Need Advice On Depressed Partner

Pennywise · ‎05-06-2016

Hello fellow warriors.

I'm posting today cos' I need a little insight or advice to help me understand my depressed partners way of thinking. I'm confused and dealing with anxiety myself so I need a rough idea of why hes thinking the way he is.

He's 30 and I'm 27. We've been together for 8years.We live together and have no children...only our 4 furbabies.

There has been alot that has happened in the last two months and it has been an emotional rollarcoaster (and thats putting it lightly). He broke it off with me just over a week ago but a couple days ago told me he made a mistake, he misses me and wants to be with me. He said he felt it was his only option at the time. That is a brief summary of the D&M we had but anyway back on point.

I wanted breathing space for the both of us as we cant support each other in our current states and its impossible to give each other space in the same house especially when you're both constantly worrying about the other person. We are in separate rooms by the way. One mintue he understands our need for space then the next he says he cant afford to move it and if he does hes afraid he'll lose himself and wont come back because hes stubborn.

What I'm having trouble with is this. We've both made it clear we love each other, want the future life with each etc (We were just on the road to buying a house and starting a family) but is this identity fear a common thing with depression? I told him I'm not moving forward in our relationship unless we have couples counseling. Theres been too much hurt and damage. Hes getting help. I actually took him to ED the other night cos he cant control his suicidal thoughts anymore. I told him I'm very proud of him being brave and asking for help as alot of people would do otherwise.

So to sum up, are these thoughts of fearing identity loss common with depressed men in particular? I'd like to hear your thoughts as well if you've been in a similar situation.

Thanks Guys.

Br1sbaneg1rl · ‎14-08-2016

Hi Pennywise,

I am new to the BB Forum and just wanted to check in to see how you are doing?

I am currently experiencing something similar to you within my relationship. I turn 30 this year and my partner has just turned 27.

I won't dwell on my story as I've posted about it if you wish to read about it.

My partner pushed me away and then held onto me and then ended things and within an hour or so told me he wanted us to give it another chance. He has not yet seemed any professional advice, however, I'm hopeful that we can visit a GP or councillor together when he returns from work in 3 weeks.

I know what a struggle it is to be in limbo, it's truly heartbreaking and my stomach is in knots the majority of the time.

What have you been up to this weekend?

Thinking of you,

N

Pennywise · ‎21-08-2016

Hi Br1sbaneg1rl.

Thanks so much for your reply and reading my story. Sorry to hear you're going through some heartache too.

I hope I can share some things I've learnt from my journey that will help you with yours or at least provide some comfort in knowing that you're not alone. I've found this site comforting by reading others' stories that are similar to mine but also finding that everyone's story is still their own.

I'm doing ok. I've managed to create a system that supports my wellbeing but also that of my partner while he finds his strength again. I have discovered a few things that makes a BIG differnece in surviving these journeys.

Firstly, you HAVE to be selfish and put yourself first or you will burnout. This took me a good two months before I was able to do this properly. And also its a skill learnt. This is where you need a support network separate of your significant other (SO) and i suggest a psychologist as well. I saw a psychologist for two months to help keep me on track with this. At first I couldn't understand how you could support someone without putting them first. I nearly had a breakdown myself cos' I got sucked into the depression along with my partner. You have to learn to separate the behaviours and reactions of your SO from the person you know they are. Believe me when I say depression will turn them into someone you dont recognise. I'm not trying to scare you in saying this at all cos I'm sure you've already seen some dramatic changes in your SO already.

They can become manipulative, controlling, abusive (verbally or emotionally), emotional or distant and downright scary. When you focus on yourself by giving yourself "me-time" and staying healthy it enables you to hold onto the person that you know is real, not this "black dog" that is using them as a puppet. I know it will feel personal but this is where learning the art of letting go comes into great practice. Remember YOU can only control YOU.

Secondly, eat and exercie (or at least get outside in the sun and fresh air). Get the blood pumping. I too lost weight because I was unwell and struggling. I lost 10kg in a short period because of an underlying anxiety which I didnt realise I had for years. If you find it hard to eat at first just try smaller meals but more substance. If you cant eat pasta try a colourful salad.

Pennywise · ‎21-08-2016

Thirdly, research. I have read countless articles online as well as "Depression for dummies" and "Overcoming anxiety for dummies". These readings really help you understand part of what they're going through. Keep in mind though everyone has their own "cross" to bear and you will never truly understand what they're going through but this will help ease your mind/pain a little. Lastly, time. Be gentle on yourself and forgive. You are just one person and it takes a very strong willed and courageous person to continue through these dark times. I heard this countless times going through this journey with my partners depression. It will feel like you're waiting forever for the person you love to return which is why its so important to still live your life and to let go of guilt. BUT, you cannot help them until they take the first step. DO NOT try to interpret their behaviour cos you will drive yourself mad. Be ok with being alone. By that I mean enjoy doing things you love when you have time to yourself. I know you might feel your SO doesnt hear you when you say you're there for them but keep saying it all the time cos' they will feel it later on when they start climbing out of the dark.If you would like more advice PLEASE feel free to ask. These last few months I have learnt so many things about myself and I continue to learn. I practice mindfulness and meditation every day. They are a vast number of free apps for meditation out there and I encourage you to try everything until you find something that works for you.The only certainty in life is impermanence. Everything is always changing.

