My partners anxiety brought me on my own limits

[Jane_D]

I'm new and I'm not sure if this is the right way to go but I need help.

My partner has anxiety, depression and anger issues. I struggle to keep us together and to have a normal life. I'm walking on egg shells around him as every "little" word can change his mode and he feels misunderstood. He is seeking help but I have the feeling nothing changes and everything he does is blaming others for his actions. Some days are good and some are a nightmare. I try to understand whats going on and try to help him but i'm not a psychologist or doctor. I struggle badly but don't want to give up the person I love "just because I can't handle it". I red all the "look after yourself and listen" advises but i still go to bed and feel "put down". He is spinning "stories" in his head around which never happened the way he describes it. All this brought me to a break down this year and I had to move out to get distance between us. I'm a very strong person but I have my limits. I don't know what to do anymore and how to get the man back I felt in love with.

[Blue_Jane]

Hi Jane

Welcome to our forums and thanks for taking the time to share what is going on with you.

I am sorry to hear how hard things have been. It is very taxing supporting someone you love who suffers from a mental illness. Your partner is lucky to have someone like you who cares so much.

What is the current state of things? Are you back living with your partner? Did the time you had not living together make things clearer for you or your partner?

You mention he is getting support, what type?

How did you get yourself up from the breakdown earlier this year?

I have been with two partners with depression and I found that they only confided in me. With my ex it was very scary and unpredictable and I felt responsible for his illness. In the end our relationship wasn't strong enough to get through it together.

Now I am married to a wonderful man. In the early stages of our relationship his depression flared up and it was so hard being blamed and feeling that sense of responsibility. Luckily he sought help and now manages his illness really well through a combination of exercise, diet and sometimes seeing a psychologist.

Look forward to hearing from you.

Blue Jane

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts/supporting-someone/looking-after-yourself

[Blue_Jane]

P.S you might find this part of our website helpful: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts/supporting-someone/looking-after-yourself

[Jane_D]

Hi Blue Jane,

we are (still) living apart now for 5 month and it was the best decision i could have made for my own well being. I can now draw out if he is not good and pushes me away. I started after my break down to do more for myself and made new friends. As I said I'm a strong personality and realized that I can't live like that anymore and needed to change.

He can't cope with it as with his anxiety he is staying a lot of time inside his house and doesn't have many friends anymore. He is getting paranoid if I'm catching up with (female) friends on my own. It's very difficult.

He is seeing a Psychologist all four weeks. It seems to me that he is getting directions to deal with situations but he doesn't adapt them - he still doesn't think all this problems in his life coming from his actions - he is blaming a lot other ppl for his problems (including me).

I'm on the point now that I'm thinking of leaving him but on the other side i'm also afraid that he would do something to himself. I love this man but I have lost the real person it seems and left is just a shell. My last hope is that he is starting to take some medication to bring him back to a normal level. Unfortunately his GP is not the best and I don't know where to go with him to seek help (if he lets me).

It's good to hear that there are "stories" with a happy end out there like yours. Some parts in me still have some hope that we can make it.

Thank

[Blue_Jane]

Hi Jane

As hard as it must be sometimes, it is good that you are feeling better from having this time living separately. And even better that you started doing more for yourself. I think self identity is a really important thing and two people can't have a successful relationship if they are not first happy in themselves.

It does sound difficult that your partner has retreated however there is hope that the combination of the psychologist and the drugs makes a difference. What about his diet and exercise? In my experience they have been key to the management of a mental illness in the long term. Does he have any family who can play a more active role?

I should add that things are not perfect with my husband. When he loses motivation and drops off the exercise my anxiety flares up and I get nervous that he is going to spiral - sometimes he does, but only briefly before he gets himself back up. However over all he looks after his illness incredibly well, which makes me love him even more.

Only you can make the call about the future of your relationship. Sounds like you are doing everything right in terms of support and hopefully time will tell what is right for you guys.

Blue Jane