Boyfriend not coping

[AdeleG]

I was seeing my boyfriend for just over 12 months, when he expressed that he didn't know if he could handle being in a relationship. Since our relationship started, he has been involved in an ugly divorce process with a lot of turmoil caused by his ex-wife. Our relationship and his happiness changed when this process started several months ago. His reason for not wanting to be in a relationship stemmed from having his head full of the turmoil his life was taking. He has been sad about our breakup since this happened, as I have been. He admits he has not been a happy person for some time, and when I suggested that he may even be suffering some depression, he agreed.

While I have been hurt dealing with the breakup, I also know that he is in a difficult place and is not coping very well with life and his divorce. I have offered him friendship and support during this time, but am also aware that I have to move on with my own life, as hanging in there hoping for something more may only lead to disappointment in the future. Naturally I care strongly for him, and want to help as much as I can.

Can you offer any suggestions as to how I can help, and also help me to understand why he would decide to push something positive (our relationship) away during this difficult time.

[Lost_Girl]

Hi AdeleG,

Welcome to the BB forums! I am only new myself but I know you've come to the right place for support. I am sure you will hear back soon from more experienced members.

In the meantime, having recently been diagnosed with depression myself, I know that a visit to the GP is the first step. Do you think he would be open to seeing a GP? Perhaps you can suggest it to him. Sometimes we don't think to go to a GP for things like this, it's easier when it's something physical like a broken arm. A simple suggestion to start to the coversation with the GP can be "I'm feeling overwhelmed" and the GP can guide the conversation from there.

There is a lot of information about depression on this site that you can get to from the home page. While you wait for a response I'd recommend having a read. There is information there on  how you can support him. One of the key things to know is that he will need to want to seek help.

It is common for a depressed person to isolate themselves from people. Perhaps you've noticed he has withdrawn from others too? Even positive friendships can be hard to deal with if you're depressed. I know I have been through this and find it hard be around my closest friends.

It's very admirable that you are looking for ways to help, great work on your behalf. It must be hard for you too. I know it's been hard for my husband and friends. I'm here for a chat if you need. 

I'm sure you'll hear from others soon but hopefully I've given you an idea of where to start.

Take care,

Carol

[white knight]

Hi AdeleG, welcome

Fear could be an underlining issue with his reason why he doesn't want to pursue a relationship. I don't believe it is you at all. Just my opinion. He might be fearful that he will solidify his relationship with you and one day have to go through the splitting up process again?

As for him not seeking help for depression and associated issues, we cover this regularly and in an article I wrote some time ago you can read further- google this- "Topic: does stubbornness have a place?- beyondblue" and "Topic: is there room for stubbornness?- beyondblue"

You are wise in thinking about your future and possible wasted time for a guy that may not help himself. Yet your kindness factor is immensely strong and that's wonderful.

Can I make a suggestion? try to remain friends. But go out often as a single person and enjoy life. If he meets with you and is not happy about you newfound attitude then you can express the reasons, that you have suggested he seek help and he hasn't/wont so that's the end of that suggestion...he is the one to make the decision, it is no longer a matter for discussion. Then leave it at that. By not seeking medical consultation he is not putting the relationship as a priority. Google "Topic: caring for your well partner- beyondblue" a slightly different topic but might assist you in terms of how unwell people should treat their loved ones.

Sometimes we have to be a little selfish and look after ourselves first. Others might have a different tack.

Tony WK

[AdeleG]

Thank you Tony and Carol for your help. I will read the articles you've suggested.

He has mentioned to me before that he tried antidepressants years ago and he didn't like the way they affected his personality and said he wouldn't try them again. A while ago, I suggested he may want to seek counselling, and perhaps I should mention this once again. Would a GP typically prescribe meds or refer to a counsellor/psychologist or something else? 

He has admitted in the past that he is not coping and that he can't be himself when he has so much turmoil going through his head.  He has also said in the past that he thinks he can't love and doesn't know if he ever will - I believe this is where the fear component comes in, as you say Tony. I understand the fear of getting hurt as I can be very guarded in this respect too, having been hurt several times over. 

Several years ago I went through an extreme tumultuous divorce that deeply affected my children (and finances, but to me that doesn't compare), so I do have an element of understanding and was down a big dark hole at that stage of my life. I was not in a relationship during this process (which lasted several years), and struggled without having someone to love me during this time. I remembered feeling that I wasn't in a good place to offer someone the complete me, but it was probably the time in my life when I actually felt I needed someone the most. This is where I find it difficult to find that he chose to not have that closeness with me. I have shared my experience and feelings during that very difficult time, together with ways I coped during that time - for me it was an overwhelming feeling of trust and belief in me and letting everything I couldn't control go. I know we all have different ways of dealing with life's challenges, so what worked for me won't necessarily work for him.