Pennywise · ‎01-09-2016

Morning all. Need some information from people who suffer from depression.

I checked in with my partner today asking how he was going...head wise, he replied with its still the same and that hes just better at hiding it and that itll take a few months.

My question is this, do u actually get better or do u just get better at hiding it?

Im not naive to think that it goes away but im looking for insight. Is this the best i can hope for?

Thanks

blondguy · ‎02-09-2016

Hi Penny

You are well versed where depression is concerned. I had acute anxiety since 1983 and then the depression kicked in in 1996. Currently on low dose anti-dep and occasional benzo (just fyi)

I think we do 'improve' so the highs and lows arent as extreme. Just for me it was weekly therapy for months and reading books from Dr Claire Weekes (be gentle to yourself and calm & true acceptance of the illness)

Just my 2 cents....I think that 'hiding it' is sweeping it under the rug. Exposing the illness actually renders it less powerful....with calm & true acceptance of course 🙂

If his method works though then thats good too

Interesting question Penny

My kind thoughts

Paul

Pennywise · ‎02-09-2016

Thanks for your reply Paul.

I guess i was a lil surprised by hos response cos he seems to be doing so much better but maybe hes just a good actor. That being said his extremes arent there anymore but after being told he still has no feeling i guesd i was a lil hurt and taken a back. Maybe i shouldn't worry with the fact that he was saying i love you and now isnt. Its especially confusing when hes still making plans about kids and buying a house together. He said it'll take a few months.

After almost 5 months i guess my patience is wearing a little thin.

Hes stubborn and believes he should be able to overcome this himself which is why it took so long for him to accept help from his friends and me in the first place.

He told me to not push him to say it which is a problem for me only cos when he broke up with me in the midst of his depression he said he wasnt in love with me anymore so Its hard to forget something like that.

Pennywise · ‎02-09-2016

Anyone else care to weigh in?

Pennywise · ‎06-09-2016

Ok so my partner and i are going to try couples counselling starting thursday.

I've never been. Has anyone on here ever been and have you got any advice? What happens during these sessions?

Thank you

romantic_thi3f · ‎06-09-2016

Hi Pennywise,

Just wanted to say hi and write in. I can see that you've had so many great responses here already. I can also see that despite the difficulties you've had you've stayed incredibly supportive, caring and patient.

You asked a question before about if people actually do get better of if they just get better at hiding it. I think the answer lies within the question. What does "hiding it" look like for him? Does it mean that he is saying he is okay when he's not? Does it mean that he's denying the right to feel sad/angry? 'Hiding' can mean different things for different people but ultimately, in order to manage the depression people need to implement different strategies. Hiding is not usually one of them.

You mentioned the ED was going to arrange for a psychologist. Has he been seeing one?

As for touch/intimacy, I think there's a delicate balance in finding and learning how much our partners are comfortable in sharing with us. With my own experience, it was about finding a 'middle ground'. Maybe for you this might look like this - "touch is really important to me. I know that you're not comfortable with giving hugs right now but sometimes when I don't get hugs I don't feel appreciated. Can we hold hands for a little bit?" This way you can help let him know why this is important to you. Perhaps there might be something else that he can feel okay with such as a massage or sitting next to each other on the couch, or even just putting a hand on his leg. I'm wondering if there are other ways that can help you both feel close - sometimes cooking together can feel intimate, or even going for a walk/out to the park etc. A change in scenery (although cliche) can actually help as it feels less routine-like. Also by making your intentions clear this may help if his concern is that he's afraid things will get too intimate too quickly. If the cause is more trauma related maybe it's about helping him to feel like he is in a safe space.

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romantic_thi3f · ‎06-09-2016

As for couples counselling - I haven't done this myself, but I
have heard about it and I've heard that it's not overly different to normal
counselling. The first session is quite informal, just designed to help you
relax and help the therapist get a better feel for who you are and how they can
help. You may find that later only one of you may attend the session or
both of you. This will depend on how it goes.

I've also managed to find questions you may expect:

- What issues have you been experiencing in your relationship?

- How long have these issues been a problem in your
relationship?

- Have you ever been in relationship counselling before?

- What have you and your partner done to try to resolve these
issues?

- What are your expectations of couples counselling?

Hope this helps a
little –

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