My long distance boyfriend has depression - I don't know how to help

LunaRose_ · ‎01-10-2017

Hi there, I need some advice.

I have been dating my boyfriend for almost 9 months now and we just started long distance 3 months ago. We live in different countries and won't be living together again for another year.

We have always been very honest and open about everything in our lives and out of the blue he told me that he doesn't feel right, like he is going crazy and nothing makes him happy anymore (mental illness runs in his family). This has been happening for about 3 weeks now and I feel it is getting worse because he is blocking everyone out of his life, including me, barely replying to messages. Since our long distance relationship is purely messaging and facetimeing, I am really struggling to help. When we do FaceTime he just nods and grunts and when I try to ask him questions about it he just cries and hangs up. I decided to surprise him and book tickets to see him for 3 months time and he just shrugged his shoulders like he didn't even care, even though we've been excited about it for months. Which made me really upset. He lives away from his family and has very little friends, none of them know what he is going through because he thinks he is a burden to them. He's told me that he is hardly eating or sleeping and he is seeking professional help.

I understand that what he is going through is really hard, but I don't know what else I can do to help. I feel like we have broken up because we just don't talk anymore. I still text him when I wake up and throughout the day, telling him I love him and I am here if he needs me but I hardly get a response. I am terrified that he'll just never reply to me one day and I won't know what happened to him. I love him and want to be here for him but am I wasting my time? Does he need me or am I just a burden to him? What else can I do to help him from this distance?

Please help.

BballJ · ‎01-10-2017

Hi LunaRose.,

Firstly, welcome to the forums.

This is always a hard topic to give advice on especially when the person lives in another country and you are at the mercy of text messages and phone calls. I don't for a second think he is trying to push you away, when you are dealing with mental health issues, you mind is all over the place and finding words to describe it is very hard. I don't think you are wasting you time and it sounds like you do care for this person so I would encourage you to keep sending those morning texts and texts through the day to let him know you are still there for him, maybe shy away from demanding he message you back or anything like that, I am not saying you are doing that but the message could simply be, thinking of you, hope you're doing ok, or something more off topic, even telling him about your day, he may not respond but he will read it and most likely make him smile. Just some thoughts.

Please also have a read through the supporting someone section on these forums, simply go to the top of the page and where it says "The facts" go down to supporting someone and read through that section about supporting someone with a mental illness.

My best for you and your partner,

Jay

LunaRose_ · ‎03-10-2017

To BballJ,

Thank you so much for your kind words. I will continue to to help in the limited ways that I can. These forums are a great comfort to know I'm not the only one going through this and it can get better.

geoff · ‎04-10-2017

hi LunaRose, thanks for posting your comment, and what Jay said is right it is difficult to give people advice when it's a long distance r/ship, but certainly not impossible.
He has also made some great comments, that if you really love him then let him know, it may fall on deaf ears which would upset you if he doesn't reply, and that's quite understandable and will be soul-searching, asking and then answering yourself questions which may or may not be correct, and this is certainly going to affect how you feel, and that's where the one of these problems begins.
At the moment you cant really tell how he is feeling, just hoping you will see an improvement, but being disappointed most of the time, still wondering if he says he is feeling better, because you're not sure so this is not helping you, that's why you have to look after yourself and see your doctor.
We have to be honest here because long distance r/ships can be lonely and not getting what you really want or knowing what goes on behind closed doors, sorry to mention this, but in the end, it's your decision what you want to do.

I really hope we hear back from you. Geoff.

LunaRose_ · ‎05-10-2017

Thanks Geoff, I needed to hear that. I just want to do the best by him, he's hurting and I'd hate to make that worse. But I can tell it's taking a toll on me too. Im beginning to isolate myself again and I find it difficult to sleep at night with the constant anxiety of why he might not be replying to me or if he'll hurt himself. I don't know the right thing to do here.

BballJ · ‎05-10-2017

Hi LunaRose.,

I know it is tough and the constant worry is just dreadful, I think you are doing the right things and like I said originally, just writing simple texts may be the best thing to do at the moment, just to keep letting him know you are still there. Sleep is so important to combat anxiety, do you have any relaxation techniques to help deal when the anxiety is coming at night?

My best,

Jay