At my wits end

[Msjett]

Hi All.

Looking for any advice with regards to supporting / managing a spouse who has depression and looking after myself while doing so.

Long story short, my husband developed depression and anxiety (and I think bi-polar tendencies that have not been formally diagnosed) just after the birth of our son two years ago.

The condition/s were managed with anti-depressants up until three months ago, where he spontaneously took himself off them. We are now back to where we started with him sleeping constantly and not being interested in anything, anyone or activity. He loves our son, plays and cares for him-- this is not the issue-- the issue is that it actively feels like he's avoiding me, even to the point that ten minutes after I get through the door at the end of the day, he will just go to bed and leave me with everything until about 9pm, including the house work, dinner and bath for our son, our dinner, laundry and household administration (bills etc).

I have tried so many different ways of approaching this topic with him with no success over the last two years. I have confronted him about this, tried the caring approach, tried ignoring the situation and just "getting on with what I need to do".

I'm at the point where I am now getting four hours sleep a night, doing a full day at work and then all of the house stuff.

He promises that he will change, try harder etc but there is no carry over from this commitment- even when he was on medication.

I DREAD going home and only do so because of my son.

I can't carry on with this level of stress, it's affecting my own mental health and my own physical health too.

Any advice would be appreciated. I just don't know what to do anymore.

[smallwolf]

Msjett,

Hi and welcome to beyond blue.

From reading your post it sounds like you tried all communication possibilities. And I know this is, or will be hard, but not to give up yet. And the amount of sleep you are (or not) getting is not helping. There are couple of alternatives, but there are other questions that would need consideration....

Has your husband received any help professionally? With a psychologist? Or psychiatrist? If so, how is that going?

If not, have you considered talking to someone yourself to address your own mental health concerns, and find ways to approaching your husband to get help himself? It sort of becomes a way of showing him how much you care for the relationship.

And based on these discussions, you might be able to determine the best way forward, for you, your son, and your family, and husband.

Sending peace and strength to you,

Tim

[therising]

Hi Msjett

I hear your overwhelming frustration and my heart truly goes out to you at this incredibly challenging time.

You definitely need to begin looking after yourself, which I know you're well aware of. Stress and fatigue can impact us on so many levels, not just mentally but also physically. Stress can have quite an impact on our autonomic nervous system (creating physical dis-ease). As far as mental dis-ease goes, Tim has made a great suggestion in regard to seeking mental health care for yourself. This might also have some impact on your husband. So that he doesn't take it too personally, you could always say something like 'There are 3 of us in this relationship, you, me and depression and depression is impacting the both of us. We need to actively fight it together'.

The chemistry in depression is definitely a destroyer of motivation. It is also something which destroys any sense of true connection to another soul. Whilst that disconnection is a result of an internal battle with chemistry, it is so hard for a partner not to take it personally. In regard to home duties, perhaps your husband sees you as a reliable resource regarding his lack of motivation, which may explain why you are left to do most of the work. The down side of giving over control (effective management) is that we don't experience that sense of self-worth or accomplishment. It's like a double edged sword. 'I don't do anything but sleep and eat. I am useless and worthless. I may as well just sleep and eat, that's all I'm good for.'

If you consider yourself as a surrogate for that part of your husband's brain (the motivation part), have you considered setting things up for him to some degree. Perhaps write a list of things to do (with times of the day included), set up the laundry in the morning for him to wash and hang out, set up the ingredients and cookware for dinner etc, etc. I know it's still work for you but it may get him moving, creating a sense of accomplishment. The folk from 'Lite 'n' Easy' understand that lack of motivation plays a part in poor diet and nutrition, which is one of the reasons they bag it all up, ready to go.

Creating opportunities for your husband to experience self-worth may lead him to believe he is worth the effort when it comes to seeking greater mental health. If he's disconnected from life, you may need to create some connections for him.

Definitely take care of yourself and seek support where you can

[Msjett]

Hi All.

Thank you so much for your replies. In terms of seeing a psychologist, he did try this last year, however stopped going because he was too uncomfortable talking to them: he is so closed off and believes that nothing that he says is listened to or valued by anyone (product of a toxic work place for almost 4 years) that there is no point.

The motivation for him is just not there-- I can leave things set up or half done in the morning and he just doesn't do it. I return home to a manky kitchen, laundry that is still wet in the machine etc.

Aside from this issue on the home front, I work a very chaotic job, so I don't get any reprieve. Home used to be a sanctuary for me, so now I don't really have anywhere to facilitate down time or even really more than an hours peace and have not had annual leave at all this year due to a leave embargo within my workplace for managers.

Like I said, wits end!