My partner tells me he hates his life and insists there is no point discussing it because it never goes anywhere.

[Pixy]

Hello,
This is my first time posting. Im concerned about my partner, we have had a lot of up and downs - mostly struggling with his depression, social anxiety, constant arguing and problems with alcohol (also my own depression and trauma as well). He goes through phases of not working and falls into a very long and deep depression (this has happened twice over our three years together) has been on and off antidepressants and has tried counselling which apparently didn't help much.
Things are actually ok..ish at the moment however I feel the need to push him in the right direction so it doesn't happen again. He hates what he does for work and I know he feels trapped and doesn't know how or what he wants to do with his life. He has said to me he hates his life and tells me there is no point discussing it because it never goes anywhere. I find this incredibly frustrating as I am a very practical person and I feel like I could help him navigate options if only he was more open minded, but he is so negative. I strongly think he should go back to study to help change his direction and pursue his interests. But money is of course an issue, but he doesn't want to do share housing to make it possible, and we are not emotionally stable enough to live together. He is in his early 30's and knows that he does not want to continue in his line of work which is very labor intense and long hours but is making no effort to get out of it. His lack of effort to seek change drives me nuts when all he does is complain about it! I just want him to find purpose or at least not dread going to work everyday, what can I do to help? He makes it very difficult to talk about this and says it's a sensitive issue and has contributed to his depression and anxiety for a very long time. All of this is strongly impacting out relationship, I won't want to stay with him if he chooses to repeat another year like this but it's unfair to threaten him like that. Even if we don't work out I still want him to be happy and find value in his life. Any advice on what I can do?

[baet123]

Hey Pixy,

Welcome to the forums and thank you for posting.

Sorry to hear that you and your partner are going through a tough time at the moment. He is extremely lucky to have such a supportive and caring partner. You possess amazing qualities and you should be proud of that.

I believe that your partner would greatly benefit from prolonged periods of regular medication and professional treatment and consultations. Most people suffering from a mental health condition require long term care and treatment and addressing underlying issues, if any, as to why your partner is feeling the way he is feeling would greatly benefit him. It seems as if the alcohol is a coping mechanism for him and addressing the other issues, will address his alcohol consumption.

It is very normal and common for people suffering and experiencing what your partner is experiencing to be negative and are unable to "have an open mind"and be open to change. I was like that too. One of the most important components of treatment and recovery is "time". These things take time and the time frame is different for everyone. He has to want to change and improve his situation and unfortunately in most cases, if we ourselves don't want to change then change is very hard to achieve.

It seems as if your mental health, well-being and overall quality of life is negatively impacted by your relationship. Honestly, nothing is worth sacrificing our own well-being for. You have the right and deserve to be happy and live the life you envisioned yourself living.

Once our quality of life is negatively affected due to mental health conditions, it is time for professional intervention. Your partner will greatly benefit from a sustained, long term care plan. It seems that your partner requires regular, long term professional assistance from a GP, psychologist and psychiatrist. Maybe you can encourage him to see his GP and discuss a mental health plan? There are also many free counselling services available.

I hope your situation improves and hope some of what I posted above can be of assistance to you.

Keep us posted.

Nick.