post here called Three Things to be Thankful for. You might like to add to that.

Regarding appointments, I sometimes write down things I want to discuss, it helps me.

Beyond Blue also have a book about mental health illnesses. Unfortunately my forgetful brain has forgotten the name of it! Are you close to a library? They may be able to get you a copy in.

All the best for Friday!

Cheers from Dools

[Wendel]

I am Mid North Coast too = is there a Beyond Blue support group for carers up here that we can meet face to face and talk in real time instead of waiting for answers?  I feel very alone in trying to support my partner.