 At this stage we are catching up every couple of weeks and communicating regularly in between. He is open about what is happening in his life, and I'm glad he feels he can trust me to talk. I have been on a rollercoaster ride of emotions myself over the breakup and there's a large part in me that wants to get us back together again, but I'm concerned of putting too much hope in that department in the event I get hurt again. When he gets through this (which I believe he will), I don't know what place I will play in his life. So, I'm trying to find balance in being there for him while also looking after myself.

[pipsy]

Hi Adele.  Just to add to Tony and Carol.  You asked if a G.P or psychologist would prescribe anti-depressants.  Usually the psychologist starts the treatment after discussing with the patient how they're feeling generally.  Tony's 100% right when he says your bf is scared of separation again.  I feel your bf would benefit greatly by talking to a counsellor/psychologist.  He would have to get a referral from a Dr, he may also have to wait for a while before getting an appointment.  With any form of anti-depressant the side effects can be extremely upsetting.  If he is prescribed meds again, make sure he realises he has to work through the side effects for however long it takes.  He should ask his Dr about side effects.  If they're really causing him problems, go back to the psych and discuss with him what's happening.  Unfortunately, when it comes to medication, we really have to be guinea pigs until we find something that works.  Patience plays a huge part in this too.  I think you're being very wise to back away a bit till he sorts himself out.  I know you have strong feelings for him, I think he has equally strong feelings for you, but past experience quite often makes us 'gun shy' about re-involvement.  The friendship you're offering is fantastic for his well-being. 

Good luck.

[AdeleG]

Ok.. now I'm a little confused to be honest. I'm not sure if he has a fear of separation or even perhaps both depression and a fear. But I do think at least fear is on the mark.

He says he hasn't been himself and happy for quite a while and essentially the unhappiness started when things between him and his ex became nasty (i.e. approx 4 months into our relationship). Prior to that he was himself and i noticed the change in him and the change in our relationship. Since then he's been a little more distant (tho still committed to me), doesn't talk about our future like he used to. The biggest reaction I noticed was (approx 1y into the relationship) when I mentioned that I felt like I was being taken for granted - he became so withdrawn, almost introverted and defensive and stewed over things for a week or so, saying he didn't think he could have a relationship. He took it to heart. This agrees with what I have read about a fear of intimacy.

Since then, he has been in touch regularly (i.e. most days) even though I'm trying to have my space and move on. He is still sad about where we are at, but doesn't make a move to mend things. 

The developments with ex wife are quite traumatic and I can only see that they will get worse before they get better.

So, while I know it's difficult to diagnose here, but I see that fear is 100% correct as well - the depression, I'm still unsure about.

[pipsy]

Hi AdeleG.  Your bf is in a pretty traumatic situation at the moment.  He's dealing with contentious divorce, plus he has depression no doubt brought on by divorce.  Fear of another separation from you would be making him hesitant about committing.  Fear, also of not being able to give you the commitment you deserve could also make him feel depressed.  Depression feeds on fear and anxiety.  When you said you felt he was taking you for granted, I would say that scared him.  He doesn't want to take you for granted, but he's unable to fully commit till he feels he can offer you a full relationship.  Does he have kids?  Worry about them will also cause depression.  He is very introverted, which, no doubt is a problem.  Everything he has and is going through adds to the withdrawing from life in general.  Whether you decide to stay with him or leave has to be your decision.  You can't fight his battle, you can keep offering support, but you need support too.  I think you should try and build a life for yourself, keep the friendship (if that's what you want).  Did I understand you to say he is seeing a therapist, or waiting to see one.  If he is, wait and see how that progresses.  He may, in time, ask you to accompany him.  Keep the lines of communication open, offer friendship.  As I said, patience is the big thing here.  The depression needs to be 'starved', the only way that will happen is when he starts feeling positive and stronger.  That could take some time.  If he's on meds and they're working, you should start to see some improvement soon.  Basically, yes, he has fear with depression feeding on the fear, making him feel 10 times worse.  Once he loses the fear, hopefully, the depression will ease.  Hopefully, I've been able to clarify this for you.    

All the best, whatever happens.