Parents with teenagers who have BPD

[MilosMum]

Hi,

My beautiful 16 year old daughter has BPD. As a family we are finding it very difficult and have lots of new things to learn so that we can support her and help her.

We’re currently involved in a program which we are hopeful will help - my partner and I are seeing some results already although we seem to have a long road ahead. We’re both prepared to do whatever it takes ti help her.

I’ve found and read lots and lots of books and information on BPD.

I’m feeling so overwhelmed and sad at times, it’s so difficult to be the brunt of my poor daughters painful illness. I’m finding myself feeling lonely and don’t have any friends in similar situations.

I have lots of friends but no one who really understands what my life is like now and the impact from her I’llness.

I’m finding myself increasingly unwilling to go out to social events - in fact hardly doing any of the things I used to - because my daughter feels abandoned if I go out/do things without her. I’m ok with that most of the time, butseem to be losing my own sense of self.

I feel selfish at times - for wanting to go back to “how life used to be” when she was younger, I feel like I’m grieving the loss of my child, which is horrible, but also grieving the loss of what my vision of our lives would be - it’s so different to how I thought.

I’m mostly ok with dealing with it and staying calm during the critical times, but when I’m alone - particularly after my daughter has had a tough day - I just feel battered and lonely.

Ive had some helpful counseling sessions from a Carers organisation, but those sessions are finished now.

Theres been so many new things to learn about what my daughter is feeling (self harm, feelings of emptiness, anxiety, the BPD triggers that she struggles so hard with, etc) and it might be helpful to hear how other Mums, Dads cope?

If there are any Mums out there in a similar situation I’d love to hear about how you get through each bad day, how you maintain your sense of self, how you keep your other relationships afloat.

Ive tried looking for Facebook groups, etc, but have found nothing near me.

Thanks you, Fi

[blondguy]

Hello Milo's Mum

Thank-you for posting and being a part of the forum family too!

There is nothing selfish about you at all. As a sufferer of chronic anxiety followed by depression I also think exactly the same thinking about 'how life used to be'. I have a daughter that has self harmed, badly, and understand your pain

I know you have specifically mentioned 'Parents with Teenagers with BPD' and thats an excellent topic

The Copy & Paste link below has been a huge help for many people with BPD.....I really hope you can find some benefit in it....Note: Its a great thread that has been around for a few years yet should have some serious value for you and your daughter

www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/this-bipolar-life

Any questions are very welcome 🙂

my kind thoughts for you and your daughter

Paul

[MilosMum]

Thank you, Paul.

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi Milo's Mum,

Thanks for your post. I'm not a mum but hopefully I might be able to jump in and give you some support too.

I think that if you can get anything from this post, it's to try and understand that what you're feeling is totally normal. Grief doesn't just apply to the loss of people, but the loss of situations, experiences. What you're experiencing is a loss - a loss of your own independence by the way you don't feel comfortable going out, the loss of a child in the sense that she's become so consumed by BPD, and maybe even the loss of that future where you thought things would turn out so differently.

You mentioned that the counselling sessions with a carers organisation was helpful, do you think it might be helpful to see a counsellor for extra support? You can get a Mental Health Care Plan from your GP if this is something you're interested in.

and finally - in terms of finding other mums, do you think you could let me know what state you're in (just the state not necessarily your location for privacy)? I haven't found any online forums as yet, but there are a few local support groups and state services for parents.

Here's another forum post that might be useful to jump in on - https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/supporting-family-and-friends-with-a-mental-health-condition-(carers)/parents-of-children-with-nbsp-borderline-nbsp-personality-disorder

This is a bit of a long post! But hopefully you find it helpful

[quirkywords]

Milo's mum,

Welcome to this forum.

You seem like a very compassionate and caring mum.

I assume by BPD you mean Borderline personality disorder . Is that right?

Many parents will understand and relate to your post. I admire your honesty.

I was diagnosed at 16 with bipolar and I know back then (in the 70s) my parents found it very hard and my mum felt ashamed and she would whisper about me to other people.

When I became a mum I understood what she went through and I felt guilty as I was very defiant and mean to her.

Sometimes even an online group with other parents who can understand what you are going through is helpful.

Thanks for your honesty

Quirky

[IggyPiggle]

Hi Milo's Mum

I hear you completely I have only just joined this forum looking for some support. My 15 year daughter has BPD and we have been through some very tough times. I find DBT really helps when I can get her there. But we have just been through another rough patch.

We have moved 3 schools in the last 2 years and now in Open Access which I am struggling to get her to do the work on. She has previously had severe self-harming and engages in very risky behaviour which is frightening to say the least. I also feel lonely as other family members don't seem to want to educate themselves on the condition and think she just needs to pull her socks up and get on with things

It is very draining, I cry a lot. I also grieve the loss of the beautiful little girl she was, she is still a beautiful girl, but so so sensitive and hard to manage sometimes I feel like I am breaking.

😞

[Outdoorsy]

I can sooo relate to your story. PERTH WA.

[quirkywords]

Outdoorsy

welcome to the forum and thanks for your post. You may have notices that yiu are the first person in 2 years to post here.

You may find starting your own thread with your story will find you support.
Borderline personality is very challenging.
Take care.

[Valeria]

Hello to All mums out there with teenagers with BPD. My daughters was diagnosed with this disorder when she was a 15.
There is a lot to learn and most of the change will come from us as parents.

It takes time to find the right support, but it does exist.
I am feeling a lot more competent to deal with the situation this year, after many sessions of counseling for myself, my husband and my daughter.

it took me a while to understand that the rage of a person with BPD is not “personal” . But keeping calm is the best solution I found. Matching anger with anger is never the answer.

today a have a better relationship with my daughter and most times manage the situation without stepping on eggshells all the tome to avoid conflict.

[quirkywords]

Valeria

welcome to the forums and this thread.

Thanks so much for sharing your inisghts and experience of living with your daughter.

i am sure your words have helped others.

As i mentioned before that you could start your own post so that more people can see it. thanks.