My partner is experiencing depression and is pushing me away

[Karen123]

Hi,I’m new to this forum but I’ve seen some great responses and would love some advice.

I have been with my partner for more than 5 years now and we have had a fantastic relationship, very happy and supportive and we’ve been through a lot together. We are so In love and have never had issues before. We have always talked about plans for our future together and get along so well.
The last little while he has been slowly withdrawing from me but I didn’t really notice because it was so gradual, he was lacking effort towards seeing me and spending time together, however when we were together it was fine and he always told me he loved me. Recently we caught up and completely out of the blue he broke up with me saying that it’s him and not me and that I’m great and he loves me but he can’t be with me anymore because he “feels no emotion” and wants some space. He appeared a little scattered with his thoughts but he ended up talking about how he is depressed and his mental health is really bad. He lives at home with his mum, dad and siblings and I’ve spoken to them and they are supporting him and have encouraged him to seek professional help!

This week has been terrible for me because we have spoken every day for the past 5 years and now have gone a week without talking. He has always supported my with my issues. However, I have never been in this situation before, I love him and he tells me he loves me so how can I support him and how do I begin the support because I’m not sure how to get back into his life.

Any advice would be great, thank you so much!

[815]

Hi Mrslaura311,

I have replied to your own thread, but saw your post here also and thought I might have some more to share from my own experience, and I do realise that each situation is unique, so take from this what you feel relevant.

At the very worst of it all, my husband said he didn't know if he loved me, he threatened to leave, he threatened to take the kids, but there were also tears when all of this was being said. And so as much as it was hurtful for me to hear those words, I realise how much he must have been hurting to say those things to me. At this time, he had already been diagnosed with severe depression, he was on medication and was seeing a psychologist. It is around this time that I decided to see a psychologist myself, as well as seeking assistance from the school psychologist for my children (it had a terrible impact on them hearing my husband's words).

What helped? I guess, all of this helped us. But also, time...And I know that is probably not what you want to hear right now. All I could do, was stand as strong as I could beside this man who I love, but who I couldn't recognise. In the hope that he would someday see me, and realise that I had been standing there beside him all along. There were days/nights when I didn't know how much more heartache I could bear. They were lonely sad nights.

But somehow, and I can't even tell you how, or why, or when, it was literally like the fog had started to clear. And there I was. My friend once explained it to me like, he is trying to break down the wall of depression, and I just needed to be there on the other side when he did.

But what did this mean in a practical sense? I spent time with the kids. I cooked, I cleaned. I kept my job and paid bills. I sought support from trusted family and friends and spent time with them when I could. I just pushed on and took care of my husband in whatever ways I could, or whatever ways he would let me. I did this for him and the kids. But I did it for me too. Because the thought of being elsewhere, seemed worse than being here.

And so here we are, many months later, still not great all the time. But at the very least, travelling the bumpy road together. There are many posts on here of really desperate moments, but some really hopeful ones too. You are not alone in this struggle so I hope you can find comfort, hope and strength in that.

[Mrslaura311]

That made me cry 😭

I saw a gp today and she asked me what I really want. And that is to stick by my husband not matter what. She explained it’s not going to be easy and even at the end of it, it might not be what I want.

but your story gives me hope, I have to remember it’s the illness and not him saying these horrible things.

If I can stick by him during these hard time and we make it out okay, it will all be worth it to me.

Thanks so much for sharing your story

[815]

Hi Mrslaura311,

I am glad you have gone to speak to your GP. My GP said something similar when I went to see her initially. She said, to keep trying different things, and to never give up. That in the end the result might not be what I expected, but we can't give up on them. But more importantly, we can't give up for ourselves.

It won't be easy. Be patient. Take it a day at a time. And be gentle and kind to yourself and your family in those really hard times. Just try to remember the little things that bring you all joy.

And post here if you ever need to be heard. Take care.

[Karen123]

Hi everyone.
It has been a while since I wrote on here with an update.

It’s been 3 months since the breakup. We are rarely in contact and haven’t seen each other in person for 6 weeks which is a bit sad. However he has been to a psychologist and has regular appointments with the psychologist which is fantastic. He told me he is finding these helpful so it is a great start.

I am supporting his family as much as I can and he knows I am here to support him if he ever needs. There is not much more I can do and I have accepted this and taken a step back to let him find his own path from here.

I am looking after myself really well and have been spending lots of time doing things I love.

Thank you everyone for all your advice. Every piece of it truely helped!!